Backstory: My mom’s response to an email I sent about riding my bike to work through central park

Hearing this made Dad very happy. Kind of the equivalent of having you call me to be reminded where to put the mezuzah. Of course, putting up a mezuzah does not put you in the same traffic pattern as two ton trucks.

You are the best.

–

Mom

dad is home!

he’s feeling better

he still hasn’t had a good bowel movement since last wednesday

so he is full of shit :-)

love

mom

XOXO

Backstory: This is the first email I received from my parents after I told them I was engaged. My mom does not use the computer so my dad sends the emails on her behalf…

Mom wants to know what your shoe size is.  She wants to get you a special pair of shoes that help you to lose wt.

Love, Dad

Backstory: my father made the mistake of asking my mom why she was so tired…

I am tired of picking up laundry that is lying in the hall I am tired of cooking, cleaning, dishwashers, washing machines, dryers and the HELL of laundry in general!
I am tired of steering, looking, pushing the gas pedal, inconsiderate asshole% who drive in the left lane oblivious to the fact that I am driving like a bat out of hell because I am unable to get out of bed any earlier to come to a job I hate.
I am tired of cubicles, people, child abuse, telephones, computers and most of all state government!
I am tired of being fat, thinking about fat, looking fat, diets, calories, exercise, and not fitting into my clothes.
I am tired of dogs, dog hair, dog pee, dog food, dog medicine, dog shi*, and dog walks!

I look forward to sleep, sleep, sleep, the beach, the summer and most of all the WINE!

I’m going to pick up a clay cooker from a guy on Craig’s list. Dad was going to come with me; however, he isn’t feeling well so I’ll probably go alone. I’ve done it before but in case the guy, Russ, (details left on desk by the kitchen phone) hacks up my body and feeds me to the ducks, I want you to know that I love you very much. And if it comes to trial, I think Dad should get the $15 back that I’m paying for the clay pot.

That sounds nice. (great that you are in the art show) I don’t mean to be rude, but I am going to get off this computer and try snuggling with your father. Don’t make snide remarks… If we had never done this stuff – you wouldn’t have been born.

Backstory: My mom lives with my dad and 17-year-old brother. I asked if we were invited to my cousin’s wedding.

Don’t know. I would guess so. I cant think about such trivia now. . . We are in the process of having another blizzard here. and i am trapped with the 2 whack-nuts for the 4th time in 2.5 months. This is like being pecked to death by a chicken

Help, I’m a prisoner in Best Buy and dad has a manila folder and a stack of Consumer Reports

Backstory: My sister and I were arguing about who owed money to whom.  We were NOT upset, but my mother heard about it.

Dad called and I told him that you both were upset over money. He said,”My Gosh, I can’t believe that they would get their feelings hurt over a few dollars. Have they forgotten how blessed they are that they have each other and they have jobs and are not starving.”

You two have allowed money to influence your relationship with each other. Score a point for Satan.

Dad told me to stay out of it.

Love, MOM