Mom’s Mind Is Out to Sea

Backstory: My Dad was a Navy Captain and was always out to sea, so Mom got used to writing telegrams.  All her e-mails are one paragraph and include ALL the news fit to print, no matter how diverse the subject.  Her stream-of-consciousness updates always delight me.

Thanks for the stroke material. I was worried too which is why we went straight to emergency yesterday. Dad’s b/p and other responses were good. Did you access Jim’s attachment with all the photos? That place sure does photograph well. The inside, while incredibly charming, needs lots of TLC (e.g. paint, floor refinishing, new appliances). But it really is like a mini-estate. ANd the price is a bargain. I think they paid more plus the new roof but now they have three houses and prefer the latest one. Did you see it? Meanwhile I am laid low with IBS. I started to cook a complicated Chinese meal and then said to hell with it, we’ll have frozen pizza.

Home Cookin’

Mom: did you use butter or oil?
Me: oil
Mom: if the stew tastes bland, add some spices and also add some butter.  My saying is, even shit tastes good if you put butter in it.

How to Make a Match

Hi honey,

1. Do you have the first Barefoot Contessa Cookbook?

2. If a guy from Match wants to talk to me, do I give him my cell phone number or land line? Or what?

Love you!

Dept. of Useless Kitchen Gadgetry

Backstory: My mom is addicted to the Shopping Channel.

Mom: Hey guess what I bought? These gloves that, when you wash a potato while wearing them, they scrub the potato skin off for you! Neat!

Me: Mum, you like potatoes with the skins on. You always go on about how the only healthy part of a potato is the skin.

Mom: OMG you’re right! What have I done!

Boyfriend Will Need Depends

You know, I hooked your dad by being able to cook so well.

Yes, only a fool would think you are not capable of flapjacks….what will he do if you makes those lucious blackberry blondies…pee his pants? Become the Jizz-Master of all time? Maybe he needs Depends or something if you continue to cook for him. :)

Sour Apples

Me: We went apple picking with the boys this weekend. So you’ll have to eat apples when you come up this week.
Mom: I’m not eating any sour ones.
Me: Why would we pick sour ones?
Mom: I don’t know. But I’m not eating any.
Me: There aren’t any sour ones. Why would we buy them if they were sour?
Mom: You know, they have those really tart ones for cooking.
Me: What, do you think I’m going to bake you a pie or something this week?
Mom: Well, no.
Me: So
(no response from Mom for a couple minutes)
Me: Never mind
(still no response)
Me: Mom, I promise not to make you eat any apples.
Mom: Ok. See you Tuesday! Love you!

Urgent Cheesecake Question

how long do you bake cheesecake? 30 mins or 1 1/2 hours?
I need to know in 10 minutes.
if you don’t answer me soon I will call you

How many “F” words did you use?

Hi Pumpkin,

Aunt Phyl called me last night. She & Uncle Randy were in Lebanon cleaning out Helen’s place. Aunt Phyl wanted to know if you want any of the following:

Cup cake tin(s)
Casserole dishes with lids
Pie plates
Deviled egg plate
Stainless steel sandwich maker
Rectangular glass cake pan with lid, and canvas carry holder. You can carry hot or cold items in it.
Cake pans

How many “F” words did you use during the Red Sox game? So sorry to hear they lost.

Daddy told me to tell you he said hi and hope you’re not in jail.


Paging Rachael Ray

Backstory: My mom sent me this in an email after a weekend of not so great cooking.

I have decided to boycott the kitchen for a while since my cooking skills (and level of interest in it) have both disappeared like that stimulas package we were suppose to receive. Between the failed crabmeat au gratin, burnt & greasy fried chicken, over cooked squash, I’m done for a while. Did manage to come thru on the milk gravy but now you know how to fix it. Cans of soup & PB&J all sound just fine to me. See you Friday, mom

Not Momma’s Recipe

Backstory: I made pasta at home today and sent my family a picture of it. I thought it looked good.

Did someone barf on the stove?


ULTIMATE PARTY (meatballs)


I was on the website to look for an appetizer meatball recipe which I had seen in a magazine and I thought it looked good.

It’s called Ultimate party meatballs

2 1-pound bags of frozen pre-cooked cocktail-size meatballs (about64)
1 16-oonce can Ocean Spray jellied cranberry sauce
1 12- ounce bottle Heinz Chili sauce.

Combine cranberry sauce and chili sauce in a saucepan. Cook over medium heat stirring until smooth.
Add meatballs, stir gently to coat. Cook 12-15 minutes. Place in slow cooker to keep warm.

Love and hugs,


Love, Mom