Death by Bad Boyfriend

So, just tell me one thing – are you back together with Josh?

Just so I know if I should hang myself tonight or tomorrow.

Useful For “Brawn,” Not “Brains”

Backstory: My boyfriend and I were having trouble assembling a piece of furniture.

Mom: did Bob try and help you?
Mom: I’m not saying a man would do a better job, but I know Daddy has more hand strength than I do when it
comes to turning screws, etc
Mom: in other words, men can be useful for “brawn” as opposed to “brains”
Here, Bob, tighten this screw…
Don’t ask any questions, just turn

he will RUIN this!

i LOVE this!!!! steam with hot water tonight when you get home, over a pot with a towel on your head.  try not to eat ANY sugar this week. it is the absolute worst for your skin, and cool the caffeine and NO chocolate.  call allie and find out what that stuff is she has and worse comes to worse buy the over the counter persigel.  you will be fine.  play up your eyes and juicy lips.  yayyyyyyy. fuck billy, i mean it.  do NOT speak to him ANY MORE.  he will RUIN this. xo mommy

The Truth About Mom’s Hot Boyfriends

Backstory: D is my former stepfather that neither of us are too fond of.

Me: I saw Mildred Pierce today and I’ve already seen Lolita.  Are these movies the reason you never brought your really hot boyfriends over while I was living there?

Mom: what do you mean?  How hot was D?

Me: that’s what I’m saying.  You were hiding all the hot ones around because you knew I’d seduce them
If you brought them around.

Mom: I had no other choice!

Bad Boyfriends Are Like Expensive Shoes

Backstory: I’m dating a guy who is not liked by any member of my family. He can be crass and uncouth at times, but he can also be charming and charismatic.

Bad boyfriends are like a pair of Jimmy Choo stilettos. You want them so bad when you first see ‘em and you end up shelling out way too much money just so you can call ‘em yours. When you finally bring them home, you realize they don’t really go with anything else in your closet (life). You hope for that rare day when you get to dress ‘em up and show ‘em off thinking all the other gals will envy you but when you do, they cause you nothing but pain, they wear out too quickly (if you know what I mean) and they end up sitting around your house, being useless, collecting dust. And those other gals? Not envious. My point? Throw ‘em out of the house and go shopping.

Found You a Boyfriend on Oprah

Backstory: I came out to my mom this last summer and she is awfully curious when I’m going to be bringing home a boyfriend.

Mom: Adam Lambert on Oprah – He is pretty cool.  I would like him to be your boyfriend.  He could pay your student loans!   Tweet That!
Me: Oh my goodness mom.
Mom: :-) oh come on… you know it’s a good idea.  I could borrow his nail polish!
Me: You’re hilarious.
Mom: Cute boyfriends with cosmetics should be an advantage for me!   Work with me!
Me: I’m all for it.  Send him an email and set something up.
Mom: He should be so lucky to date you!

What Did I Do Wrong?

Your sister called tonight on her way to her boyfriend’s for dinner.  I’m impressed.  He’s 30 and his house is paid for.  I’m 62 and mine is not.  What did I do wrong?

Label Police

Backstory: This is one of a handful of times she’s met the long-term boyfriend, on a college visiting weekend, for brunch.

Great to see you this weekend. It’s been bothering me and I did not want to say anything but shouldn’t the Made of Italian Fabric label or what ever it was on D’s great coat sleeve be taken off? Seems someone will make fun of it if you don’t tell him. Maybe I am crazy… Hes a lovely guy. Hugs.

When Mom Really Likes the New BF

Backstory: P3 is the nickname my mother has given to my new boyfriend.

Mom: will you see P3?
me: no, he’ll be in NJ on a choir trip
Mom: where?  I’ll stalk him

Meeting and Greeting the New Pets

Backstory: My boyfriend and his two cats moved in with me apartment this week.


please tell me again the name of the cats and a brief description of each. i want to be able to call them by name when i meet them. don’t want to be rude.

luv u,
mom xoxo

Your “Good Graces”

Backstory: I e-mailed my mom asking her for motherly advise on how to get my boyfriend to help me clean up around our apartment.

Ok so this is advise from your friend and not your mother. You have to make him understand that you are not his mother. You can suggest that if he would like to continue to be in you good graces….ie your pants that he remembers you arent the maid or the cook. Good luck.

Maybe he should see a doctor.

Have a fun nooner – but I have to tell you that it is a good thing you and [boyfriend] aren’t going to make a lifetime of it. He is waaay too young to be so sexually high maintenance. Are you sure he isn’t gay? Maybe he has a heart condition that he doesn’t know about. Maybe he should see a doctor. XO Mom

If the shoe fits…

Mom: I forgot to tell you. I really enjoyed dinner last night.

Me: We had a great time too. John loves listening to you.

Mom: The boy needs to get a life.

Me: Yes we know that, but what makes you say it?

Mom: Your statement – John loves listening to you.

Me: But I love listening to you too, does that mean I need to get a life?

Mom: If the shoe fits

Me: Thanks

Mom: But I love you anyway.

Mating With Our Family’s Cheeks

Thanks Honey, He is not what I expected. He has really nice eyes and seems really sweet.

The chubby cheeks might really be a detriment if you ever married and had kids (ha ha)

Mating with our family’s cheeks could be disastorous! JK.

Hope you are ok and the commute is not killing you. We made a grooming appt for Saturday am at 0800

and we figured we would talk to you about that and if you think it will work out. If not, we can change it.

Talk to you soon, Love mom

hot messes all around

Backstory: Mom just recently learned to use the term ‘hot mess” and she LOVES it.
me: why did your boyfriend wear a white suit with tennis shoes to the wedding party?
mom: he was a hot mess…someone sh** in our bathroom today…it was a hot mess…all over the seat…we share a bathroom with all the businesses…i can almost smell it through the computer.
me: That is disgusting. What did you do about it? Did you have to call maintenance?
mom: we run and hold our pee all day until the cleaning people show up tonight.
me: run where?
mom: run out of the bathroom and don’t go back

Oh, Let Me Just Meet Him

Honey, honestly, don’t you think it’s about time that pseudoboyfriend be moved up in status to boyfriend.  What’s with this, “wait until i come back to school in the Fall?” Does he think someone better is coming along in the meanwhile? Hmmm?  Doesn’t he know that YOU ARE THE FRIGGIN BEST? I should know.  I made you.  I suggest we plan an outing (hehe) where i grill, no wait, take you both out to dinner.  I promise to be nice.  I am, after all, a psychotherapist.  LOL.


Love, Mom