Backstory: My mother emails me often to ask questions that can easily be answered by going to Google.

Well fine!  If you never want to help me ever again with anything then just tell me!  Maybe GOOGLE put diapers on you and stayed up all night to make sure you were breathing!

HI,
I am writing this on my new hp G60 laptop with wireless and a web cam. so anytime you’re missing me email or call and i’ll get on and you can see me….live! Wow-think of all the nagging I can do in cyberspace. I’ll make sure I’m wearing my lipstick at least-well, clothes too! Ugh-the visual you’re thinking.
ok I’m going to send this now.
reply if you get this please.
love,
mom

Dear Miss Stinkerton,

Just a note to let you know how much I appreciate your offer of advanced computer technology.  As you can see by the date of this reply, I am far behind in reading even my e-mail.  I haven’t read any of my favorite blogs in over a month.  The reason for this is there is a fuckin’ worm on my computer.  I have to close the internet connection and re-open another page 2 or 3 times, just to pay my bills online, because it has slowed everything I try to do to the speed of steam rising off fresh dog shit on a frosty morning.  I am so happy!

How about you help me with that problem, and also setting up my new printer and router instead.  Then we can talk about RSS feeds.  I love you more than gay porn. Gotta go to work now.

Yo Momma

Backstory: My mom and I started fighting when I got frustrated with her THIRD inquiry this week about attaching files to emails. I sent her a message detailing the steps in doing this, and also advised her to start retaining information about the internet, computer, etc. I mentioned that she’d be around for another 50 years and better get used to technology.

You know what, here’s what we’ll do. When you get so frustrated about my computer literacy, just remember how I feel when you can’t remember to make your bed, hang clothes, wipe off the sink, clean the toilet and empty trashcans. I keep telling you to learn how to do that but you don’t because it is not important to you. So I go after you and clean it up. You can show me how to do computer stuff when I need it. It’s all common sense, right, cleaning up after yourself and using the computer? Cleaning is going to be around for the next 100 years and you just can’t say, “I don’t have time to do this, I’ll do it next month.”

When your kids’ friends come over and say your house is a pigsty, (like your brother told Ms. S when he was little), you can remember this little chat we’ve had today and really get a big kick out of it! Cleaning has been around for longer than computers and has proven to be effective in making people happy and keeping them healthy. Cleanliness is a VIRTUE! Windex and 409 are very user friendly and come with instructions.

So pick up a bottle of cleaner and really try it out in several locations. You’ll really like the feeling of being neat and clean once you get used to it. Have a FANTASTIC afternoon. I have to go do the stuff that keeps me distracted, like wait in line for a grumpy 15 year old, pick up Dad’s pants for the third time, get his secretaries flowers for some reason…etc.

Love, Mama

Dearest Children, This is just a reminder that your Mommy loves you. I have also developed a three month strategic plan for my e-mail machine. This month, I will learn how to make paragraphs. Next month, I will learn how to do text messages and IM’s. In February, you will be pleased to know that I plan to go on Facebook and MySpace so that we will all become Friends(BF’s) and Buddies and be able to write on each other’s walls. What fun! I love you and am proud of you all!- GTG Love, Mommy

yeah i looked at photoshop when you were here and its kinda hard for me to figure out.  i have correl draw too which is an awesome program but i have to be honest i dont know how to use it.  i go through the tutorial and learn all kinds of cool stuff to do but by the time i get to the end of the tutorial ive forgotten how to do the stuff i learned at the beginning.