Life Goals: Kicking Yourself in the Face
That is a lot of good news! I’m glad you are settling-in…. J
ESL for Peace corps sounds perfect for meeting your teaching requirement. Americorps sounds too good to be true since you get to stay in school and still get the benefits! And I know you’ll love the yoga job since you are still trying to meet your life goal of kicking yourself in the face. Boyfriends with jobs are always better than boyfriends without.
Call when you can can’t wait to hear all of the outcomes. Glad Chirpy is not suicidal.
Mom
Facebook Stalking with Mom
Backstory: My brother is heading to college pretty far away and doesn’t know anyone, so of course my Mom and I were gossiping about it.
Mom: I guess he’s been fb a girl from there. They are meeting on saturday
Me: too cute. I shall have to FB stalk her
Mom: well she hasn’t met him face to face yet.
Me: FB is so creepy. I’ll probably never meet her, but i know her belly button’s pierced
Mom: ohhh gross. I don’t want to know.
Me: haha it’s her belly button, not her crotch
Mom: that will be the next thing i don’t want to know. I gotta go to work.
Practice Doesn’t Always Make Perfect
Backstory: I just turned 29 this week. My father called and advised me to start having children before it was too late. In reply, I joked “I have been practicing a lot!”. The next day I told my mom and sister the ‘practicing a lot’ joke. She did not respond. The next day, I received this email. She signed it with my sister’s name as well, whether she was in on it or not.
My Adorable 29th B’Day Girl:
If you’re trying hard to become a mom, make sure you and your sex partner have a clean bill of health, zero gonohrea, herpes, use vaginal, mouth, throat and pipi hygiene before and after.
Happy love making, an intimate indoor exercise sadly missed but not forgotten.
Love,
Mom & Sarah
Drunk Doggy Sympathy
Mom: I think your boss is kinda cute
Me: I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that
Mom: Is he married?
Me: You must be drunk
Mom: Getting there
Me: I’d hope so
Mom: It was a fun group shot. You looked cute in a red-neck sort of way
Me: You’re so awesome
Mom: Pretty much. Just ordered another glass of wine. Stay away from the Iowa State Fair grandstand for crying out loud! And where the hell is Aruba? I forgot to take geography in middle school.
Me: You’re frightening me
Mom: I really don’t know where Aruba is.
Me: I don’t either
Mom: Do you have J’s address? I am sending her a doggie sympathy card.
Me: Can I send it later?
Mom: Can I have the damn address?????
Me: Right now? I’m out eating sushi!
Mom: Never mind I’ll google it. Enjoy the raw fish.
Mom: Got it, thanks for nothing.
Me: Why don’t you take a shot, you’re getting hateful
Mom: Done
Flip Flops, Taco Bell–Your Generation’s Going to Hell
I’ve lost all faith in your generation. Please tell me you have never worn flip flops to work. It is imperative that I know this information and that the answer be: NO! Rubber flip flops, especially those in the “Neon color family” w/ sparkly stones should never be worn anywhere sand is not present. I digress. I’m finding it very hard to concentrate between the flip-flop-squeak-flip-flop-squeak sounds passing by my office and the intense rumbling of my innards. I don’t have much faith in my newest employee in my dept. She’s already scheduled days off, said ohemgee in an e-mail, and when I asked her where she wanted her “Happy First Week” lunch, she replied with Taco Bell. Out of all of the restaurants she could have chosen she picked one with a drive-thru and swivel chairs. You know of my affection for chalupas but there’s a time & place for it. I hope all is well in your land.
xxxooo Momma
Hurricane Preparedness
Mom: Bobbie told me I need to prepare for storms so I bought 4 gallons of water and about dozen weight watchers frozen desserts.
Energy Stealing Necklaces
Mom: Pam gave you some jewelry that she got from a friend that stole her energy and she wants you to have a black multi-pearl necklace and 2 pendants. Hope you have a great day. I am so glad its Friday.
Me: Why would i want it if it steals energy?
Mom: Not the necklace silly, the person.
Me: Well that explains a lot… the person stole her energy?
Mom: Yes. Do you want it or not?
Me: Sure I’ll take the necklace!
Your New Criteria: No Prison Record, Not a Lawyer
Hi Hon,
Don’t cross B. off the list. If I rejected Dad because he was “too eager” I might be single today and never have had three great kids!!! As I’ve told you, Dad used to chase me down the hall of the classroom building! Tell me that is not “too eager”? Remember your new criteria? No prison record, not a lawyer, and I forgot the other criteria — no drug addiction or whatever.
Love, Mom
I Miss You, Ho
Need You Now is on the radio again. You know what? I kind of like it, it has nice lyrics. It’s better than “I miss you, ho. I’m going to trash you next time I see you.”
What is a “Cannabis User”?
Backstory: My mother recently discovered craigslist to place tenants in her rental properties. ‘Cieverwenso’ is a slang spanish term in our area for someone who has no shame. I’m not sure if that’s how it’s spelled, but that’s how she spells it.
Mom: Hey what is a cannabis user?
Me: A pothead
Mom: I don’t think so, it was on a craigslist need to rent. The guy said he wanted roomates that were ok with a “cannabis user”
Me: Trust me mom, it means he smokes pot. Cannabis is another word for marijuana.
Mom: Are you sure? Why would he put that kind of information on the internet? People shouldn’t just talk about their drug use in public. Cieverwenso!
