Occupied Sidewalks
Be careful walking the streets on your way to the metro. It’ s a fact that protesters in other cities have have pooped and peed on the streets.
On Breaking Up
So glad to hear that you have dinner plans with friends tonight. You know enough to try to keep busy. But, living alone, one cannot always talk to someone else–on the other hand, you can talk to yourself. I think I do that sometime. Lady used to get up and look at me like “are you talking to me?” and I realized I was talking to myself. Perhaps you need a pet, naah–too much care.
If I Die, Tell Them What I Ate
Mom: I am testing something found on the internet
I was going to buy a turkey to have leftovers for the next week or so when I realized I had found two frozen turkeys downstairs when I cleaned out the freezer so I googled how long is a wrapped frozen turkey good for
it said a year
one of the frozen ones was a 22 pound turkey so I brought that up to thaw and saw a sticker on it from Giant
dated
wait for it….
2001
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Mom: I thawed it, it doesn’t smell bad so it’s in the oven now
Me: woman, i gradated high school in 2001
Mom: if I die, tell them what I ate
Movin’ On Up
Backstory: my brother sent us all an email with a pic of their new car, which was an upgrade from their old car, which had windows that didn’t roll up. This is a month after they moved from a tiny dump of an apartment to a shiny 2.5-bed apartment. So I replied all with the lyrics to “Movin’ On Up.” And my mom replies all…
Mom: Kate, great poem!!! You are a natural writer, you know that?
Me: aw Ma, I appreciate your faith, but that’s the theme song to the Jeffersons.
Mom: Oh how funny. Well, it’s still good!
Plastic Surgery on the Ponderosa
Backstory: My mom is getting plastic surgery in a few days and will be on bed rest for two weeks…she thought she would get some early Christmas shopping done and told us to email her with gift ideas… although after our replies, I’m thinking we won’t be getting anything at all.
Mom: Ok Kiddies,
Since I will be laid up for some time starting tomorrow. I’ll have plenty of time to do some online shopping.
How about sending me some ideas for Christmas gifts.
Love ya
Mom
Older Brother:
Kind of scared what gifts we’ll get if you’re shopping in a post-surgery, medicated state :D
Me:
who knows? With all that medication maybe this year I’ll finally get that pony I’ve always wanted…
Younger Brother:
I want to get branded with the Dallas Cowboys logo on my stomach.
Mom:
You are all just too hilarious. Ponys and brandings? Where do you think you all live? The Ponderosa?
Killing Intruders, Then Dinner and Sangria
Backstory: My apartment was recently broken into. also, mom has a black belt.
hola,
¿como estas? Just thinking about the tae kwon do class I will be conducting. Ha!
Let me know if your friends would like that self defense class and I would be thrilled to come on a friday and teach how to kill an intruder. (Dinner and sangria at that Greek restaurant would be great afterwards!!)
Love you!
mom
Threatening Christmas Lunch
Change of date. Please note is now at 2 pm on Friday 23 December.
See you there or you are fucked.
Mom’s Thanksgiving Excitement
Backstory: This was my Mom’s response when I sent her my Thanksgiving travel itinerary. I’m Emily and my sister is Valerie.
Yippeeee, Turkeeeeee, Emileeeee, Valerieeeee, Momeeeee, Dadeeee, Funeeeee
You’re the Best Adult Vomiter I Know
Kiddie barf, though, is what got me over my fear of seeing people vomiting. Kids are so easy to deal with and they make very little noise, too. You’re the best adult vomiter I know, even now. I guess it was the noise that made me vomit-phobic to begin with. From the time you projectile vomited across your crib and onto the wall until the time you had your gall bladder out, you were, and are, a gentle, soft-spoken retcher.
We’re Tight
Me: I got a lot of things done today.
Mom: good.
I saw dr holt. him and me. we’re tight.
he gave me his cell phone number.
well actually i saw him yesterday
Me: ….did you just use the phrase “we’re tight” ?
Mom: i did.
