The Dumb Ass Sombrero Award

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Larry today!  I was telling my homies that Larry wanted to Cafe Luna for lunch today, and that Lindsey mentioned it was a topless bar at night, which I thought was kind of odd, but okay,it’s his birthday so if that’s what he WANTS to do!  Alan started laughing hysterically and said, it’s tapas, not topless!   I think I’m going to get awarded the dumb ass sombrero for today.  I honestly had not heard of a tapas bar, nor did I know what it meant.  I need to get out more.

Birthday Body Flash Backs



I wondered why I had weird pains all day yesterday.  My body was having flash backs. LOL

Happy… Birthday?

Hope you are having a great day.  I don’t remember having such a great day about this time 27 years ago!  (My exact quote: “Give me drugs, I don’t care if she is brain damaged for life.”)  But I love you anyway. I’ll call this evening.  Love, Mom

Happy-ish Birthday

Tomorrow is your birthday…yady yady pooh pooh

Embracing the Black Sheep

Backstory: Typical gifts to me from my brother include an air mattress inflater (I don’t own an air mattress), a vinyl Playboy purse, and a used Maglight

I KNOW that I am SUCH a Mother – control-freak – however: please remember to get your brother a card, do not need to get a gift. A home-made from the computer or otherwise would be great.  I know that he can be delinquent at times with tangible things BUT, at times, he seems to live on the perifory(?) of our family relationships and I want us to really embrace and focus on him for his 30th B’day.  It is a ‘Mother thing’ and I promise that y’all are not left out of the ‘Mother thing’ at certain times.   Better stop, while I THINK? I am ahead!  XOXOXO  MAMA

He’d Do The Same For You!

Do not forget that tomorrow is the 40th birthday of your brother. Rub it in. He would do the same for you!

My Daughter, aka Little One Who Almost Caused Me to Die in Childbirth

Backstory: This conversation happened on my birthday.

me: get your rest! love you!

mom: I love you too. little one who almost caused me to die in childbirth….I would gladly have saccrificed myself for you except that it would have deprived your brother of his life ;)

me: i’ll keep that in mind. good night

mom: g’night. <3

Happy Birthday to You (And Your Ovaries)

Backstory: This occurred on my 38th birthday, when she was IMing to wish me a Happy Birthday.

Mom: Do you have a good ob/gyn?

Me: I guess so, why?

Mom: You should really get someone good, lots of women who haven’t had kids yet go into early menopause at 38.

Me: Well happy birthday to me! Why would you say that?

Mom: I didn’t. I didn’t go there.

Me: A) Since when do you even say “go there”? and B) Yes, you did, it’s right there on the screen, was someone else typing?

Mom: Ok, new topic.

What Dad Wants for His Birthday


i asked dad what to get him for his birthday, he said he wanted a steak and a blowjob… i said “should i tell D then?” and he said, “oh…. i will think of something else.” i’ll let you know.. but i think he needs a new hoodie.


When I Was Your Age…

Backstory: Turned 26 today; mom has been yearning for grandchildren the past few years, but neither I or my siblings have any kids.
i was just thinking when i was your age i was divorced single parent with 2 kids. what are you waiting on???

You Could Even Pass Out!

You know…food, drink, play…at our house. Did you have something else in mind? You could tell me what you want for food and a birthday dessert and I’d make you bloody marys or whatever. You could pass out and I wouldn’t let anyone take your picture and post it on the internet.

Dad’s Birthday Gift: Too Subtle?

I would so much appreciate if you called or wrote to Dad for his birthday.  And, despite any under the mustache grumbling on his part, I know he would, too.

So far I am thinking of getting him a banana plant.  Is that too subtle?

The Coffee of Despair

Backstory: My ex-boyfriend’s parents are coming to town and want me to join them and their son for dinner — on his birthday.

mom: well, if it’s his b-day, you should probably take a gift
me: oh geez
what do you get for somebody whose heart you just broke?
mom: like maybe a starbuck’s gift card or something

Best Birthday Ever.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Momma Ahoy!

Backstory: My mom has decided to throw a monumental pirate party for her 55th birthday and is going overboard with preparations.

that’s my girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the DUH syndrome inherited from her mommallama!

i finally got the kitchen “nook” cleaned out. NOW everything’s on the kitchen table & counters! hope to get that sorted thru today. going to get the office DONE today also. I BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!! i couldn’t sleep last nite thinking about stuff. i may actually be bi.
polar, that is. racing thoughts. grandiose ideas…i’d be dangerous if i could actually implement all my ideas!

look for any piratey stuff you got at home, any gold or silvery items for the trunk. jewelry. skeleton scarf you knitted andy…

love, mommallama

Next Stop…Barstow.

Mom: Just a reminder. Today is your dad’s birthday.
Me: Got it. Thanks mom!
Me: Wait dad was born in May.
Me: It’s March.
Mom: Ok the wheels have finally come off.

The Latest Crap Container

Notwithstanding a garbage can is a curious birthday gift, it’s needed, has a great dedicated design, more so than the latest crap container I worked out, stores the bags even, fits underneath perfectly, and, in a pinch can lure and trap something I might, in the future, truly desire and love and need to feed.

The Main Course

mom: sounds good to me, does he need a birthday dessert??
me: sure, how about a fortune cookie?
mom: i guess only if you are the fortune cookie–hee hee
me: OH MY GOD.
mom: lighten up –jk, jk…………
mom: why is it so gross, you’re not a little fortune cookie??? you could be a dumpling….or tofu
me: um but not a dessert!
mom: oh you’d rather be the main course??

Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad

I felt so bad this morning because when I was getting ready, for some reason I was thinking to myself about how old R will be in February. I thought he was 23 now but then that didn’t make sense that he would be turning 24 when you just turned 26. Then I couldn’t think if J was going to be 25 or what in March. So, I had to subtract 2009 from 1984 and 1986 to figure out how old they were going to be. That’s pretty bad when you can’t remember the exact age of 2 out of 3 of your kids. Sheesh. Love you, baby doll!

News From the Dog

G.G. wanted me to tell you that she pooped out a poop in the shape of a C in honor of your birthday. Sorry I didn’t send it out to you – you will just have to take my word for it.

Bye for now

your old Mom

Love, Mom