Looking for a Happy Father’s Day
Mom: So, did I tell you that your dad asked if I would sleep him again now that the divorce is final?
Me: Ummm. Did you tell him that ship has sailed?
Mom: Oh, honey, that ship SANK.
Engagement Shoes
Backstory: This is the first email I received from my parents after I told them I was engaged. My mom does not use the computer so my dad sends the emails on her behalf…
Mom wants to know what your shoe size is. She wants to get you a special pair of shoes that help you to lose wt.
Love, Dad
Dadnapping
Mom: did I ever tell you about the time we kidnapped your dad?
Me: no
Mom: well I’m not gonna tell you now either, might incriminate myself
Mom: some other time when nobody’s around
Me: whaat
Mom: I will say this…I never saw your father as scared as he was that night! Hehe
Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired
Backstory: my father made the mistake of asking my mom why she was so tired…
I am tired of picking up laundry that is lying in the hall I am tired of cooking, cleaning, dishwashers, washing machines, dryers and the HELL of laundry in general!
I am tired of steering, looking, pushing the gas pedal, inconsiderate asshole% who drive in the left lane oblivious to the fact that I am driving like a bat out of hell because I am unable to get out of bed any earlier to come to a job I hate.
I am tired of cubicles, people, child abuse, telephones, computers and most of all state government!
I am tired of being fat, thinking about fat, looking fat, diets, calories, exercise, and not fitting into my clothes.
I am tired of dogs, dog hair, dog pee, dog food, dog medicine, dog shi*, and dog walks!
I look forward to sleep, sleep, sleep, the beach, the summer and most of all the WINE!
I Expect You to Lie for Me
Mom: I’m going to kill your father
Me: Don’t tell me these things, that’s premeditated murder, you’re going to get more time in prison for that.
Mom: Right, but you have to understand that I expect you to lie for me on the stand anyway.
In Case of Craigslist Murder
I’m going to pick up a clay cooker from a guy on Craig’s list. Dad was going to come with me; however, he isn’t feeling well so I’ll probably go alone. I’ve done it before but in case the guy, Russ, (details left on desk by the kitchen phone) hacks up my body and feeds me to the ducks, I want you to know that I love you very much. And if it comes to trial, I think Dad should get the $15 back that I’m paying for the clay pot.
Dad is a BFB
Mom: ur dad is a bfb
Me: bfb?
Mom: big fucking baby, duh!
Snuggle Time Coming Right Up
That sounds nice. (great that you are in the art show) I don’t mean to be rude, but I am going to get off this computer and try snuggling with your father. Don’t make snide remarks… If we had never done this stuff – you wouldn’t have been born.
Trapped With Dad and Bro
Backstory: My mom lives with my dad and 17-year-old brother. I asked if we were invited to my cousin’s wedding.
Don’t know. I would guess so. I cant think about such trivia now. . . We are in the process of having another blizzard here. and i am trapped with the 2 whack-nuts for the 4th time in 2.5 months. This is like being pecked to death by a chicken
The Truth Is Out There
Backstory: My dad is the kind of guy that Tivo’s every show about aliens on tv.
Mom: tomorrow dad is on a liquid diet….he’s being probed on thursday…i told him i bet he wishes aliens were doing it
News Update: Colonoscopy Pickup Needed
Backstory: My dad and I have a standing phone call on Sundays.
mom: well I must get going dad having colonoscopy and needs a ride home
me: thanks for sharing!
mom: I suspect they should be calling me anytime
you’re welcome I like to keep you up to date so you’ll have something to talk about on Sundays
Your Dad Is Gross
Your dad is gross: like this is new news to us. He just got back from a long run and was in the laundry room. He bent over to pick something up sweat came out of his sleeve. Did it drip out? Of course not, it squirted out like a grapefruit!! The things you miss while you are away :)
Momsy
How to Weigh Yourself
Mom: Your father weighed himself today and was complaining because he’s up half a pound. I’ve told him he’s only supposed to weigh himself once a week, though.
Me: yeah, otherwise there’s too much variation
Me: I always weigh myself first thing in the morning so I’m lighter.
Mom: You’re supposed to wait until after you poo. He didn’t wait until he’d pooed.
Me: Um
Mom: You get up in the morning, have a cup of tea, poo, and then weigh yourself.
Best Buy Jailbreak
Help, I’m a prisoner in Best Buy and dad has a manila folder and a stack of Consumer Reports
Score a Point for Satan
Backstory: My sister and I were arguing about who owed money to whom. We were NOT upset, but my mother heard about it.
Dad called and I told him that you both were upset over money. He said,”My Gosh, I can’t believe that they would get their feelings hurt over a few dollars. Have they forgotten how blessed they are that they have each other and they have jobs and are not starving.”
You two have allowed money to influence your relationship with each other. Score a point for Satan.
Dad told me to stay out of it.
Love, MOM
Pulling One Over on Dad
Don’t call your father to wish him Happy Birthday! I convinced him it was tomorrow because I forgot. Sigh.
D for Deadbeat
Backstory: I’m going through the process to change my name after marriage, and needed some info on my dad, with whom I don’t speak.
Me: Do you remember Dad’s middle name or initial? I need it for a form and don’t want to email him.
Mom: D
Mom: for Deadbeat
Me: Right.
Mom: J for Jackass
Me: …?
Mom: or Joseph.
What Dad Wants for His Birthday
D,
i asked dad what to get him for his birthday, he said he wanted a steak and a blowjob… i said “should i tell D then?” and he said, “oh…. i will think of something else.” i’ll let you know.. but i think he needs a new hoodie.
love,
mom
Dad Falls Short
Principles of Thomas Jefferson to live by (in part): ‘moderation in all you do’ and ‘do not adjust your crotch in public’. Dad falls short on both accounts.
Lady Gaga Rumors
Daddy says Lady Gaga is a hermaphrodite, Is that true? Mom
