Tru Dat
Mom: my bad, as they say.
Me: Tru dat, as they say.
Mom: That’s how I roll….I’m a ding dong.
42 Across: U Suck!
Mom: i was so mad @ dad cause he had a swearing meltdown in the car; he dropped me off @ pig to get a few things & he went to get coffee. when i was done (it was slow cause they had no cashier so the checker didn’t know what she was doing, but I was patient) and got in the car he had a fit, his coffee was cold, if he knew i was going to buy more than one thing he’d have made me go alone. SO I got home and wrote “you suck” in lipstick on the bathroom mirror AND on his tribune daily crossword…it was usuck across and crabass down…it worked quite well…i’m not going to take that verbal abuse so i have ways of making myself feel better: leave notes and clean and make lots of noise while he’s reading the paper. Sometimes it’s so much fun being married
Travel Advice
Airports are the best places to kidnap someone. Be watchful. Stay together. Buddy system. If you are kidnapped, speak french… no one wants them!
Debate Hangover
I have a little bit of a headache this morning. We decided that the only way to watch the debate was to take shots every time she said maverick or heck or darn or doggone or nucular.
Thongs for All
Honey that’s wonderful news! Tell DeeDee she is always welcome and we can’t wait to see you both. We should have some sweet corn by July but plenty of tomatoes and even raspberries. So we’ll be ready for a crowd! I went nuts at Costco on Thurs and got a whole gallon of that bbq sauce and they had very high quality beach towels in nice colors and got four of those PLUS four pairs of UNISEX one-size-fits-all thongs. Daddy and I have been sharing the same old pair of thongs out on the back porch forever! But these are nice and I’ll save them for your guests in case the others decide to come…
Start a Trend!
Why don’t you start a trend? Try dating him BEFORE you sleep with him. The dating thing might catch on.
Dog Language
Mom: It’s funny, I leave food out for the dogs all day and they don’t touch it. They wait until I’m there and then they gorge it all down. They’re like, ‘Karen’s home! Time to eat!’
Me: They call you Karen? Doesn’t that bother you?
Mom: Well, they know I’m not their mom. Actually, I’m sure they have some special name for me in dog-language that I don’t understand, but I’m sure it is very respectable.
TSA Troubles
Backstory: I am going on a trip to NYC tomorrow and I asked my mom to buy some tupelo honey for my friend who I am going to visit. AJ is my Aunt Jamie and she’s a germophobe.
AJ packs her underwear in plastic bags so the inspectors don’t get their hands on it. Like her cooch is sterile or something. What the heck.
This One Time…
Backstory: My dad is a high school principal. The band kids got new t-shirts.
Hello Love,
Your father and I just watched American Pie. We now know what “this one time at band camp…” means. Now your dad is going to have to tell those band girls they are not allowed to wear those shirts. Why didn’t you tell me what it meant? Do girls now-a-days really do that with their instruments?? Oh god, I hope they wash them before they put their mouth on them!
Love u,
Mom
Poonhound
Mom: Oh, I saw pics of him
Mom: I didn’t think he’d be your type
Me: he’s not, really
Mom: I sort of wrote him off as a poonhound
Mom: he has that look about him
Me: I don’t think so
Me: but good use of the word “poonhound”, mom
Mom: thanks, it’s one of my favourites
Shameful!
Backstory: I sent my mom a thank-you for being neither Lynne Spears nor Dina Lohan.
I’m glad you are neither of those poor girls. Showing their cooters. Shameful!
Love, Mom
Start Doing Hand Jobs
Me: mom, I talked to an agent today who specializes in just parts. She liked my hands and wants to send me on go-sees!
Mom: That would be great if you could start doing hand jobs!
Me: mom, in the business, I think they call it “hand work”
Mom: oh. that’s a much better name for it.
Don’t forget the weed
MOM: Have a good day, Darling!
ME: thanks…
MOM: Oh, and make sure your sister doesn’t forget her weed today.
ME: …
ME: you mean her oboe reed?
MOM: Yes
ME: you wrote “weed”
MOM: Did I? Oops! You know what I mean.
So how long have you smoked pot???????????//
Interesting picture of you on your my spacepage. So how long have you smoked pot???????????//
Just so you know, potential employers will look to see if you have a myspace page. I’m not sure you’d really want them to see this. Nice URL Address: penis envy………………great
Mom
I missed that in pre-school
Backstory: I’m almost 40.
Mom: Where are you today?
Me: Lynchburg, Virginia
Mom: Oh that sounds fun.
Me: I’m going to run and get a salad for dinner
Mom: Are you leaving the hotel?
Me: Yes. I’m going across the street
Mom: Well don’t talk to strangers
Me: Thanks, I missed that in pre-school.
Mom: One of these days someone will kidnapp you and I’ll have to get money together to get you back.