Remember to Be NIce to Other Children
Me: going out for Mexican food in a bit
Mom: that’s fairly close, right?
Me: yep
Mom: ok, dress warmly …it’s a little brisk out there!
Me: yes Mom :)
Mom: Yup….and make sure you get lots of sleep, drink lots of water, don’t talk to strangers, don’t go out with wet hair…..
eat a balanced diet….
be nice to other children….
share….
Me: I promise
Also, I love you
Mom: hee hee
Patience Is a Virtue
Backstory: I got impatient while trying to give my mom computer support.
I learned all by myself. Yea me. It’s a good thing I had more patience that you do, you might still not be potty-trained.
iPhone Supremacy
Backstory: Not a day goes by that my 61 year old mother does not remind me how much more superior her iphone is to my Blackberry Torch.
Mom: Btw did u change ur clocks?
Me: Yes! What time is it anyway? Not sure if my phone updated automatically or not.
Mom: My iphone says 9:45 am
Me: Why do you need to say “iphone” huh? Why not just “phone” you show off!
Mom: Cause I don’t want u to think that your shitty phone will be capable of giving you the right time. Heeee Heee Heee snort!
Nice Mug Shot
Did you put soap in laundry? I wouldn’t say this on fb but your pic looks kinda like lindsey lohan mug shot
Dude!! It’s Your Daughter’s Wedding.
Backstory: Ever since I was about 14, I called my Dad “Dod,” because it amused me. It stuck. Anyway, my dad lost a lot of weight recently and he needs a new suit for my wedding.
I told Dod the other night that we need to get him a new suit. He looked at me the way the cat used to when I said, “Um, go do…this.” He was all, “I have a suit.” And I was all, “Yeah, from when you were 45 lbs. heavier.” And he was all, “Don’t I have something from before I got fat??” And I was all, “????????????????????????? Dude!! It’s your daughter’s wedding. You need a new fucking suit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Mom Condones Violence
Backstory: I had told my mother about a boy I’d been on a few dates with. A little while later, I found out he actually has a long distance girlfriend (with whom things are “uncertain,” of course), and that I will be meeting her this weekend at an event we’re both going to.
Me: i’m actually semi-excited to see what this girl is like
Mom: so lame
Mom: i’m excited for you to kick that girl’s pansy little ass
Precious or Semi-Precious?
Backstory: My mom LOVES trashy reality TV and sent this to me right after Kathy Griffin got “vajazzled” on her show. I think she was only partly joking…
Mom: Ever considered vajazzling?
Me: Mom!
Mom: Or maybe keep it simple and get vattooed…
Me: Oh sure, that’s part of my regular grooming routine.
Mom: Precious or semi-precious?
Of Kilts and Dead Birds
Backstory: My parents were getting ready for a funeral where my dad (being a Scotsman) had decided to wear his kilt. They also have 5 cats.
your father is driving me mad. Cannot find tie- in wardrobe on tie rack. Cannot find sporran and socks- in sporran and sock drawer. Cannot find shoes- in corner beside his side of the bed. Additionally found long dead bird in shoe. Aaaargg.
Trick or Treat?
Backstory: I was copied on this e-mail exchange between my parents.
Dad: My Most Brilliant Idea Ever for Halloween trick or treaters. why not give out those cases /bottles of water left over from Irerne.
It’s healthy and non-fattening, and no one could be allergic to it !
Mom: the bottles will make great projectiles for the disappointed kids to hurl through our windows!
I Would Give Him the Ride of His Life
Backstory: My 70 year-old mother just met my sister’s new boyfriend. Phil is mom’s boyfriend.
Mary, Mary Maryyyyyyyy,
OMG. Does Sue know how lucky she is??? I saw a picture of him, but it didn’t do him justice. He has dark hair, blue eyes, and very white teeth that are just crooked enough to be so sexy. Like he needs the teeth thingy. I wish I were 40 and sexy and cute because I would give him the ride of his life. DO NOT tell Sue. She has a big mouth and would tell him. You know she would. I love her but she can’t keep anything to herself. OHHHH, Mary. WOW. OH OH OH no kidding. WOW. Phil got the kids so worked up they were having fun. I wonder what he thinks of this not ever been married or had children. He seems to take it in stride. OMG.
