Google was Already Taken, I Guess.
Backstory: My mom started a beautification committe in the west end of her town (West End Beautification), and since then I have become her de facto administrative assistant. Every day I get a new email or text with a request like this.
I want to get a website. Please check the availability of the domain name www.web.com. Thanks. Mom.
St. Patrick’s Day Mishaps
Good Morning-So beautiful out. Nice weekend to go to Virginia. How was AC? Did you ever get those forms for getting donations? Patrick chipped his tooth in Boston from an IRISH BOMB? $350.00 Later. I had to get a root canal. Well have a great time with your cousins in Virginia.
Love you
MOM
Demanding Truth in Advertising
Mom: Oh, I need to change the channel. That awful Hardee’s commercial is on.
Me: Is that the one with the girl eating the hamburger?
Mom: She’s having an orgasm while she eats the hamburger. I should march over to them and tell them all right, can you make this happen to me?
I’m Concerned About the Health of Your Hoo-Hoo
So, I’m watching the show “The Doctors” and learned that I am not alone, there are other women who have hairy nipples! Just an FYI, if your partner has a cold, sore throat, etc. your Hoo-Hoo can catch it if he pays a visit down there. I can’t stop laughing, true, but so funny!
I’ve Moved on from Snooki
Backstory: My mom and I both love Jersey Shore and Snooki, and my mom has told me that she prays for the cast to change their ways.
Me: Did you hear the rumor that Snooki is pregnant!?!
Mom: No, I haven’t heard. All my friends who know Snooki have moved on. Love, Mom
Don’t Worry, I Told Your Ex You’re on Weight Watchers Now
Backstory: My mother recently ran into a guy I dated briefly……
Mom: I saw Fred last night. He’s doing well. I told him you’re doing great. And that you’re on Weight Watchers now.
Me: You told him THAT????
Mom:……yeah….was that bad?
Daily Death Update
Backstory: My Mother loves to e-mail my work address with instructions on what to do when she dies. This one was just in the subject bar – nothing in the body of the e-mail.
Subject: no obit for me-please-save the $
Fashion Police, Officer Mom
Backstory: My mom and I were discussing the dresses from Oscar night. Her reaction to my pick for worst-dressed.
That has to be the ugliest dress I have ever seen, hands down. If you ever come near me wearing something like that I will pretend you are not related to me.
-your loving mom who has her limits
Drop It Like It’s Hot
Since you are the expert in utilizing the web sight I am going to ask how I can download the exercise music that I heard are the best.
They are;
Push it (salt & pepper)
Drop it like it’s hot (snoop dog)
Umbrella (Rihanna)
The heat is on (Glen Frey)- I remember this
one from 80′s
I plan to get a exercise tape well maybe yoga and start working in a fun and not so boring music.
Can you check and let me know?
Thanks. Love, mom
God Knows Where to Meet Men
Backstory: I was telling my mom about how I broke up with the guy I was dating the day before Valentine’s Day.
Mom: So are you still going to vday dinner with him?
Me: No, of course not.
Mom: Well, then you can go to church.
Me: What? So I’m not alone on vday?
Mom: No, to meet men. There are plenty of nice men at church. Or your local synagogue.
Me: Oh god. What about my local mosque?
Mom: No. I can’t picture you in a burqa.
