Yes, Virginia, Your Mother is Insane

mom: so i am officially crazy- i just bought the children’s book “yes virginia, there is a santa claus’
me: ???  why?
mom: for a grandchild?
mom: but no pressure
mom: haha
me: please don’t say for your future grandbabies . . . oops.  too late.

Hope Mom Gets What She Wants for Christmas

Backstory: My mother has started texting a lot.  However, she does have difficulty with the predictive texting.  I think / hope she meant ‘sewing’.

For Christmas I want a sexing machine.

Christmas is for the Dogs

Backstory: I bought Mom a yorkie for her birthday two years ago because she had always wanted one. She treats that thing like a child and refuses to go places most of the time if she can’t take Daisy. Now she has decided that it is to cold for her to have to walk around. Its Texas. Not that cold.

Mom: Are you busy besides freezing?
Me: Nope
Mom: Do you want to play on the internet for me?
Me: Sure
Mom: You know those pouch looking things that people carry babies in on their front side, well they make them for dogs too. Can you try finding me 1??
Me: Are you sh*tting me? Why would you want one of those? If you want to carry Daisy, just buy a huge purse. Cuter and cheaper.
Mom: I am afraid it would not hold her more ways than one.
Me: Then put her on a leash :) No way in hell am I contributing to the decline of common sense and allowing the damn yankees to turn to their friends ans say “See Frank, I told you all of those southerners should have died in the civil war!” Damn yankees. :)
Mom: Thanks for the laugh. I will look tomorrow on the neighbors computer. Thanks anyways brat baby.

What You Missed on Christmas

Backstory: Bad weather prevented us from traveling across the state to my parents’ house for Christmas this weekend, so my mom took it upon herself to let me know about the festivities I missed out on.

We decided not to open our gifts (not that they were wrapped) until you and Jeff are here (I’m not getting anything anyway, I’m pretty sure).  Grandma called and you called and that has been a round up of our festive day.  Oh, I took a nap.  Your dad took a crap.  The end.



The Happiest Place

Backstory: I live in the city and come home to the suburbs for Christmas. I did all of my Christmas shopping online and shipped it to my parent’s house. I got a beaded jewelry set for my little cousin…

i get home last night and you had a card on the table to pick up a package from the post office, signature required… so I say “hmmmm she probably needs this for X-Mas soooo I’ll be a good Momma and pick it up”
I reviewed the “from” area on the receipt… it was hand written in chicken scratch from “My happy place” and I said holy crap maybe I shouldn’t pick this up!!! I really don’t want  to lnow about your happy place….
But once I did get it this morning (after announcing that this was NOT  MY PACKAGE in the post office) it was from  “My Hobby Place”……hehehhe boy did I feel better.
Love ya Momma

Snowed in at the Bar

Me: Why are you @ the bar?  Isn’t it snowing?
Mom: I’m here for the nite!
Me: You’re at the bar for the night?  like snowed in?
Mom: havin a burger a brew n a ball – shveaty ball

Worse Than a Lump of Coal

Mom: Please add to cookbook. I made it last night. It’s some good shiz.
Me: You KNOW how much I LOVE good shiz.
Mom: Shut your trap or it’ll be nothing but real shiz for you this Christmas.

Snoop Dogg in the GPS-izzle

Backstory: To put this in context, my mom is a late 50 year-old white woman.  She also really loves Snoop and has been to one of his concerts.

Just in case any of you need Christmas ideas, I just learned that Snoop Dogg is the new voice for Tom Tom Navigation system. For only 12.95 you can download a voice skin of him giving directions. Of course I have a Garmin so either I will need a new navigation system or you will have to figure out how to make it work on a Garmin. According to Snoop he did this because he “got tired of the boring lady’s voice”. You all know how much I love dogs!!

Mom’s Christmas Wish List: Picture Frame, Toilet Seat

1.  silver-big ball earrings

2.  cover up for beach large-white

3.  Frame for picture in my mail bin of dad for on my desk at work

4.  New toilet seat for my bathroom-no kidding white

5.  Size 8-Duck Boots-like I wear in the garden to work

6.  Another one of those books i read while in Hawaii

All Mom Wants for Christmas…

I want no one spending more money just LOTS of cooking & a ride to look @ Christmas lights with not one word of bickering between your sisters! no one gets car sick or complains about the temp. or reads a book instead of looking @ lights & saying Ah h h h.  O & I am not the driver!  I demand many back rubs & foot rubs too! O & we must go to bars too bad [youngest sister] probably does not have a fake ID.  that is my list maybe to go the movies too!  LOL

Christmas Surprise!

