On Breaking Up

So glad to hear that you have dinner plans with friends tonight.  You know enough to try to keep busy. But, living alone, one cannot always  talk to someone else–on the other hand, you can talk to yourself.  I think I do that sometime.  Lady used to get up and look at me like “are you talking to me?”  and I realized I was talking to myself.  Perhaps you need a pet, naah–too much care.

Weather Related Advice of the Day

Dear Beautiful Children,
Whatever you need to do today, take some time outside to feel the sun on your face and arms, breathe slowly and relax.
Love, Mom

How to Cross the Street

Please be careful on the streets of Toronto, too many accidents lately. Remember to cross at the crosswalks, preferably with a group of fat people on either side of you.

Quintessential Mom Advice

I think you should visit Europe in the Spring.  They have lousy weather in the winter.  I also think you should try to have a baby.  Love Mom

Grandma Knows Best

Backstory: I emailed my mom a book suggestion: “How to Sew a Button and Other Nifty Things Your Grandmother Knew”.

Why don’t I just write one myself?  All I’ve experienced as a grandmother.  I’ll look through my nightly journals, even though some of them ramble because of the Ambien.  Well, that could be a nifty tip right there. If you wake up in the morning with a spoon of peanut butter stuck to your face, you should not be taking Ambien.  See?

Educational Advice

Backstory: I wasn’t looking forward to grading a stack of essays.

You should tell them just to write a short sentence. Like a twitter!

MAINTAIN!

Backstory: I had written my mom and told her that I was just trying to “maintain”. This was her response.

MAINTAIN- know you can do it. Be sure to take good care of YOURSELF. Don’t let anyone take advantage of YOU. ESPECIALLY NOT YOUR WORK! Will talk later. I thought that you and Diego were “an item”? Maybe it’s just the pressure of work. But we can talk if you want to. Don’t write back-know you’re busy.

Love, your mom who is full of advice

Dreaming is a Life Rope

Backstory: I ran into a guy I haven’t seen in the ten years it’s been since high school at a bar; I was telling my mom about it & asked if it was bad that I was hoping he was single.

Mom: of course that is not bad… it is day dreaming… dreaming is a life rope
Me: oh ok.
Me: i’ll trust you this time. :P
Mom: heh, my mother, on the other hand, used to always say, get your head out of the clouds
Mom: thank god i didnt listen to her

Throw Those M&Ms in the Trash!

Backstory: I recently told my mom that I was on a low cal diet and now she insists on sending me ideas on how to avoid temptation.

u need to throw those m&ms in the trash and eat salad for dinner. ha ha. the biggest loser is on now that should help.  Have you seen them??

Long Distance Wedding Planning

Backstory: I am currently working two jobs plus graduate school and planning my wedding from a distance…panicked this morning about not having a veil or picking out the silk flower headpiece – so I just bought one, on the internet and had it sent to my mom’s house. And then asked if being an adult ever got better. This was her response.

It looks lovely.  I’ll be looking for it.  It does not have to match exactly colorwise since it will be separated from the dress by your head.
Mom
PS  No being grownup is often not fun.

Definition of a Spinster

Backstory: I am having trouble with my boyfriend and accidentally told my mother…

Well yes – men do have a penchant to be ****holes – it’s in their genes.
Believe me – no man is allergic to marriage unless they are gay – and even then.
Marriage is not obligatory these days people happily live together for eternities without being shackled except that you are English and he is American – savvy? to coin a very nice! carribbean pirate’s phrase – as you can guess I have been watching sky movies!!
Anyway, like I say play it cool and hard to get – a bit of flirting does wonders (but be very very careful who you flirt with), as does a complete make-over on the glam stakes (but wait until I get there and we can do it together!)
One has to be very wiley when it comes to men. Are you still coming home for Imogen’s wedding – why don’t you suggest that ********* comes with you – for Devilment? You are already a spinster – being single and all.
Definition – unmarried, single, spinster of the parish etc. and so forth.

Tee hee Tee hee

Mum >< >< ><

Advice on Being a Rock Star

Backstory: I’m the lead singer in a rock band and a video of one our performances ended up on youtube.

