Mom/pill pusher
Backstory: My parents’ dog has been really sick and not eating lately, so I emailed Mom to see how he’s doing. Clearly, she is more worried about this dog than she ever was about her human child.
Hadn’t eaten one bite of anything until just now. I heated up a scrambled egg I’d made for him this morning. Ate about half of it. He threw up in the night and then again this morning after our walk. Dr. N called a while ago. I’m now to give him Prednisone 2 x a day, back on Pepcid 2 x a day, along with all the other meds. Also, tomorrow I’m going to Whole Foods to find a special type of Magnesium for him to take. His Mag is low, which Dr thought was because he wasn’t eating, but it could be low and that’s why he’s not eating. Chicken and egg???
Chat with you tonight.
Love,
Mom/pill pusher
Would You Take My Thinning Hair?
Mom: Believe me, if I could have your symptoms for a while to give you a break, I would totally do it.
Me: i am so touched that you would want these guts of mine
Mom: I would take anything of yours, but honestly, would you want what I have in return? A bum leg that is cold and purple? Thinning hair? A sagging ass? Dark circles? A bad memory?
I Didn’t Just Fall Off the Turnip Truck
Me: This wedding is going to be a Tanya & Alice Production
Mom: oh yes, a T & A production
Me: Do you know what T & A stands for?
Mom: TITS & ASS
Me: Yes mom
Mom: I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck tanya.
It’s Not Called Mom’s Nipple Book
Backstory: Mom had breast cancer and then subsequent breast reconstruction. Three years later she finally had the nipple construction and was so excited she posted about it on facebook.
Mom: Did I horrify you?
Me: No lol I already knew. I don’t care. It’s your nipple do with it what you will.
Mom: Yeah but no one wants to see their Mom’s nipple on Facebook.
Call Me Crazy
As you know, I’m into lighting. There is nothing I hate more than energy-efficient lighting—the color of the light makes me sick—so after hearing that as of Jan 2012, you can no longer buy 100W incandescent bulbs, I bought 216 of them tonight. And I plan to buy more. Call me crazy, but I love incandescents!
The Flies Will Get In
Backstory: My mom emailed me asking me for the link to the video I made for her 50th birthday last year. This is what she wrote after she watched it again.
When I see myself at 50, I think of the saying “Time marches on…your face.” Oh well, we all get old. I stopped at an assisted living center today and wow…please don’t ever leave me sitting by the door unable to move with my mouth wide open. The flies will get in.
I Take Pride in Staying in the Lines
Mom: Stop watching Sponge Bob, it makes your brain tired. You need to color so you can focus better.
Me: Its entirely too early on a Monday morning to already be this drunk mother.
Mom: I’ll have you know I am not drunk. It was on the news this morning they did a study with 6 year olds and determined that Sponge Bob made their brains tired. Think about how relaxed I am after coloring.
Me: I’m more concerned that you are comparing my brain to that of a 6 year old.
Mom: No you are missing the point. If it makes a 6yr old brain tired, it has to affect a grown up brain too. They just probably couldn’t get any grownups to take the test.
Me: They probably tried to find a group, but they were too busy coloring. I say we do our own study, but turn it into a drinking game. Every time Mr. Crabs says ‘SPONGE BOB!!’ we have to take a drink. When the show is over we have a coloring competition to see who can stay in the lines
Mom: you know I would win, I take pride in staying in the lines
Still Luv Ya
SORRY I accidently hit “3″ on my speeddial instead of “2″ for dad. It rang & I did not leave a voice mail when I realized it was your #. Don’t want to talk to ya, don’t need to talk to ya — but still luv ya.
Mommy
Spelling Problemos
Me: thank you!!!
Mom: no problemo
lamo
laimo?
lameo?
romeo?
huh?
lemo?
Nemo?
There is NO way to spell that word
