I Just Feel Sorry For All the Ugly People
I just saw your subject line False advertising and just about shit myself. You are so effin beautiful that when I see you in a photo I don’t know you are in I don’t always recognize you because I still filter you through my minds eye and just never really understood how absolutely gorgeous you are. I always thought it was just because I love you so much. Does that make any sense? I always knew you guys were beautiful but then I get to see you how others do and I just feel sorry for all the ugly people.
Mommy Group Madness
Me: Mom, I thought I would share with you the type of emails I am now receiving from my mommy group.
Subject line, “4 year old holding poop”
Mom: What?
Me: I guess this poor little guy is having a hard time pooping and the mom wants some advice as to how to help her son feel comfortable to go poop
Mom: Who ever knew kids did this… I am so out of it that I thought it was literally HOLDING it, as in “in the hand”, sort of like the poop that floated up in the wading pool when we all visited grandma and you were in the wading pool in her back yard.
Me: thanks mom
Camel’s Feet
Mom: Your aunt and I want to know if you’ve ever heard of a camel’s foot?
Me: Um, do you mean a camel toe???
Mom: Yes! That’s it. What is it?
Me: Well, it’s when a woman wears really tight pants and gets a wedgie….um, in the front…
Mom: Oh! Well, wouldn’t that look more like the entire foot??
Would You Like the Mounted Antlers When I Die?
Mom: Punkin, I’m going through the house now deciding who will get what when I die. Would you like me to send you all the mounted antlers and stuffed pheasants your dad had around here?
Me: Um……no
Mom: Why not? He was proud of those kills.
Me: Mom, I’m a vegetarian.
Mom: Oh yeah, I keep forgetting you’re one of “those people”.
Me: What do you mean “those people”?
Mom: You know, California hippie tree huggers. How’s that Obama working out for you, huh?
Sis Is In High Priss Form
Mom: Warning: sis is in high priss form.
Me: Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!
Mom: Yes, darling, that’s it exactly. Just be prepared. No one is smarter about food, excercise and anything else. Maybe we can stuff her full of carbs and wine and calm her down!
Twilight Mom’s Family Heirlooms
Backstory: My mom is obsessed with Twilight and is going to see the midnight show…she was telling her Bible study group about it.
Rob’s girlfriend has only seen Twilight and was telling me that Rob thinks the movies are evil…get over it!!! She was asking me if I had read the books and I told her I had. Then she asked if I owned them, which I confirmed. When she told me that maybe she would borrow them I nearly passed out. I DON’T THINK SO! Sorry, but the only person I would lend them to is you. They’re family heirlooms for crying out loud!
“Free Communication Weekend”
Backstory: My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years. My mom feels he’s an underachiever. My mom feels that even IF he did propose, he wouldn’t be able to give me the life that “I” (read: she) would want. Also, my 30th birthday is in mere days and this to her renders me a lukewarm commodity in the dating sphere.
Mom: Hey, I just heard it’s “free communication weekend” on eHarmony. Just saying…
Me: uh…I’m not single. Isn’t that like false advertising?
Mom: Can you say “it’s complicated” like on Facebook?
Me: Uh… I don’t think so… I think if you’re on that site, it’s pretty much like you’re single and looking for a date.
mom: Well, he said you could start looking if he didn’t propose by June, and next weekend will be July;-)
Me: true… but I have a problem with looking while we’re still together.
Mom: Ok, I just thought “free weekend”.
Surprising Found Objects
Hi,
How goes it? I spent an hour or so cleaning up your room. You have to turn over a new leaf when you get back. We’re going to get rid of some clothes you don’t wear and even look at the books. You’ll feel good when you’re better organized, and it won’t be a big deal.
Anyway, I found a wallet with a driver’s license, etc. Don’t you need it?
Would you like me to send you the articles on your desk that you probably didn’t have time to read when you were home?
Do you have a mailing address?
You had a role of undeveloped film, so we’re having it developed.
I’m throwing out the dildo (or however you spell it). Not funny or cute, in my opinion.
Would you like your Appalachian trail certificate framed? If so, with our without the badges?
Did you realize that we bought you that clock (in Germany)? You never said anything.
Are all the arrows usable? I guess you’ll have to sort them out yourself.
You have tons of shoes now, by the way.
I Ate It All
Backstory: I’ve been sick for the past few days and live 1200 miles away from my mother.
Me: I miss you.
Mom: you just want me with you when you’re a sicky
Mom: i made popcorn for you saturday night. you didn’t show up so i ate it all
Travel Worries: Random Drugs
Backstory: Mum checking up on me on a 4 1/2 hr drive home.
Mum: Are you home yet?
Me: No, stopped in Bathurst by the police
Mum: What for?
Me: Random drugs test
Mum: I told you not to take random drugs!
