Christ in a Clown Suit

Backstory: my mom is religious, I am not.

Me: i got THE CUTEST green dress with bloomers for hopie (my boyfriend’s new niece)
Me: it is! i texted geoff to make sure it was ok

Not-So-Subtle Fertility Advice

Backstory: I am neither pregnant nor trying.

Make sure youre taking 400 micrograms of folic acid daily, critical to fertility and fetal development. xoxoxoxo

Holding Your First Born for Ransom

me: I applied for the job
mom: Yay for you, yay for me!
me: why yay for you?
mom: You owe me like 10k. Im gonna hold your first born hostage til paid in full. Im gonna name it Ardsley. So excited

Nasty Kid Is Yours to Deal With

Backstory: After spending a day with my uncle’s rather misbehaved one-year-old, I let my mother know that if I ended up having similar children, I would be happy to send them to their grandma.

If you have a nasty kid it is yours to deal with, mother is getting old and has done her duty in the kid department and I will be more that happy to babysit but not raise.  You birth em you raise em.

Quintessential Mom Advice

I think you should visit Europe in the Spring.  They have lousy weather in the winter.  I also think you should try to have a baby.  Love Mom

Pumpkin Carving In Utero

Backstory: My sister’s baby is due in March. It is still in her uterus.


I picked up two medium pumpkins today, in case you feel like carving them when you’re here. And I got one little bitty one for the baby! Hee, hee!

No Kind Words for an Ex-Fiance

Backstory: My ex-fiance had a baby, and I sent my mom facebook pictures of the baby and the wife.

The baby is ugly and so is she.

Stitch n’ Bitch

Backstory: My mom & I are both members of the fiber site; she crochets & I knit. My younger sister is expecting her first baby (a boy!), and mom sent me this private message within the Ravelry site. The “penis face” reference comes from me telling Ravelry how fun mom is & posting a pic of her modeling a penis mask at my sister’s bachelorette party.

So, are you going to start knitting for your new nephew? Of course, your sister thinks I am going to go crazy, as if it was any of HER business.
I think he will need lots of little socks & hats. Of course, at the rate I go, I’d better start something now to have it finished in Feb. Your afghan comes first. Love & miss you
Penis Face Mom

Now That You’re a Loose Woman

Backstory: I spent a year backpacking and I called my mum all excited about a great guy I met. This was part of her response.

I had a dream last night about you and babies! Which prompts me to STRESS that now that you are a Loose Woman you absolutely don’t want, or should I say I don’t want you to become a surprised statistic. You know the ones that never think it can happen to them and then finds themselves pregnant. In this day and age there is no reason for that to happen.

I think it would be a good time to get onto the pill, and the added benefit is that your periods become less! Yippee! A good effect.

When I Was Your Age…

Backstory: Turned 26 today; mom has been yearning for grandchildren the past few years, but neither I or my siblings have any kids.
i was just thinking when i was your age i was divorced single parent with 2 kids. what are you waiting on???

It’s Baby Time!

Backstory: My husband (M) and I are graduating from grad school in May… and we’ve been married for a little over 3 years…

Mom: You and M should treat yourself to a baby for graduation!
Me: Great… a lifelong committment, just what we need… we’re doing a vacation.
Mom: That’s perfect!  That’s exactly what you need!
Me: Mom, that’s horrifying.
Mom: What, I didn’t say it…
Me: Saying it and subliminally hinting to it are the same thing.
Mom: Well… you *are* married… a vacation without birth control would be perfect!

I Don’t Think You Had Ears.

Forty yrs ago today I sat in Roy and Mary’s house watching the moon landing and telling you all about it, in utero. However, since I was only 2 mos pregnant I don’t think you had ears.
love you

Become a Slut, Have a Baby

Backstory: my mom REALLY wants to be a grandma. even if I have to become a slut to make it happen.

Kendra is having a baby!!!!

OMG I’m so happy!!!!

Her mom is so lucky!!!!

She’s going to be  grandma!!!!

And Kendra is only 23!!!!

She’s a slut—but only 23!!!!!

Frozen Baby FYI

mom: If you see a frozen baby, don’t give up. Because babies can stay frozen for a very long time.
me: I really hope you don’t know this from experience. Because right now I am seriously questioning your child rearing skills.
mom: no, I was just watching Frozen River and I remembered reading that somewhere. don’t give up!

We Won the Prize

Backstory: my husband and I were on vacation in europe and my mom emailed every day with family updates.  g is my niece, p is my sister in law.

last nite g was running around the back yard in diapers only.and her fungi shopping cart………..she picked up something that stuck to her hand . p said from the deck while i was smoking……………drop it gianna……..but it stuck to her hand ……………….guess what it was………………………………………………………dog poop……………..we won the trailer park family prize……… mom

Speaking of Babies…

Backstory: My mom sends me funny videos while I’m at work on an almost daily basis. Today’s video was a crying baby and a whining dog.

Me: That’s so cute! The baby stops crying every time the dog starts whining!
Mom: Speaking of babies… you received a box of baby formula samples in the mail yesterday… anything you want to tell me?
Me: Um…no. Why the heck would I get baby formula samples? Weird. Feel free to toss them.
P.S. If I was pregnant and trying to hide it from you, I wouldn’t have baby formula sent to your house instead of mine.

Take the Baby Video Hint

Me: you keep sending me videos of babies
Mom: i have to go
me: ha it’s okay
Mom: take a hint why don’t you?
me: duly noted
Mom: ok, that will be the only one i give
me: the one with the dads doing the diapers makes me laugh
Mom: the emails aren’t intended to be hints
me: it’s okay if you want grandkids
Mom: i know
i’m not dying for them
me: i know
Mom: i just don’t want it to become too late
me: i think we’re still okay
Mom: well, i’ll talk with you later

Subtle Hint

Backstory: my mom hosted a slumber party at her house for all of my cousins’ children (cute, right?) But she is off her rocker if she thinks I’m having kids anytime soon.

I had a blast with the girls this weekend. But….you really need to get married soon and have children right away. Not sure how old I can be to continue doing that gig !!!

“hands on” grandma!!

Backstory: My mom watches my sister’s 2 kids during the day, and the youngest is potty training.

They’ve been pretty good today except Ty can’t learn to point his goober down when he’s on the potty and he pees all over the floor, his clothes, and – if I’m not fast – all over me!! He’s lost all concept of pottying and I have to remind him every 30 minutes or so. I love being a “hands on” grandma!!

Clock’s A-Tickin’

How does it feel to be almost 30 years old? Time to start making those babies!!!!

Love, Mom