I love you. With the exception of a slightly bloodshot eye, you looked exceptionally lovely today….
off to make dad pasta salad…talk with you later.

Backstory: This is the first email I received from my parents after I told them I was engaged. My mom does not use the computer so my dad sends the emails on her behalf…

Mom wants to know what your shoe size is.  She wants to get you a special pair of shoes that help you to lose wt.

Love, Dad

New neighbors seem very nice but can see she has had “work done” she has the goofy looking lips that remind me of a duck’s beak but now lines around the mouth.
Love you,
Mom

Backstory: I just told my mom I was having my first facial at a local salon.

I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF THEM, BUT FACIALS ARE WONDERFUL. ARE YOU GOING TO LET THEM MAKE YOU UP? THAT TIME I WENT TO ELIZABETH ARDEN THEY MADE ME LOOK LIKE A HOOKER.

Backstory: I hadn’t seen my mom in a few months, since having broke up with my ex husband.
Wow, divorce really suits you! You look so thin!

OK … I tried to send a note on facebook but something was going funky with it.

On the picture of M and B … look in the background … I look horrible!
I look like some hard old alcoholic aunt who smokes, curses, and drinks too much! Why didn’t you tell me I looked so bad? When I saw “me” in the picture I actually blanched … blah!!
Now I’m really depressed.

Backstory: Not only does my mom love typing phonetically (see also: “sat-chill” for the far-too-common “satchel”), she has a serious love-hate (well, hate) relationship with MTV “Teen Mom’s” Amber who constantly berates her boyfriend with the stinging, “Seriously Gary.” But, you know, with an accent of some sort.

Checking my gray hairs today, I noticed that there is dye on my scalp in blotchy form.  It looks like scabs all over the top of my head!  I quickly pulled the hair back up and put my hat on….  happy I packed it my sat-chill.  I had no idea it was so noticeable.  Looks like I have a head disease – seriously Gear-ree.  I’m gonna have to scrub it out somehow off the scalp first before re-dying my hair.  It looks permanent!

Me: Woah, Mom, you’re not hiding anything in this bikini pic we just found!
Mom: Girls… your mom was HOT.  Men wanted her and women feared her.

Backstory: I had e-mailed my mom a friend’s wedding website, which tells the story of how she and her fiance met, and that they were instantly attracted to each other.

Did you read that he was attracted to her at first sight?  That’s why I tell you to always wear makeup and look good when you go anywhere.  Guys notice your looks first.  If you don’t look good they won’t give you a second look.  That’s how your father noticed me.  I was walking down the street with my girlfriend and he said I looked hot.

Backstory: My mom, during my college graduation, regarding the keynote speaker.

Real cute but teeth need whitening.  None the less, id do him if asked nicely.

Backstory: After having to explain to my Spanish boyfriend what ‘jorts’ are, he decided to find the best example he could and post a picture on facebook. This is my mom’s reaction after seeing it.

your mother loves you and that jort picture is amazing… i never want to hear any comments about my hulk hogan culottes again.

Backstory: I sent my mom some photos from college just to let her know I survived through the party weekend before finals. My facebook photo she references was of me wearing a leopard print shirt (that wasn’t revealing at all).

What a good looking group of friends!!

Miss you.  Where did you get the top for the facebook photo?  Just me but animal prints always seem shady or cougar like….You still look beautiful….have not changed in two weeks….hope you look the same when you get home….I could not stand having an ugly daughter…yes, I am that superficial…..dodged another bullet….I guess then we could have gotten you plastic surgery.

Study.

Love,
Mom

You are invited to a retirement party for the pants I am wearing today – so out of date! OY – that’s when wearing a lab coat comes in handy.

See you later. xoo