Murder. Lol.

Backstory: On the way back from dropping me off at university for the first time, I received this text.

just driven past soham, where ian huntley murdered those 2 girls. lol. love you, mum xxx

Shiny Happy People, Looking for Jobs

Backstory: Like every other college grad, I’m looking for a job.  Thank goodness Mom is there to reassure me of my most important skills.

Hi Sweetie – it doesn’t look like the MediSpa job is posted on Monster or JobNoggin so that’s great news.   The more narrow the circulation the better.

I did see that Noodles is looking for happy “shiny” people.  You are the poster child for shiny. :)

Love you


Sending Good Exam Vibes

Backstory: I’m a college student. It’s finals week.

Vibe, vibe, vibe, vibe, vibe, vibe, vibe, vibe, vibe, vibe, vibe, vibe, vibe, vibe, vibe, vibe, vibe, vibe, vibe, vibe, vibe, vibe, vibe, vibe, etc.


Radical Mom

Backstory: There was recently a protest at my school were 16 kids got arrested for throwing snowballs at cops, so I told my mom about how exciting it was to have riots and such on campus.

Your aunt Linda participated in a lot of riots in the ’60′s.  UWM sounds like maybe they’re over-reacting but I wasn’t there.  I think they should call the wambulance.  That Chancellor makes a ton of $$$$$$$.  Just like all teachers he’s whinning about having his salary reduced when he’s making way too much anyway.  I need to come down and riot with them.
Love and kisses, radical MOM

What Goes Into a College Guy’s Care Package

hey i was thinking of sending your brother a care package. Do you think he would like girl scout cookies, teeth whitening trays and condoms or is that too weird?

The Graduation Speaker: An Evaluation

Backstory: My mom, during my college graduation, regarding the keynote speaker.

Real cute but teeth need whitening.  None the less, id do him if asked nicely.

Suspicious Packages

Me: if the mailman says, i have a big package for you, you should say, thats what he said.
Mom: I do not fraternize with the postal carriers.
Mom: Did you turn in your paper?
Me: i finished it but im afraid to turn it in. everytime i imagine attaching it to an email to [mean professor] i throw up a little.
Mom: Mail her packets of vomit.

Label Police

Backstory: This is one of a handful of times she’s met the long-term boyfriend, on a college visiting weekend, for brunch.

Great to see you this weekend. It’s been bothering me and I did not want to say anything but shouldn’t the Made of Italian Fabric label or what ever it was on D’s great coat sleeve be taken off? Seems someone will make fun of it if you don’t tell him. Maybe I am crazy… Hes a lovely guy. Hugs.

Just Catching Up

just some catchin’ up..

Have you eaten any of the soups?
Who are your 3 closest friends at this point in time down there?
What are your thoughts on UM so far?
How do you feel about people using foul language on Facebook?
Do you think you can find a place somewhere down there for your hair…?
Have you looked into any other events or ministries? Non-profits things, volunteer events, etc?
How is the writing center? What can they provide?
What’s the food you most eat on campus?
When do you find out about the international program??
Did you ever get your surfboard over to Tay’s place?
Do you know why your cat meows SO loud???
Which class do you find most interesting?
How is the literature class coming?
Have you figured out your professors yet-what they are looking for in a test or paper?
Have you spoken with all of your teachers personally?
Have you made any friends in your classes?

OK, enough for now. Would love to hear from you.
Have a great day,

We DID shower and change

Sleeping in one’s clothes is often the best indicator of having a wild night. When we woke up in Chicago, at S’s apt, on Sun, I noted that all of us still had our original clothes on. We DID shower and change before going out but oftentimes I do wonder why we bother packing other clothes for our weekends.

Hot for Teacher

Backstory: This was in response to my telling her that the class sucks but the teacher is cute and young.

Well the cute teacher will make it worth suffering thru the class.  Only 26  ummmmm maybe you can get to know him better.  He will give you a better grade    tee hee.

