That’s Not How E-mail Works

Mom: is your computer on?
Me: yes, why?
Mom: i’m trying to send you an email and it won’t go through

Computer Emergency

Backstory: My mom frantically called me because her computer was acting “weird.”

Mom: Help! I think I broke my computer!
Me: What happened?
Mom: I don’t know. The screen went black and there’s lines going across it.
Me: What happens when you hit a key or the mouse?
Mom: It goes away but if I leave the room and come back 10 minutes later it comes back! WHAT DID I DO?!?!?
Me: That’s your screen saver
Mom: Well that’s dumb

Google as Mom Replacement

Backstory: My mother emails me often to ask questions that can easily be answered by going to Google.

Well fine!  If you never want to help me ever again with anything then just tell me!  Maybe GOOGLE put diapers on you and stayed up all night to make sure you were breathing!

When to Sit In Your Underwear

Me: I just got a new laptop. It has a webcam built in.
Mom: Why do you need a webcam?
Me: So that I can see and chat with my friends that live far away.
Mom: Just don’t be a weirdo and sit in your underwear when you’re on that thing.
Me: Really mom? What kind of daughter do you think you raised?
Mom: Its something I would do.
Me: OMG. I only sit in my underwear when no one can see me.
Mom: Weirdo


mom: !!sdrawkcab si txet ym
me: excuse me?
my text is backwards?
mom: yyse
me: like something is wrong with your computer? or you are practicing typing backwards?
mom: hpleh
mom: gnorw si tahw wonk t’nod i
rwerd seod ro
closed and now it works.
that was weird.  even my local IT guru didn’t know what to do.

Live Nagging Starts NOW

I am writing this on my new hp G60 laptop with wireless and a web cam. so anytime you’re missing me email or call and i’ll get on and you can see me….live! Wow-think of all the nagging I can do in cyberspace. I’ll make sure I’m wearing my lipstick at least-well, clothes too! Ugh-the visual you’re thinking.
ok I’m going to send this now.
reply if you get this please.

Mom vs. Computer

Dear Miss Stinkerton,

Just a note to let you know how much I appreciate your offer of advanced computer technology.  As you can see by the date of this reply, I am far behind in reading even my e-mail.  I haven’t read any of my favorite blogs in over a month.  The reason for this is there is a fuckin’ worm on my computer.  I have to close the internet connection and re-open another page 2 or 3 times, just to pay my bills online, because it has slowed everything I try to do to the speed of steam rising off fresh dog shit on a frosty morning.  I am so happy!

How about you help me with that problem, and also setting up my new printer and router instead.  Then we can talk about RSS feeds.  I love you more than gay porn. Gotta go to work now.

Yo Momma

Computers vs. Cleaning: Who Wins?

Backstory: My mom and I started fighting when I got frustrated with her THIRD inquiry this week about attaching files to emails. I sent her a message detailing the steps in doing this, and also advised her to start retaining information about the internet, computer, etc. I mentioned that she’d be around for another 50 years and better get used to technology.

You know what, here’s what we’ll do. When you get so frustrated about my computer literacy, just remember how I feel when you can’t remember to make your bed, hang clothes, wipe off the sink, clean the toilet and empty trashcans. I keep telling you to learn how to do that but you don’t because it is not important to you. So I go after you and clean it up. You can show me how to do computer stuff when I need it. It’s all common sense, right, cleaning up after yourself and using the computer? Cleaning is going to be around for the next 100 years and you just can’t say, “I don’t have time to do this, I’ll do it next month.”

When your kids’ friends come over and say your house is a pigsty, (like your brother told Ms. S when he was little), you can remember this little chat we’ve had today and really get a big kick out of it! Cleaning has been around for longer than computers and has proven to be effective in making people happy and keeping them healthy. Cleanliness is a VIRTUE! Windex and 409 are very user friendly and come with instructions.

So pick up a bottle of cleaner and really try it out in several locations. You’ll really like the feeling of being neat and clean once you get used to it. Have a FANTASTIC afternoon. I have to go do the stuff that keeps me distracted, like wait in line for a grumpy 15 year old, pick up Dad’s pants for the third time, get his secretaries flowers for some reason…etc.

Love, Mama

Mom’s Internet Plans

Dearest Children, This is just a reminder that your Mommy loves you. I have also developed a three month strategic plan for my e-mail machine. This month, I will learn how to make paragraphs. Next month, I will learn how to do text messages and IM’s. In February, you will be pleased to know that I plan to go on Facebook and MySpace so that we will all become Friends(BF’s) and Buddies and be able to write on each other’s walls. What fun! I love you and am proud of you all!- GTG Love, Mommy

food that will benefit your EYES!!


Dear son:
Please pay attention to the food that will benefit your EYES!!
Your generation used so much computer and watch TV….catarats will be very common at an early age…
please take care of your eyes NOW!

Photoshop Tutorial

yeah i looked at photoshop when you were here and its kinda hard for me to figure out.  i have correl draw too which is an awesome program but i have to be honest i dont know how to use it.  i go through the tutorial and learn all kinds of cool stuff to do but by the time i get to the end of the tutorial ive forgotten how to do the stuff i learned at the beginning.

Mom Gets Taken For A Ride

Mom: So I finally went a bought a new computer yesterday!

Me: That’s great! What kind?

Mom: I got a Dell laptop. And I also got a wireless mouse.

Me: Oh cool! Wish I had a wireless mouse!

Mom: Yeah, well I need it ’cause I’m going to get a scanner soon.

Me: What? What does a wireless mouse have to do with a photo scanner?

Mom: You know, to scan the photo you have to swipe the lazer from the mouse back and fourth across the picture!

Me: Oh my god, I bet the salesman had a field day with you.

How Microsoft IE is like Sarah Palin

Backstory:  I sent my mom the website

But it now turns out I have something in common with her – no, I’m not the flat tire on your new bike but I do use Microsoft IE as my browser. I’ve never, ever felt like a cyber has-been before but I’m apparently so has-been that I don’t even know why using IE makes me, like, irrelevant.

What’s wrong with me?????


Get me out of here!

Surprise, I am writing you an email.


I am guessing that you are wondering how come I’m doing this — it’s just because I am locked into my computer room and cannot get out.  I was trying to put a door knob on the door and got started, but the thing went completely closed as I was trying to see if it was going to fit — and now here I am having to stoop so low as to write an email to you to see if you could call someone to come get me out.  My phones, of course, are all in the other room. I thought that perhaps you could call Beverly and have her and Howie come over and get me out.  If you happen to have Tami’s number then call her.

Anyhow, can you get me out of here.  I guess I’ll just play games on the computer until someone lets me out of here.  Send me an email to let me know you are doing this for me.

Love, Mom