Grandma’s on the Prowl

I keep looking for a boyfriend but they’re so old looking. Besides I’m enjoying my independence!!! I would give it all up if I could have your grandpa back but since that’s not going to happen I’ll only hitch up with some rich old guy who has NO FAMILY , HAS LOTS OF MONEY ,AND ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE AND ONE ON A BANANA PEEL!

Husband Hunting at Barnes & Noble

Backstory: At the ripe old age of 24, my Jewish mother is concerned that I will never meet my nice Jewish husband.. Apparently a visit to Barnes & Noble is exactly what I need.

“How to Shop For A Husband” by Janice Leiberman.
I was told that it is a good read. Might be worth having coffee and reading in the store.

That’s a Really Old Dog

Me: I like a new guy, he has a dog and he might be over 35.
Mom: That’s a really old dog.

Did You Get That From Sex and the City?

Backstory: I was telling my mom about a guy whom I was hoping would ask me on a second date.

Me: So I told him, “Well, I could maybe stop by for a quick drink if you convince me..”
Mom: Oh, that’s good.
Mom: Did you get that from Sex and the City?
Me: What?
Mom: Nevermind.

Does Coffee = Sex?

Backstory: mom is recently single and just scheduled her first date on match.com

PS  Boy emailed me and is going to call at noon and we might go out tonight.  Sooooo

·         It will probably be dinner what should I wear

·         If I invite him in for coffee or a drink will he think we are having sex?

·         I don’t have coffee or the makings, can I say tea?

·         Since it is after work how hard to I have to work on my hair and make up.

A Nice Jewish Girl. Or Boy.

mom: i just saw the prettiest girl at the grocery store today – you’d totally like her
me: mom, i am gay, remember?
mom: does this mean you won’t marry a nice jewish girl?
me:….mom, we’re not jewish.
mom: fine. marry a nice jewish boy then.

They Are Old!

Backstory: A lot of my friends have been dating older men lately and mom wanted to make sure I didn’t follow their lead.

If you meet a man that is 40+ (even at church- HA) please take off your heels and run very fast in the opposite direction….. they may or may not have money. They may  adore you (because you ar fun and 25 years old), but guess what? They are old!  They will be 60 when you are 45 years old.

Love, Mom

The Three Pivotal Questions

Me: You’ll be happy to know that there were 3 more people in my class tonight and two were guys around my age.
Mom: Single? Cute? Straight?

Blind Date (Just as a Friend)

Dont call me crazy but a met a hispanic pastor  that is 28 and I like y to met him when y come to SA I like y to has a blind date just as a friend I like his spirit is in the right place Think about it Im going to Austin on Friday to a church during the day can we have lunch or a coffee?

Urgent New Guy Questions

Is he nice do you like him what does he do do you have a lot in common do you share mutual friends does he text you is he cute

“Free Communication Weekend”

Backstory: My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years. My mom feels he’s an underachiever. My mom feels that even IF he did propose, he wouldn’t be able to give me the life that “I” (read: she) would want. Also, my 30th birthday is in mere days and this to her renders me a lukewarm commodity in the dating sphere.

Mom: Hey, I just heard it’s “free communication weekend” on eHarmony. Just saying…
Me: uh…I’m not single. Isn’t that like false advertising?
Mom: Can you say “it’s complicated” like on Facebook?
Me: Uh… I don’t think so… I think if you’re on that site, it’s pretty much like you’re single and looking for a date.
mom: Well, he said you could start looking if he didn’t propose by June, and next weekend will be July;-)
Me: true… but I have a problem with looking while we’re still together.
Mom: Ok, I just thought “free weekend”.

Today in Mom News: Introducing the New Boyfriend

Here at Postcards some of our favorite entries have been from moms reentering the dating world.  The website momversation asks the excellent question: When should your kids meet your new man? We would love to hear about all your experiences in the comments–both from moms who are dating and the kids who have met new boyfriends. Just think, it couldn’t be much worse than if your mom brought home this guy. [Momversation]

How to Date-Text Your Mom

Backstory: I was on a dinner date and texted my mother while he was in the bathroom.

Me: He is such a good door opener.
Mom: Tati
Me: Tati??
Mom: Yay!!!
Me: Oh
Mom: Bahahahahahaha
Me: Hahahahahahah you are a silly ho
Me: And we are at a fancy restaraunt!!!
Mom: Does he know you’re texting?
Mom: Use your napkin

The Non-Dating Life

Backstory: My father died 12 years ago and my mom never dated after his death.

Thought you would get a kick out of this – I sold a house last October to a young girl – her father talked to me a year or so ago and thought I was a good agent – so they came to me and I helped them – make a long story short – I thought he liked me and he took me out to dinner and lunch a couple times – just very friendly – I like him as a friend – I talked to his daughter tonight who asked me if I had good gaydar – daddy’s gay – I kind of thought he was sort of effenimate – a visiting nurse – but again, to make a long story short – THE ONLY MAN WHO HAS EVER ASKED ME OUT TO LUNCH OR DINNER IS GAY!!!

Glad to Be Grown

Me: Soooo….the boy that I met through Sara…ya know – remember? I’ve been talking to him a little and I think I kinda like him. We’re hanging out next week.
Mom: YAY!  Is ‘hanging out’ a new phrase for going out on a date?
Me: Yeah….. “hanging out” is what guys say now for everything…
Mom: SOOOOO glad I’m not 25!  SOOOOO glad!

Loving Childhood Leads to Dating Losers?

Backstory: Bringing a new guy home for the weekend.  Mom is unsure, considering my long history of questionable companions.

Maybe you should see someone to find out why you think you need to be with loosers.  Does it stem from something from your childhood?   We loved you so much and tried to protect you by not letting you do much, I hope it’s not from that

Truckers Are Like Sailors…

Backstory: My cousin is moving in with a trucker she just met.

let’s just HOPE he is divorced and not just SAYING he is divorced. truckers are like sailors one in every port.

Let Them Eat Saltines

Backstory: I dated brothers, years apart and rather unsuccessfully. When it was clear that things weren’t going to work out with brother #2, my mom consoled me with this gem of advice.

Mom: Let them eat saltiness
Mom: Saltines
Me: What do you mean by let them eat sardines?
Mom: Saltines. White bread crackers
Me: I still am not getting it. What do the saltines represent?
Mom: Let them eat cake was wrong but they need commoner food
Mom:
They need a bland, non exciting, non high maintenance woman. As Marie Antionette said. Let them eat cake. But I changed it.

Second Date Suggestions

Backstory: I went to a Jewish speed dating event and went out with a couple guys as a result, but told my mom I didn’t think I was interested. We had a day-long email debate about whether I should give one of them another chance, and when I finally gave in and said i’d try a second date, she sent me this.

Is there any chance you can go somewhere besides a bar? Where does he live? Would he be interested in the opera? What about a concert? Could you run around the park together?

Is it up to him to propose a venue for the next date?

Have you Googled him? Maybe you can find out something you have in common.

Blind Date Advice

So go out there and make a new friend out of this guy and be open and non-judgmental when it comes to his shoes.  Your outfit sounds absolutely perfect.

XXOO

MA



Love, Mom