Packing Instructions
Backstory: My parents, brother and grandparents have been planning this trip to go whitewater rafting. A few days before the trip, my mom sends my brother and I this reminder.
Please don’t forget to bring sneakers. And underwear. For tennis. PLEASE CONFIRM RECEIPT sincerely- Mom
Beware of Moobs
Jus heard that Soy products contain estrogen and thus help cause man boobs
Feel… Better?
Awe don’t be sad. God didn’t give you a pretty face but he gave you big boobs and a sense of humour! Love the Mom
Your Brother’s Taste in Women
Backstory: My mom and I are conspiring to get my brother to apply for a perfect-for-him internship at an organic nursery.
By the way if you tell Matt there will be hippy chicks working at this nursery he might be interested! For some reason he likes women with hairy arm pits…go figure!
How to Choose a Gyno
Mom: You need to schedule a gynecology checkup. I’m sure you can find a woman gynecologist where you live if you’d prefer one.
Me: Well, the way I see it, it’s like that joke; would you go to a mechanic who had never owned a car?
Mom: Yeah, but he’s ridden in one.
True Online Scrabble Confessions
Backstory: Me and my mom play scrabble on Facebook and she’s borderline obsessed with it. I went to her house one day to find a dictionary RIGHT BESIDE her laptop. She tried to say she wasn’t cheating by looking up words, but I guess she couldn’t take the guilt anymore.
I am sorry I used the dictionary. I won’t any more. I will probably never win again but I will play fair. Sorry. Bad example from your mother.
Useful For “Brawn,” Not “Brains”
Backstory: My boyfriend and I were having trouble assembling a piece of furniture.
Mom: did Bob try and help you?
Mom: I’m not saying a man would do a better job, but I know Daddy has more hand strength than I do when it
comes to turning screws, etc
Mom: in other words, men can be useful for “brawn” as opposed to “brains”
Here, Bob, tighten this screw…
Don’t ask any questions, just turn
Mom’s Secret Criminal Past
Mom: Ugh I hate this song and its like the 5th time I’ve heard it this week! I wish we had better reception at work.
Me: What song?
Mom: It’s old, you wouldn’t know it. It’s called Downtown, they used to play it constantly when I was in Juvi.
Me: Excuse me? Juvi? As in Juvi Hall for bad kids??
Mom: I told you about that didn’t I? How a few friends and me stole a car when we were 16 and drove to California and got arrested. Grandma made me stay for 2 weeks to teach me a lesson.
Me: Definitley not, I feel like I would have used that for reasoning to do alot worse things as a teenager.
Shouty Crackers
Backstory: These messages happened about 30 seconds apart, my mom had just got a new phone and couldn’t work it!
Mom: ARE YOU COMING FOR DINNER ON SUNDAY?
Mom: DID YOU GET MY MESSAGE?
Mom: HELLO?
Me: Blimey mother, what’s with all the shouting?
Mom: WHAT SHOUTING?
Me: When you text all in caps it’s generally considered to be indicative of shouting!!
Mom: OH SORRY
Mom: NEW PHONE. CANT WORK IT!
Mom: I REALLY AM SORRY. NOT SHOUTING. PROMISE.
Mom: I ASKED YOUR FATHER FOR HELP. WE GOT THE SAME PHONE. HE CANT STOP SHOUTING EITHER!
Winged Migration
Mom: I thought my new finch feeder was broken because I didn’t have any birds, but two of them showed up last week…
Mom: They spent all week hoarding the food, but then I think one of them must have blabbed, because now there are 50 or so out there.
Mom: And I know the one who didn’t blab is saying, “Dammit, there goes all my fucking food.”
Me: Ha!
Mom: But I’m glad I didn’t return it to the store. I thought it was broken because I had no birds!
Me: Well, it might just be that they hadn’t migrated up there yet.
Mom: Oh.
Mom: I hadn’t thought about that.
