I Found Your New Boyfriend

Backstory: My mom is obsessed with this gay friendly church I used to go to…so they’re opening a new branch in my current neighborhood and she’s… very hopeful.

Did you check out the pictures from Trey’s Wicker Park church launch party? Thought I saw some good looking guys in the pictures! You may know all of them already but you know I’m always on the look for the future love of your life! :)

Hot New Trend: Mink Snuggies at Church

At 9:00, Fr. G decided that since it was a feast day, he’d go all out, had the candelabras lit and incensed the whole place, most significantly the crèche during Offertory. *Cough cough*. He used the nice incense that smells like nutmeg. Msgr. prefers this awful stuff that smells like a urinal cake. Too bad incense doesn’t provide heat because it was about 50 degrees on the altar. As much as possible during the choir mass, I kept my mink on in the loft, one woman suggested I wear it backwards like a Snuggie. She might just have invented the next trend!

in case of emergency call your daddy.

dear daughter,
i will be out of my office and unable to take phone calls until 8 pm as i have another event to attend to at the catholic church in pennsylvania beginning at 5 pm entailing the selling of clothes and fine housewares. thank you for your undersanding and we hope this does not inconvenience you. in case of emergency call your daddy.


How to Not be Bored in Church

I discovered a mindless new game today you might want to try during a boring Mass. I was looking at the book on the altar and noticing that there are tons of words you can make out of the letters in “SACRAMENTARY.” So, here the rules, words must have at least 4 letters, cannot use a plural of the same word but you can use a plural of a 3 letter word (like “car”) to make it 4 letters. See how you do! Love, Mom

We’ve Been Flamingoed

Backstory: The senior high youth group at our church is doing a fund raiser for their national retreat this summer. You can pay to have 15 flamingoes sent to someone, and you have to pay to have them removed.

Mom: We’ve been flamingoed!
Me: … what?
Mom: There are pink flamingos all over the front lawn. It’s a fund raiser for the Gathering.
Me: That’s hysterical! Leave them there!
Mom: I don’t really have a choice at this point.

Interesting Possible Husband Type Man!

Backstory: My mother has taken to spending most of her free time checking out our (my sister’s and my) Facebook profiles. She’s also trying to find me a boyfriend…

Mommie the sleuth is thinking you may have had a date last night according to your friends comments! And along those lines I read in your church email about this gay men spring conference that I’m wondering if you would be interested in going to it! I’d even pay for it if you’d be willing. I don’t know what the conference would be like and if the people attending would be mostly weird or awkward men or MAYBE there would be an interesting possible husband type man! Just always thinking on your behalf! Love you.

ixnay on the “m”-ay

Backstory: I am saving money to leave on a full time mission for my church but my work doesn’t know that I am leaving.  My mother sent an email to my work address asking if I would like to rake leaves for money for my mission fund.  I emailed her back saying sure but didn’t she have german class.  I also told her to ixnay on the “M” word in work emails… this is here smart alec response.

ok your *o* would appreciate it if you could co*e over on saturday during the day and rake and bag leaves.  I dont have to be there…As for ger*an class your aunt and I are going to see a ger*an play at Stratford and to brunch at one of our class*ates.

Love, Mom