Pray Hard for the Men in My Family

Backstory: This was my mom’s facebook update when she was preparing for the reconstruction post double mastectomy.

I had my pre-op with my Dr today. Reconstruction set to start in 3 weeks. I have one question. The first time I was “constructed” in this way, it was called puberty. Is this the second time around for that? and another question, Can I go thru puberty and menopause at the same time and keep my sanity? Pray, Pray hard for the men in my family, Husband, Son, terrier, and cat. OK, even the female cat.

If Mom Were on the Dating Scene…

Mom: Did you google him?
Me: What? No..
Mom: That’s what people do nowadays before dates..they google
Me: Well, I didn’t google
Mom: If I were out on the scene, I’d be googling everyone

Playing Possum

Backstory: My mom found what she thought were rats and what my dad thought were oppossums drowned in their pool when she went to being the process of opening it for the summer.

mom: i’ll tell you what i told the two fuckers i’m sharing a house with
mom: opossum/ rat what’s the fucking difference
me: mom
sister: i will never swim, drink a beer, smoke a cigarette, or grill in that yard again
me: mom
don’t be ridiculous it’s nature
you planted food back there
what did you expect to happen
mom: and if i hear your sister try to explain the difference between a marsupial and a rodent again i’m going to scream

Do You Know What NC-17 Means?

Backstory: My parents headed to the indie movie theater in town and got more than they bargained for.  Like full frontal nudity…

Do you know what an NC-17 movie rating means?  Take it from us, because now we know it means 1 category worse than R, i.e., trashy, disgusting, upsetting, violent, sex filled, disturbing, we walked out 1/3 of the way through, etc., etc., etc.  Roger Ebert of Siskel & Ebert said it should have been rated 3 categories worse than it was, and it was rated the worst.  As dad and I glanced at the computer before we left for Dewey’s Pizza, we just saw 17 and assumed it meant no one under 17.  It means definitely adult, no children whatsoever.

Argggggggggggggg.  At least we only paid 1/2 price, but I have been upset at what we saw all day.

Don’t ever see Killer Joe or read a review of you feel so inclined.  Somehow, it was billed as a comedy, huh?


Baby Maker Changes

Daisy just called and was wanting to hear more news.  She isn’t on face book. Her sister is here and they are going to the cabin for a week. I keep forgetting to tell you Jeff had his baby maker “fixed”…a couple of weeks ago.

Can You F&#@ing Believe People Think Bostonians Are Rude?

Hola, cutie!

I was browsing the Glob’s articles online today and found a list of city rankings. Can you believe Boston was ranked 5th rudest city? How can they do that? If they don’t like our city they can get the fuck out of it. We don’t need those shitheads judging Boston so ignorantly. What fucking bullshit some fuckers come up with is RIDICULOUS!

Lurve, Mom!

P.S. Congrats on your fourth A! You’re my favorite child. So smart! :-) If only your sister could get good grades then I could brag to Mrs. Steinfield how much better my children are! Why is your sister such a disappointment sometimes? She ruins my plans to insult the neighbors :-(

Not Dead Yet!

Mom: Hey whatcha been doin? Anything naughty :)
Me: No. have you?
Mom: Not yet but there’s always the chance. I’m not quite dead yet just a little rusty.
Me: Lol. TMI mom!
Mom: English please
Me: Too Much Info
Mom: Oh tuff shit ur my child who else am I going to tell that isn’t going to blab it on Facebook.
Me: Haha! Nancy? You don’t even know anyone on Facebook

Roombas, How Do They Work?

Backstory: I’m including the part about my cats to show that my mom had NO CONTEXT WHATSOEVER for her comments about roombas.

Me: the cats the caaaats
so cute.
Mom: so sweet.
I don’t understand roomba s
And don’t just bump around your furniture in a useless way?
are they just a big fucking practical joke??
Me: i don’t think they work

Your Father is a Papa Poulet

Backstory: Mom was on a business trip in Europe.

I am ready to go home.  Your statue of Liberty made me homesick for American soil.

Too much socializing with 30 year old Europeans for me. They can drink all night, get 5 hours of sleep and still function at meetings the next day.  Last night, however, I sat with the French contingent to practice la langue (quel horreur) and one woman was describing her husband as “papa poulet”.  I asked her what it means and it is father hen.  Don’t you love that?  They don’t have an expression like we do for “mother hen” so it is funny that they have one for daddies.  However, I think your father is a papa poulet extraordinaire.

Just thought I would add to your vocabulary.

Bon weekend.

Mama (Poulet)

Not This Week

Backstory: Lucy is my parents’ 9 week old black goldendoodle puppy.

Mom: Lucy is happily reunited with her laundered toys.
Me: things are so much better to chew on when they don’t smell like your own pee!
Mom: i wouldn’t know about that
Mom: since i neither pee nor chew on my toys
Me: well, there’s a first time for everything.
Mom: Not this week.

Love, Mom