Some IUD Confusion
Backstory: I recently started a job as a nurse practitioner at a women’s health clinic.
me: I inserted an IUD today!
mom: what’s that?
me: its like the copper one you had after you had [my sister]
mom: oh! you found someone to have sex with?
me: no mom. I put one into someone else at work. crazy..
mom: Ahh.. I thought you got it and I was happy for you.
Prevaricator, Prevaricator, Pants on Fire
Backstory: I’ve been seeing a guy for a few months and I haven’t brought him to meet my grandparents yet. My grandmother, who likes to use big words that I have to look up, is starting to get pretty peeved with me about this.
You can tell the boy the truth….we’d like to meet him! Or you can prevaricate and tell him I can’t seem to get my email address book to work properly, which isn’t really a prevarication, prevaricator.
Wanted: Garden Variety Porn
Mom: I’m shocked at all the different kinds of pornography they have on the computer now!
Me: …oh good, you’re still doing that.
Mom: But I don’t like it very much. Isn’t there a way I can search for romantic, heterosexual porn?
Home Maintenance
Backstory: My mother had been bugging me to go see the “lady doctor”. I texted her to say that I made that appointment as well as an appointment to get my hair cut.
Oh, so now you are taking care of the upstairs as well as the downstairs?
IDK Who’s On First!
Backstory: Mom was really proud to tell us about this exchange with a client, as she felt equally proficient at text language.
Mom: what time should I pick you up?
Client: IDK
Mom: I don’t know what IDK means
Client: I don’t know
Mom: You don’t know what it means either!
The Non-Dating Life
Backstory: My father died 12 years ago and my mom never dated after his death.
Thought you would get a kick out of this – I sold a house last October to a young girl – her father talked to me a year or so ago and thought I was a good agent – so they came to me and I helped them – make a long story short – I thought he liked me and he took me out to dinner and lunch a couple times – just very friendly – I like him as a friend – I talked to his daughter tonight who asked me if I had good gaydar – daddy’s gay – I kind of thought he was sort of effenimate – a visiting nurse – but again, to make a long story short – THE ONLY MAN WHO HAS EVER ASKED ME OUT TO LUNCH OR DINNER IS GAY!!!
Itsy-Bitsy Teeny-Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Momkini
Me: Woah, Mom, you’re not hiding anything in this bikini pic we just found!
Mom: Girls… your mom was HOT. Men wanted her and women feared her.
There’s No Such Thing As Just Enjoying Pizza
mom: What are you doing today/tonight?
me: I am going to emily’s for domino’s night
mom: Are you playing regular old dominoes?
me: no, we’re ordering regular old domino’s PIZZA
mom: oh….that company who hates anyone but catholic conservatives etc.
me: oh geez
let me have my pizza!
mom: I hate dominos and I would never eat it. I mean he is anti everything liberal..Catholic radio station, that king of kings church on his property, the convent! The strict catholic school. He even has his own village in Florida. I would GAG on that pizza…positively gag? Have you ever heard of Gino’s?
me: yes, but domino’s is cheap
mom: Thin crust?
me: I just want to eat my friday night pizza!!
mom: Here I thought you were playing dominoes. Which also would have been weird
me: I didn’t realize I was such a pizza disappointment. I’ll hate myself a little more with every bite
mom: oh good. I did my job
Your Dad Is Gross
Your dad is gross: like this is new news to us. He just got back from a long run and was in the laundry room. He bent over to pick something up sweat came out of his sleeve. Did it drip out? Of course not, it squirted out like a grapefruit!! The things you miss while you are away :)
Momsy
Mom Logic
Me: do you think i’m too old for forever 21?
Me: never mind…i’ll just give in and start shopping at banana republic or something
Mom: They say 35 is the new 25.
Mom: By that logic you are 14
Mom: 14 isn’t too old for Forever 21