But You’re So Good with Photoshop

Mom: so now that you’re in college…
Me: Yes…?
Mom: Do you have a fake ID?
Me: What?! No, I don’t mother
Mom: Oh, really? but you’re so good with Photoshop!!!!
Me: Mom. Stop.
Mom: So you really don’t have a fake ID?
Me: Oh lord.

How to Get Good Grades?

me: so now I’m thinking I might have to start sleeping with my professors

mom: Oh, honey. Grades aren’t that important.

me: wow that’s a better response then I expected from you

mom: Unless they are really hot, then go and have fun.

me: and I wouldn’t expect anything less from you

Don’t Just Listen to Dear Abby

Backstory: When my mom dropped me off for my first day at college, she gave me a Dear Abby column about leaving home that she was keeping in her purse. I was slightly underwhelmed.

Mom: I’m sorry about that Dear Abby column. I did think of some better advice: Never have sex in the same room as a pit bull.
Me: ?
Mom: There’s something about it that sets them off. Every time I hear about someone being mauled by a pit bull it involves a prostitute.
Me: Uhhh…thanks?
Mom: Well, I have already told you about all the other ways you could die. If I knew about this and didn’t tell you, I’d feel awful if it really happened.
Me: [silence]
Mom: Also, don’t fall in with a nest of lesbians. Love you!!!!!

God AND Santa are Watching

Backstory: my friend and I went up to visit some of our friends at college about 2 hours away. My mother and I have a very honest relationship and she is NOT at all naive to the things my friends and I do…

Me: Hey sorry i just missed ur call. we just got here but its really loud so i will ttyl! night
Mom: Be safe gods watching
Mom: and Santa too
Me: AHHHAHA ohhh momma! u were young once, u know what its like!
Mom: Just remember God can forgive your sins i can only ground u.


Backstory: I’ve gone back to college & started dating again, at the ripe age of 28. My mom feels the need to encourage me.

me: so one of my classmates/groupmates plays hockey for psu. he got the crap beat out of him in their game last night!
mom: gotta love those hockey boys. they take a licken’ and keep on ticken’
me:he’s a cutie but i think he’s only like 21
mom: that meat is a little young!
me: omg! i just said he was a cutie not that i was planning on hitting that!
mom: yeah right!
me: uh hello i have to work on the project with him until the end of may! after that, maybe…
mom: be gentle…
me: ok this conversation is over!

Timeless College Advice

Backstory: This is the last paragrah in a letter I found that my mom sent me during my first week at college – 13 years ago.

Be careful, lock your car, don’t forget your keys, make your bed, pick up after yourself, hang up those wet towels, watch your money, study hard, and don’t believe a darn thing that some guy tells you!!!

Memorable College Experiences

Yay! Congratulations on your first extermination experience. I am so happy to know that your college years will be filled with memorable times like these. Remember these words of wisdom from your mother……A dead roach is a good roach!

Now about that sponge. This is one of those times I like to say, “what the @&*!” Do you really think Matt is going to wake up and say, “Gee wiz, I think I better go buy a new sponge and go clean that sink.” REALLY? You may feel the cold frosty air of hell freezing over before that happens.

So yes, add rubber gloves to the list along with a gas mask and go attack the bathroom. Thanks for sharing!

Love you,

The Reason Was Imperialism, Obvi

SUNY in the 70′s ditched their name “Colonials” and the newspaper name, “Colonial”.  the newspaper is the pipe dream (of course).  i think you already know this.  And the reason was just that – imperialism.


love, mom

it would have fitted the average toddler

I can see that you have been outbid on a Lacoste Jacket, and have a bid in for a slim skinny jumper.

My money is not yours, so is it really OK, ask yourself?   You have bought on ebay a teeshirt and jacket (the duck one), which would have fitted the average toddler, so it seems to me you are better off going to a clothes shop.  You may live in a consumer capital of the world, but canny consumers can find clothes at the right price, especially in such a capital.  I know you know what you like to wear, and I am glad that you do, but one advantage of being a student is that almost anything is allowed, tattered torn, whatever!

Love, Mom