I Hope I Can Control Myself
Mom: I had a great sandwich, whole wheat pita, ground turkey meat seasoned w/garlic salt, avocado (lots),lettuce, parsley, cucumbers,waterrcress. Yum-Yum
Me: did you make it
Mom: Yup. I keep a fresh salad in the fridge, with romaine,parsley,cuces, and watercress.Then we put a dressing of balsamic vinegar, olive oil, and lemon juice. Again Yum-Yum You can used the salad for anything.
Me: i hate watercress
Mom: What are you a comunist?
Me: sort of
Mom: I don’t know how to spell comunist.
You need to try it again. I am sure you will like it.
Me: it’s communist. and i dont like the texture. jesus
Mom: Oh jesus yourself x-(
watch out I just learned to use the little pop-outs. I hope I can control myself
Nurses Gone Wild
Backstory: I’m deployed overseas with the Army
I was really sorry I missed your call for my birthday. Thanks for the picture disk; sorry I haven’t gotten one off to you. I can’t believe with Linda here I completely spaced on picking your things up at the armory. I’m going to try to make it there tomorrow. I am having a party here tomorrow and it should be a lot of fun. All girl-sleep-over optional. I don’t want any drunk drivers. We’re playing WII, Karoke, cards, ping-pong and just being nurses gone wild…wish you were here to celebrate. Can’t believe I’m 50 hoping for a better decade than the last one. I’m glad things worked out for your leave. Is this a short one? Are you going somewhere? Well I’m off for now. Love, MOM
Gawker Today
I saw that [redacted] fellow sent you a silly email at 2:30 AM. How sad.
I think he is crying out to be accepted by you. I think you should invite him over for a bbq and let him know he doesn’t need to be successful or funny or even smart, to be your friend - he should just ask nicely.
This is what I told your brother in 1st grade when Zach used to trip him every day at school, and break his pencils. Zach just didn’t know how to make friends. He is still a rotten kid of course, but at least his is a rotten kid who is your brother’s friend.
Sent Shortly After My Mother’s Root Canal
Hi,
I wanted to let you know that I’m home from the dentist, and everttying went well. I;m not even going to spellchech this cause I am really out of it. I’m somewhat still flying with all the meds in me, I read your email, and I’m sure we can help this wekend. .
love from your stoned out mother, x0×0x0×0x0×0x0×0
HURRY! HURRY! HURRY!
Backstory: My cousin, who is 15 years older than me (I’m 19), just had a baby. My mom emailed my dad the pictures of her baby, and CCed me on the email.
Do you want to be a grandpa already? ^_^
I am ready to be a grandma, a young and pretty one. ^_~
I need to ask our daughter to “HURRY! HURRY! HURRY!”
Photo scanning blues
Mom: Can’t get the scanner to scan a photo. What am I doing wrong?
Me: it’s too complicated. put photo in and try to hit scan button
Mom: Did - doesn’t do anything. I’ll just mail the photo to your aunt. It’s a pic of our parents graves. She has difficulty accepting that they are dead.
Me: That’s pretty harsh, lady. I’m not gonna open mail from YOU anytime soon!!!
Mom: Maybe I’ll put it in a card.
Get me out of here!
Surprise, I am writing you an email.
I NEED HELP AND SOON, BEFORE I STARVE TO DEATH !!!!
I am guessing that you are wondering how come I’m doing this — it’s just because I am locked into my computer room and cannot get out. I was trying to put a door knob on the door and got started, but the thing went completely closed as I was trying to see if it was going to fit — and now here I am having to stoop so low as to write an email to you to see if you could call someone to come get me out. My phones, of course, are all in the other room. I thought that perhaps you could call Beverly and have her and Howie come over and get me out. If you happen to have Tami’s number then call her.
Anyhow, can you get me out of here. I guess I’ll just play games on the computer until someone lets me out of here. Send me an email to let me know you are doing this for me.
The Bloat
At least the bloat is not permanent. My bloat has lasted ever since Steven was born. That boy messed me up.
Mom
41-Year-Old Virgin
I just talked to Grandma and your aunt’s wedding is going to be the 6th of December. She asked if she could send your invitation here and I told her that if she wanted YOU to get it, she should mail it to YOU. Novel idea? Anyway, the best part of the conversation came later when she told me that your aunt had found her dress and it is beautiful but your aunt is worried that because the dress is ivory, people will think she’s not a virgin. Are you kidding me? She’s 41 years old. I’d be wearing flaming scarlet so no one would think I was a virgin, especially if I were. I didn’t think there was such a thing as a real forty year old virgin. I thought even nuns had had an adventure or two by that age! Geez! At least I’m not related to them by blood.
L,
M
DUI by proxy
Backstory: “I received this from my mom after my brother got a DUI. Both of us are over 25, but I suppose I’m in trouble, too?!”
I shouldn’t have to find out that my son got a DUI from the local newspaper. Please come over soon so that we can discuss.
Mom