I Would Give Him the Ride of His Life

Backstory: My 70 year-old mother just met my sister’s new boyfriend. Phil is mom’s boyfriend.

Mary, Mary Maryyyyyyyy,
OMG.  Does Sue know how lucky she is??? I saw a picture of him, but it didn’t do him justice.  He has dark hair, blue eyes, and very white teeth that are just crooked enough to be so   sexy.  Like he needs the teeth thingy.  I wish I were 40 and sexy and cute because I would give him the ride of his life.  DO NOT tell Sue.  She has a big mouth and would tell him.  You know she would.  I love her but she can’t keep anything to herself.  OHHHH, Mary.  WOW.  OH OH OH no kidding.  WOW.  Phil got the kids so worked up they were having fun.  I wonder what he thinks of this not ever been married or had children.  He seems to take it in stride.  OMG.

Have I lost my “Hotness” ?

Okay girls I need your honest opinion here. This is probably caused by the fact that I am heading towards the big 60 and can already see the signs of aging creeping up on me. Anyway, I need to know how you girls see me because you are my best critics.
Am I too thin?  Do you like my hairstyle or did you like it better when it was shorter like in your cousin’s wedding pics or longer like I had it 8 years ago? Do you think I could stand to change what I wear, like are my sneakers too old lady looking? Have I lost my “Hotness” ? If so, what can I do to get it back? Can you really see the newly acquired wrinkles on my face and do I look OLD? You will go through this too some day so don’t laugh, just tell me what I need to know. Answering honestly will not disqualify you from any inheritance…LOL, but then again you never know.
Love, Mom

A Little Husband-Related Advice

Backstory: My mother in law sent this in an email titled “little advice” after she saw pics of my hubby in my summer photos on facebook.

mom: Sweetheart, if you must take a photo of my baby without a shirt, PLEASE DON’T POST IT.  He looks very big and I worry about him.  Has he gained a lot since last year?  Love, Mom

me: Sure but I guess I will be posting no pics of him then except winter because he is always shirtless in the summer. Also Everyone looks heavier in photos and rest assured he hasn’t put on any weight since last year. He works out religiously and has passed all his check ups. Hope your all well. How are you doing on the quitting smoking? Love, Me

You Look Great, Except…

I love you. With the exception of a slightly bloodshot eye, you looked exceptionally lovely today….
off to make dad pasta salad…talk with you later.

The Meaning of Gray Hair

me: i just found my first gray hair

mom: really

me: [sent pic text to mom]

mom: oh oh! should start family soon

I Just Feel Sorry For All the Ugly People

I just saw your subject line False advertising and just about shit myself.  You are so effin beautiful that when I see you in a photo I don’t know you are in I don’t always recognize you because I still filter you through my minds eye and just never really understood how absolutely gorgeous you are.  I always thought it was just because I love you so much.  Does that make any sense?  I always knew you guys were beautiful  but then I get to see you how others do and I just feel sorry for all the ugly people.

Engagement Shoes

Backstory: This is the first email I received from my parents after I told them I was engaged. My mom does not use the computer so my dad sends the emails on her behalf…

Mom wants to know what your shoe size is.  She wants to get you a special pair of shoes that help you to lose wt.

Love, Dad

The New Neighbor’s “Work”

New neighbors seem very nice but can see she has had “work done” she has the goofy looking lips that remind me of a duck’s beak but now lines around the mouth.
Love you,

Beauty Tips

Backstory: I just told my mom I was having my first facial at a local salon.


Divorce Looks Good on You

Backstory: I hadn’t seen my mom in a few months, since having broke up with my ex husband.
Wow, divorce really suits you! You look so thin!

The Photographic Evidence

OK … I tried to send a note on facebook but something was going funky with it.

On the picture of M and B … look in the background … I look horrible!
I look like some hard old alcoholic aunt who smokes, curses, and drinks too much! Why didn’t you tell me I looked so bad? When I saw “me” in the picture I actually blanched … blah!!
Now I’m really depressed.

Seriously, Gary

Backstory: Not only does my mom love typing phonetically (see also: “sat-chill” for the far-too-common “satchel”), she has a serious love-hate (well, hate) relationship with MTV “Teen Mom’s” Amber who constantly berates her boyfriend with the stinging, “Seriously Gary.” But, you know, with an accent of some sort.

Checking my gray hairs today, I noticed that there is dye on my scalp in blotchy form.  It looks like scabs all over the top of my head!  I quickly pulled the hair back up and put my hat on….  happy I packed it my sat-chill.  I had no idea it was so noticeable.  Looks like I have a head disease – seriously Gear-ree.  I’m gonna have to scrub it out somehow off the scalp first before re-dying my hair.  It looks permanent!

Cougar Vs. Frump

I hope all is well.  It doesn’t sound like the big party was much fun for you.  I’m sure you were gracious and charming.  I just bought tickets for Erykah Badu next week.  She’ll be at the Fillmore June 2 and I thought it would be a fun way to celebrate the end of the school year.  I promise I will not dress like a Cougar but what do I wear so I won’t look to frumpy?

Itsy-Bitsy Teeny-Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Momkini

Me: Woah, Mom, you’re not hiding anything in this bikini pic we just found!
Mom: Girls… your mom was HOT.  Men wanted her and women feared her.

Attraction 101

Backstory: I had e-mailed my mom a friend’s wedding website, which tells the story of how she and her fiance met, and that they were instantly attracted to each other.

Did you read that he was attracted to her at first sight?  That’s why I tell you to always wear makeup and look good when you go anywhere.  Guys notice your looks first.  If you don’t look good they won’t give you a second look.  That’s how your father noticed me.  I was walking down the street with my girlfriend and he said I looked hot.

The Graduation Speaker: An Evaluation

Backstory: My mom, during my college graduation, regarding the keynote speaker.

Real cute but teeth need whitening.  None the less, id do him if asked nicely.

Maybe the Camera Adds 10 Pounds?

me: started the hair trials for the wedding, here is a pic of the first one.

mom: Sweet…kinda… R u putting on a little weight or is the hairstyle doing that????

Jort Alert

Backstory: After having to explain to my Spanish boyfriend what ‘jorts’ are, he decided to find the best example he could and post a picture on facebook. This is my mom’s reaction after seeing it.

your mother loves you and that jort picture is amazing… i never want to hear any comments about my hulk hogan culottes again.

No Cougars or Ugly Daughters, Please

Backstory: I sent my mom some photos from college just to let her know I survived through the party weekend before finals. My facebook photo she references was of me wearing a leopard print shirt (that wasn’t revealing at all).

What a good looking group of friends!!

Miss you.  Where did you get the top for the facebook photo?  Just me but animal prints always seem shady or cougar like….You still look beautiful….have not changed in two weeks….hope you look the same when you get home….I could not stand having an ugly daughter…yes, I am that superficial…..dodged another bullet….I guess then we could have gotten you plastic surgery.



Pants Retirement

You are invited to a retirement party for the pants I am wearing today – so out of date! OY – that’s when wearing a lab coat comes in handy.

See you later. xoo

Love, Mom