Backstory: Not only does my mom love typing phonetically (see also: “sat-chill” for the far-too-common “satchel”), she has a serious love-hate (well, hate) relationship with MTV “Teen Mom’s” Amber who constantly berates her boyfriend with the stinging, “Seriously Gary.” But, you know, with an accent of some sort.

Checking my gray hairs today, I noticed that there is dye on my scalp in blotchy form.  It looks like scabs all over the top of my head!  I quickly pulled the hair back up and put my hat on….  happy I packed it my sat-chill.  I had no idea it was so noticeable.  Looks like I have a head disease – seriously Gear-ree.  I’m gonna have to scrub it out somehow off the scalp first before re-dying my hair.  It looks permanent!

Me: Woah, Mom, you’re not hiding anything in this bikini pic we just found!
Mom: Girls… your mom was HOT.  Men wanted her and women feared her.

Backstory: I had e-mailed my mom a friend’s wedding website, which tells the story of how she and her fiance met, and that they were instantly attracted to each other.

Did you read that he was attracted to her at first sight?  That’s why I tell you to always wear makeup and look good when you go anywhere.  Guys notice your looks first.  If you don’t look good they won’t give you a second look.  That’s how your father noticed me.  I was walking down the street with my girlfriend and he said I looked hot.

Backstory: My mom, during my college graduation, regarding the keynote speaker.

Real cute but teeth need whitening.  None the less, id do him if asked nicely.

Backstory: After having to explain to my Spanish boyfriend what ‘jorts’ are, he decided to find the best example he could and post a picture on facebook. This is my mom’s reaction after seeing it.

your mother loves you and that jort picture is amazing… i never want to hear any comments about my hulk hogan culottes again.

Backstory: I sent my mom some photos from college just to let her know I survived through the party weekend before finals. My facebook photo she references was of me wearing a leopard print shirt (that wasn’t revealing at all).

What a good looking group of friends!!

Miss you.  Where did you get the top for the facebook photo?  Just me but animal prints always seem shady or cougar like….You still look beautiful….have not changed in two weeks….hope you look the same when you get home….I could not stand having an ugly daughter…yes, I am that superficial…..dodged another bullet….I guess then we could have gotten you plastic surgery.

Study.

Love,
Mom

You are invited to a retirement party for the pants I am wearing today – so out of date! OY – that’s when wearing a lab coat comes in handy.

See you later. xoo

Backstory: I was spending 3 months abroad and my mom (who just learned how to use the computer) and I were emailing each other every day. She doesn’t speak English so I translated it from Portuguese. B would be me, and Mcam would be a Web Cam

I got the other pictures. They turned out really well. Send me more whenever you feel like it.
B, could you my honeybee, cut your bangs again? Because you look prettier that way.
I’m not trying to upset you my daughter, but I really like your hair that way.
B, could you please buy me a mcam? I don’t know if this is the name but you understand, right?
I hope I can talk to you before New Year’s, why aren’t you calling me, why?

kisses,
Mami

Word of advice – the T-shirts (particularly the womens) run *very small* — when I put mine on, Daddy was thrilled but I would never go out in it! I know, TMI….

I AM SO SLEEPY, I WAS SO WOUND UP OVER IDOL, AND I COULDN’T GET TO SLEEP. THEN THIS MORNING I WOKE UP AND IT WAS REALLY DARK IN THE HOUSE AND HOT AS HELL, THE POWER WENT OFF. I NEEDED TO WASH MY HAIR AND I PUT MY MAKEUP ON BY CANDLELIGHT. I LOOK LIKE A TRAINWRECK THIS MORNING. I GRABBED THE FIRST THING THAT DIDN’T NEED TO BE IRONED, LUCKILY THAT DOESN’T LOOK TOO BAD, THEN AS I AM LEAVING THE LIGHTS COME ON, TOO LATE TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT THE HAIR, I LOOK LIKE I WASHED MY HAIR IN CRISCO.

Backstory: My mom’s a Korean immigrant who married an American back in the 1980’s and moved to the States with him.

Dear Bad Daughter,

That’s right. You are bad.

Just kidding. For once you’ve done nothing wrong.

Guess what. Today your Aunt Grace came over with Jon and Dana and you know, every time I see those kids I’m glad I didn’t marry a Korean who looks like Grace. I love Uncle Pete, but his kids will always be ugly. You know Mommy is harsh, so if you were ugly you would know. You girls are so lucky you’re not ugly…I think I’d be a lot sadder all the time.

You know, I wonder if Aunt Grace gets sad when you girls visit her. Oh well – she’s a mean person so maybe she deserves it a little!

Love,
Mommy

I want you to stop hiding your VERY cute butt and start wearing cut-offs and bathing suits to show it off.  Everywhere you look people are talking about “who has the best butt” and the people they are raving about are Beyonce, J Lo, and this Kardashion girl and all of them have nice rounded “bootys’ that are bigger then yours.  Curves are IN, skinny is out and your are hiding yours – dumb.  You would look really good in tight cut-offs and instead you go around in baggy capris that are not near as flattering.  You need to show off your ‘assets’!  I would give a lot to have your butt instead of my flat saggy one, and I would show it off.  You have beautiful legs and you hide them too.  So start wearing shorter skirts instead of those “old lady” ones and flaunt what you are lucky enough to have.  One day it will be gone and then you will HAVE to wear old lady clothes, BUT NOT NOW!!!

There, that is my lecture of the day,
Love you, Mom

When I left here yesterday morning, I thought your dad had put my
overnite bag in the car while I was having breakfast. He didn’t think of it.
It wasn’t until last night that I realized I didn’t have it. That meant no daily medication, and no makeup. Rather than go out totally un-made up, I used a black Sharpie pen for eye liner and shadow, and a red marker for rouge. The ’shadow’ and ‘rouge’ were each smudged with my mother’s old colagen cream. It worked perfectly!

We finally got your photo proofs back. Well, they’re not all that good. Is that too blunt?? Not nearly as good as those high school graduation pics. There’s one that’s passable, so maybe we’ll get that– but they’re really kind of bad. I’m astonished. They must have used a really bad studio– and your black drape looks way too big for you— making your shoulders look all rounded and it’s kind of falling off of you, so you look like an old frumpy woman- it’s all a little weird. And your hair looks kind of plastered down like it’s all greasy or something. I don’t know, honey. They look pretty bad– and in two, your eyes are shut– and they only sent 4 proofs. How many pics did they take? But the pearls look nice. :)
xoxoxoxooxoxoxox

Ashley,

I have a pimple on my chin WHAT DO I DO??????

Love,
Mom