Backstory: My mom and I are on a family plan, and are shuffling around the accounts a bit for boring reasons. My grandmother is not dead.

Mom: I just cancelled the -1043 phone, and the guy asked me in such a chipper voice why I was doing that (“what’s going on?”) that I told him it was because my mother died.
Do you think God will strike her dead? or strike me dead?
Me: whoa
Me: why’d you say that??
Mom: I don’t know.  He was being so damned chipper
Me: wow
Me: weird, mom
Mom: yeah, maybe

Mom: Hey, can you call me on my cell phone? I set the ringer to vibrate and I need to make sure I did it right. I’m getting ready to go in somewhere and I don’t want it to ring if someone calls me.
Me: (snicker) OK.
[Called Mom’s phone]
Me: Did it ring or vibrate?
Mom: It rang AND vibrated.
Me: It did? What are you going to do??
Mom: I don’t know. I don’t want anyone to hear it.
Me: Use the volume buttons on the side of the phone. There should be a button with up & down arrows on the side. Use that to set the ringer. Look at the display and set it to “Vibrate Only.”
Mom: Oh, I thought I had to go into Tools.
Me: No.
Mom: Okay.
Me: Did you set it to vibrate?
Mom: Yeah but I can’t hear it very well.
Me: Sigh.

Mom: So L* and I were talking this past Sunday and we both decided that we want to be buried with a fully charged cell phone, just incase we need to phone ahead for reservations to Heaven or if we get lost and require directions…..Or worse yet if we forgot to give our offspring one final bit of info….LOL
Me: Oh lord, you’re going to haunt me from the grave?!
Mom: Only if you dress me funny….
Me: Bahahaha
Mom: I remember what you said @ that hat shop downtown in Chicago…
Me: Which was?
Mom: That I’d be dressed funny if I didn’t behave….
Me: Hehe. well…then you should just behave, huh? ;)
Mom: I behave most of the time, if I don’t I have fun…then I pray and repent….

Me: find out how much it is to break the cell phone contract and maybe i can pay for half
Mom: gee when you were drunk, you said you’d pay all of it.
Mom: so we’ll just get you liquored up and whip out your checkbook.
Me: shit
Mom: yeah, that too.

me: Hi mom, we’re on our way to dinner with some friends. I just wanted to let you know that my phone is almost dead, so if you can’t get ahold of me on it later, don’t worry.

mom: What, who is we? Why isn’t it charged?

me: We is me and [my husband], so if you need me, call me on his.

mom: Well that makes it a little bit better. I thought that maybe you were out with random friends.

me: Still though, I could always borrow their phones if I needed to. It’s not a big deal.

mom: ….Well ya, but if you get thrown into a trunk later tonight, wouldn’t it just be nicer to have your own phone?