I just watched the new video and the performance was great. However, is there anything I can do to stop you from wrapping the cord around your neck? The show will not suffer if you don’t do it. I cannot believe it’s worth the risk of tripping and falling, of it getting stuck and tightening, of a fan thinking it would be funny to grab it – you catch my drift. None of that is even related to the main reason not to do it. The kid in Worcester (who had just signed with a label was getting ready to tour) died because “The pressure caused a clot in his jugular vein that and stopped oxygen from flowing to his brain. He appeared fine immediately after the performance, but later felt dizzy and had a lack of sensation in his legs. He died the following day at Boston Medical Center.” You wouldn’t even know it was a problem until it is too late.
So I am begging you, please don’t do it anymore. Maybe to give you old mom this little bit of peace of mind you’ll consider it?

Tomato Plant Advice

oh, just remembered didnt tell you about pinching out…hard to explain and in fact depends what sort of plant you have….some are bush tomatoes (often if they are cherry, but not always) but if NOT bush tomatoes then pinching out is necessary- look in the plants arm-pits- you know between the main stem and the branches…if you see little sprouts there, rub them out or pinch off. If you dont, they grow huge and your plant goes all out of control and doesnt fruit so well.
You have to be quite bossy to be a tomato grower…No! you WILL grow THIS way and NOT the way you want to, stupid little plant….

He Should Be Doing These Things Because He Loves You

Backstory: My mom was upset that my fiance complained about taking me to the doctor.  I have a condition and I can’t drive myself right now.

He is supposed to be your partner, right?  your future husband?  You have a medical problem and he needs to be there for you and too damn bad if it’s inconvenient for him or takes him out of his way.  that’s what he’s supposed to do.  Who else out there can you depend on if not him?  I don’t care if he’s tired or put out, he should be doing these things because he loves you and he is concerned for your safety and health.  You would do the same and much more for him and I know you already have, my dear.  He needs to grow up, I know you don’t need to hear this right now, but this is the kind of thing that makes me angry when I am already worried about you and hate that you are so far away for me to help you.  Ok, I’m done.  Not quite, he needs to buck up and take care of you.  OK, I’m done now!!!!!  Just tell him he needs to get his ass up early one day and take you to the dr. if you still feel as crappy as you have been by Friday.

No Congratulations Necessary

If you get that Congratulations thingy at the bottom of the screen saying you have won a gift certificate -
DON’T BELIEVE IT! It’s a trick. Believe me. love Granny

I Ain’t Saying She’s a Golddigger…

I really think you need to meet a guy who earns a lot of money. I’m not trying to be like the mother from Titanic – “What do you want me to SEW for the rest of my life?!”, I just think you’d be happier.

Playing the Dating Game

Backstory: I was getting ready to go on my first date after a rough break up, and was talking to a couple of different guys.

Just wanted to bless your sweet heart……you don’t have to play the game.
BTW, what are you thinking about dating 2 men? Let me know, cause girls used to do it all the time back in my day.
I love you.

How Life is Like an Elastic Waistband

Again, I love you every minute. It doesn’t matter if you “fall apart so much.” That’s part of you. Like eating too much at Thanksgiving, it’s going to happen. We have to try to protect ourselves from letting it happen. If we can’t then we just need to minimize the times it happens or the issue itself by protecting ourselves by wearing an elastic waistband.

She’s Into He’s Just Not That Into You

I just picked up K’s [my sister's] book called “He’s just not that into you”
Your daily Wake-up Call, small book, pocket size really.  It has 273
pages with words of wisdom – for smart women on how to tell when a guy
just doesn’t like them enough, so they can stop wasting time making
excuses for a dead-end relationship. “Beautiful, smart woman deserve
better.”  It really was quite good.  K had several pages marked.
Pick one up and tell me what you think?

This is in no way meant to reflect on your relationship with J [my ex-boyfriend].
Just found it had some very good “words of wisdom” for any women.

Love you

That Could Lead to Quite a Show

Backstory: I was going to a wedding and couldn’t decide what dress to wear. Fortunately, my mother had a few sound words of advice…

Dear J,
I really liked the dress you bought yesterday. The fit was terrific. However, before you wear it, please try it on during the day for H to make sure it isn’t too see through. One more thing – if you decide to use pantyhose without underpants – be careful not to catch the bouquet because the guy who catches the garter will have to put the garter on your leg while you are sitting down. That could lead to quite a show.

Have fun!

Love,
Mom



Love, Mom