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Backstory: I’m going through the process to change my name after marriage, and needed some info on my dad, with whom I don’t speak.
Me: Do you remember Dad’s middle name or initial? I need it for a form and don’t want to email him.
Mom: D
Mom: for Deadbeat
Me: Right.
Mom: J for Jackass
Me: …?
Mom: or Joseph.
D,
i asked dad what to get him for his birthday, he said he wanted a steak and a blowjob… i said “should i tell D then?” and he said, “oh…. i will think of something else.” i’ll let you know.. but i think he needs a new hoodie.
love,
mom
Principles of Thomas Jefferson to live by (in part): ‘moderation in all you do’ and ‘do not adjust your crotch in public’. Dad falls short on both accounts.
Daddy says Lady Gaga is a hermaphrodite, Is that true? Mom
Mom: Dad had his “new employee orientation” yesterday and came home with all sorts of goodies
Mom: like decent health insurance
Mom: and a picture frame
Backstory: My other half helped my dad mix/pour concrete Friday night and all day Saturday.
How did J feel after all that physical labour on Saturday? Dad could hardly move Saturday night, but then of course he was just laying on the couch, so when he did get up to go to the bathroom or whatever he was all stiffened up (well not everywhere, that never happens *sad face* ).
Love Mom xoxoxoxox
Mom: Hey dad is just going on a bike ride, should I come over?
Me: Are you sure that is a good idea with that foot of yours?
Mom: YES, oh I see him leaving with NO helmet. What am I going to do with your F-in father?
Mom: want a dog
me: no do you
Mom: i might inherit a french poodle named coal
me: why
Mom: standard
smart
me: i don’t think i’m ok with that
Mom: and he lies down when i tell him too
thats more than dad does
We just picked Daddy’s one and only Zucchini. We’re going to make it for dinner. Look at the size compared to daddy’s foot. Nice pedicure, HUH!!!
Love,
Us
Dad got the OK from the doctor yesterday, everything is perfect and he told him to go enjoy life. Which he already does with drinking and smoking and gambling. Did I miss anything?
Backstory: My dad doesn’t often drink… cb is my brother.
Mom: i am so ahhhhh
Mom: your father just peed in the trash can
Me: HWAT?!
Mom: yeah cb screamed what are you doing and he said ive got to go
Me: why a TRASH CAN?!!
Mom: it was close
Me: so are BATHROOMS
Mom: but it wasnt totally empty
Me: why IN A TRASH CAN WHAT THE HECK
Mom: he said he didnt know what time it was
Me: iosfadsgidfsgjkf what does that have to do with ANYTHING
Mom: too many drinks at los cabos
Me: clearly
Me: wow
Mom: demon rum
Mom: well at least he got up and didnt do it in the chair while he sat there
dear daughter,
i will be out of my office and unable to take phone calls until 8 pm as i have another event to attend to at the catholic church in pennsylvania beginning at 5 pm entailing the selling of clothes and fine housewares. thank you for your undersanding and we hope this does not inconvenience you. in case of emergency call your daddy.
mommy
Backstory: I am having trouble choosing a song for my dad and I to dance to at our wedding. I emailed my mom lyrics to a song I like and this is what she had to say (the song has NOTHING to do with what she wrote).
Dad is telling Chris that if he hurts, leaves, touches, etc to you, then Dad will be two steps behind him hunting him down. :-) :-)
It will be fine. MOM
I would so much appreciate if you called or wrote to Dad for his birthday. And, despite any under the mustache grumbling on his part, I know he would, too.
So far I am thinking of getting him a banana plant. Is that too subtle?
So, after we left you on Friday night, back at the campground I realized I had forgotten to bring along my contact lens case, No problem, because teaspoons will substitute nicely, in an Emergency. Unfortunately, Dad had cereal for breakfast, and ate my left lens. He’s such a fun, alert guy to hang out with!
Mom: You will NEVER believe what your father did last night!!!
Me: Oh Lord, did he fall off the ladder again?!?!
Mom: Hehe! No. He got drunk.
Me: Ok..?
Mom: He got so drunk, he ate a bar of soap.
Me: GROSS!!!
Mom: Yeah, no kidding. It was Irish Spring.
Me: Well is he ok?
Mom: Oh he’s just dandy. The only side effect is that he keeps burping and tasting it. Unfortunately, he’s not burping any bubbles, which is what I really want to see.
Me: Why?
Mom: I think it’d be cool to be married to a walking, talking bubble machine.
Me: You seriously need to redefine your definition of cool woman.
Mom: So do you want me to videotape it for you if it does happen?
Me: duh!
Finally, it’s Friday and Dave went to NY state for a Harley rendezvous, so me and my pal Mikki are gonna have a few drinks. I’d like to invite Johnny Depp but I think he’s unavailable!
Mom: Guess how your dad fixed the TV while I was out of town this weekend.
Me: He bought a new one.
Mom: Predictable, isn’t he?
Me: I CALL THE OLD ONE! Predictable aren’t I?
Mom: I thought you might. Wait to see if he gets the old one fixed.
Me: Why is he getting it fixed if he bought a new one?
Mom: Sweetie. I mean really. It may have something to do with the mating call of the sonybird and the samsung warbler…sort of like the automotiveology religion. Your dad worships at many alters, many of them being electronic.
Sunday is father’s day. Call your dad and say something nice. He saved your life when you were choking around 1987. Thats the only reason I can come up with right now. Other than a “Thanks for the random fertilization and DNA shit.”
Backstory: I am getting married in 20 days, and my Mom is DIYing her little heart out. The current craft is putting together photo frames with the photos from our relatives’ weddings. Mom wanted to use plastic frames, and I told her not to bother, that I’d take care of it. This was her response.
ok, so what would you like? Surely I have more time to futz than you? Give me clear instructions, mein general, and i’m off and running, glue gun in hand.
I was using the glue gun yesterday and your dad about plotzed. “Where did you get that? Did you buy that just for the wedding?” As if. I only bought the paper cutter for the wedding. Your insane mom
