Start Littering, Stop Breathing
Backstory: I got a notice today saying someone at my office was diagnosed with the Swine Flu. Some good advice from my mother on how to handle it…
Wash you hands, wash you hands, wash your hands. Don’t share pencils, etc. Put a paper towel over the bathroom door handle as you leave and drop it on the floor if you can’t reach the trash can while you hold open with your foot.
PS Don’t breathe at work. Love, MOM
Mom Vs. Telemarketers
Me: Mom, do you have a fax machine now? My calls won’t go through.
Mom: Yes, we bought that to stop telemarketing calls. We turn it on, and they can’t call us.
Me: Mom, NO ONE can call you.
Mom: Oh, I guess you’re right. Just send me an email when you want to call and I’ll turn off the fax.
Red-Headed Heartbreak
mom: you still upset about that boy not calling you back?
me: yes
mom: well, i’m glad he didn’t. he had red hair.
me: it was auburn.
mom: he had freckles.
me: i liked his freckles.
mom: i don’t want you dating anyone with red hair. i would never be able to enjoy the beach.
Checking Up On the Dogs
Backstory: While dog sitting for a friend, I asked my mom to swing by and check on them while I was at work….
Just told ur dogs 2 go 2 bed. Cherie was sleeping on ur pink pillow. Anje hopped up and started humping her. I left them that way.
Reasons to Call Dad, from 1987
Sunday is father’s day. Call your dad and say something nice. He saved your life when you were choking around 1987. Thats the only reason I can come up with right now. Other than a “Thanks for the random fertilization and DNA shit.”
We Are No Bubbly Beckis
Backstory: A friend and I auditioned for Deal or No Deal. We didn’t make it.
I do not understand Deal or No Deal and have only watched brief parts. I bet you have to be ‘bubbly.’ We are not Bubbly people or your names would be Becki! (you and the other one). I am feeling Jeopardy…you can be smart with one good story to tell! You have a lot of stories and you’re smart as a whip!!
Talk to me soon.
Love, mom
Burying the Lede
Backstory: My mum believes in breaking bad news gently. Preferably after a short movie review, and a precis of what she’s about to watch on television.
Hi,
Hope you and Simon are welll and had a good weekend. We went to see Star Trek yesterday and enjoyed it though Dad didn’t think it deserved 5 stars and the time travel didn’t survive close inspection! Grandma was taken into hospital on Friday with a mild heart attack and is being keep in for a few more days for tests and things so I sent her a card from us all to wish her well. We are looking forward to watching 1066 tonight, a no-holds barred account of that year from the point of view of the ‘foot soldiers’. Much gore and blood curdling. Hurrah!
Mum x
Mom’s Idea of Romance
Mom: I was catching up on my shows today and I think I somehow erased the last episode of Rock of Love that you taped for me =( I really wanted to see who he picked
Me: There’s no tape involved, it’s Tivo. And why? That show is ridiculous!
Mom: I just wanted to see which one was his type…
Me: Young and skanky, that’s his type!!!!!!
Mom: Oh, you just hate romance.
Me: Romance?!? You think that’s romance?!?
Mom: Not everyone wears pearls and cardigans!
No Awkwardness, Please!
Mom: Dad is on the phone with Pappy. He is awkward. Will you ever be awkward with me on a Mother’s Day call?
Me: haha i will never be awkward on a call with you for mothers day
Mom: CAN WE ALWAYS LIKE EACH OTHER, WILL YOU PROMISE?
Me: promise
Mom: Okay good, i’m glad we got that out of the way
Librarian Party Time
Backstory: My mother is a librarian and was at a library convention.
Times are bleak waiting for a john adams impersonator or going to ann taylor