Hi dearios,

Please hold open Monday, December 28 at 7:30 p.m.

We are going to see the Nutcracker at Centre in the Square.

I was able to get each of you a small part on stage. You will just be part of the children’s chorus and you can just wear your best dress and flat shoes.

love, Mom

Hip-hop Sweater Vest

i just bought your brother that sweater vest. do not say a word. its very hip hop urban!

Never Too Soon for the Holiday Spirit

Ding ding ding ding ding ding dingy dingy ding ding dingy ding am feeling xmasy already

Can’t Start Her Too Young

Backstory: Hazel is my 19-month-old niece.

We’re giving Hazel a stove/sink kitchen set from Target and if you’re wondering what to get her for Xmas, think about some pots and pans and such. Can’t start her too young on the woman-as-slave notion.


Christmas in DC or Bust!

Backstory: My mother sent this to my father, my brother and sister and me under the subject IMPORTANT: READ NOW. We never have christmas with her family because it’s too insane (hence the weirdness), and my grandmother has like 50 cats (hence the smells). But she’s decided that she will have christmas with them this year, with or without her children and husband.

Morning, everybody. This is the mother speaking. Do not delete.

This year, for the first time in 22 years, I would like Christmas to be in DC. You all know why: [your uncle] will have [your cousins] and of course he wants them to have a fun time with family. I know all of you would rather be here but that’s not the issue. I’m going to DC and I would love to have everybody there, but I don’t want anybody to go who’s going to be acting like a sullen asshole, or constantly complaining, etc. I’m going, please come, but if you come you must be there to participate and have a good time regardless of whatever weirdness or smells you might encounter.

Diabolical Looking Elves

Just started going through the Christmas stuff from Papa’s house. Unless one of you wants any of them, (speak now or forever hold your peace!) I plan to toss the following:

plastic holly with that distinct plastic aroma including a large holly “kissing ball”
diabolical looking scampering plastic elves in the holly
red/white/green crocheted wreaths (for elves to perch on when they’re not scampering?)
enormous K-Mart red velvet bows for instant decorating!

Papa had several strings of clear mini-bulbs which I can use outside (unless someone wants them. I also have strings of multi-colored bulbs from my “old” tree which you are welcome to.) I found this pretty funny, Papa kept the boxes that all the lights came in and since there was no way they’d ever fit back inside, he wrapped the strands around the outside of each box. I can’t decide if that’s inspired or just quirky.

Whatever, Anthropologie!

Backstory: I sent my mom the link to anthropologie’s new Christmas decorations.

I have spent an inordinate amount of time looking at this catalog, thanks.  I’m sure I could have solved all the worlds problems in that amount of time.  It is a marvel of let’s make some shit and put a huge price on it so that people like me will look at it and say “I COULD MAKE THAT!”

Holiday Planning

Backstory: My husband and I both have children from previous marriages, so it’s kind of hard for my mom to keep up with what holidays we will have them.

It is the time of year when those with children need to start trying to figure out who is going to be where when for Thanksgiving and Christmas and Christmas Eve. Those of us who throw the bash need to know how many to plan for so that we can beging buying the necessary ingredients.

(How was that?  Did it sound sort of professional?) :)

Making a List, Checking It Twice

Good morning girls!

Dad has given me 2 things for his Christmas list.

1.  Cordless Drill Driver
2.  12 gauge pump Shotgun – nothing fancy – all purpose for hunting – he’s thinking that when he retires he might go hunting with his son-in-laws.  He also wants to get one before they are outlawed. He thinks that is coming sometime.

So, there you have it so far.

Christmas in October

I ordered a Christmas present for you and had it mailed to the house in your name. Apparently it shipped today, so should be coming soon–so keep an eye on the front porch and DON’T OPEN IT. Don’t shake it, either. Just put it in a closet and WALK AWAY.

Love, Mom