 |
 |
||||||
 |
 |
 |
|||||
 |
 |
 |
|||||
 |
 |
||||||
 |
 |
||||||
 |
 |
 |
|||||
 |
 |
||||||
 |
 |
||||||
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I’m going to pick up a clay cooker from a guy on Craig’s list. Dad was going to come with me; however, he isn’t feeling well so I’ll probably go alone. I’ve done it before but in case the guy, Russ, (details left on desk by the kitchen phone) hacks up my body and feeds me to the ducks, I want you to know that I love you very much. And if it comes to trial, I think Dad should get the $15 back that I’m paying for the clay pot.
Mom: ur dad is a bfb
Me: bfb?
Mom: big fucking baby, duh!
That sounds nice. (great that you are in the art show) I don’t mean to be rude, but I am going to get off this computer and try snuggling with your father. Don’t make snide remarks… If we had never done this stuff – you wouldn’t have been born.
Backstory: My mom lives with my dad and 17-year-old brother. I asked if we were invited to my cousin’s wedding.
Don’t know. I would guess so. I cant think about such trivia now. . . We are in the process of having another blizzard here. and i am trapped with the 2 whack-nuts for the 4th time in 2.5 months. This is like being pecked to death by a chicken
Backstory: My dad is the kind of guy that Tivo’s every show about aliens on tv.
Mom: tomorrow dad is on a liquid diet….he’s being probed on thursday…i told him i bet he wishes aliens were doing it
Backstory: My dad and I have a standing phone call on Sundays.
mom: well I must get going dad having colonoscopy and needs a ride home
me: thanks for sharing!
mom: I suspect they should be calling me anytime
you’re welcome I like to keep you up to date so you’ll have something to talk about on Sundays
Your dad is gross: like this is new news to us. He just got back from a long run and was in the laundry room. He bent over to pick something up sweat came out of his sleeve. Did it drip out? Of course not, it squirted out like a grapefruit!! The things you miss while you are away :)
Momsy
Mom: Your father weighed himself today and was complaining because he’s up half a pound. I’ve told him he’s only supposed to weigh himself once a week, though.
Me: yeah, otherwise there’s too much variation
Me: I always weigh myself first thing in the morning so I’m lighter.
Mom: You’re supposed to wait until after you poo. He didn’t wait until he’d pooed.
Me: Um
Mom: You get up in the morning, have a cup of tea, poo, and then weigh yourself.
Help, I’m a prisoner in Best Buy and dad has a manila folder and a stack of Consumer Reports
Backstory: My sister and I were arguing about who owed money to whom. We were NOT upset, but my mother heard about it.
Dad called and I told him that you both were upset over money. He said,”My Gosh, I can’t believe that they would get their feelings hurt over a few dollars. Have they forgotten how blessed they are that they have each other and they have jobs and are not starving.”
You two have allowed money to influence your relationship with each other. Score a point for Satan.
Dad told me to stay out of it.
Love, MOM
Don’t call your father to wish him Happy Birthday! I convinced him it was tomorrow because I forgot. Sigh.
Backstory: I’m going through the process to change my name after marriage, and needed some info on my dad, with whom I don’t speak.
Me: Do you remember Dad’s middle name or initial? I need it for a form and don’t want to email him.
Mom: D
Mom: for Deadbeat
Me: Right.
Mom: J for Jackass
Me: …?
Mom: or Joseph.
D,
i asked dad what to get him for his birthday, he said he wanted a steak and a blowjob… i said “should i tell D then?” and he said, “oh…. i will think of something else.” i’ll let you know.. but i think he needs a new hoodie.
love,
mom
Principles of Thomas Jefferson to live by (in part): ‘moderation in all you do’ and ‘do not adjust your crotch in public’. Dad falls short on both accounts.
Daddy says Lady Gaga is a hermaphrodite, Is that true? Mom
Mom: Dad had his “new employee orientation” yesterday and came home with all sorts of goodies
Mom: like decent health insurance
Mom: and a picture frame
Backstory: My other half helped my dad mix/pour concrete Friday night and all day Saturday.
How did J feel after all that physical labour on Saturday? Dad could hardly move Saturday night, but then of course he was just laying on the couch, so when he did get up to go to the bathroom or whatever he was all stiffened up (well not everywhere, that never happens *sad face* ).
Love Mom xoxoxoxox
Mom: Hey dad is just going on a bike ride, should I come over?
Me: Are you sure that is a good idea with that foot of yours?
Mom: YES, oh I see him leaving with NO helmet. What am I going to do with your F-in father?
Mom: want a dog
me: no do you
Mom: i might inherit a french poodle named coal
me: why
Mom: standard
smart
me: i don’t think i’m ok with that
Mom: and he lies down when i tell him too
thats more than dad does
We just picked Daddy’s one and only Zucchini. We’re going to make it for dinner. Look at the size compared to daddy’s foot. Nice pedicure, HUH!!!
Love,
Us
