Daily Death Update

Backstory: My Mother loves to e-mail my work address with instructions on what to do when she dies. This one was just in the subject bar – nothing in the body of the e-mail.

Subject: no obit for me-please-save the $

We’re Gone For A Day, We Might Die

We’re leaving to go to South Carolina by plane tomorrow and back on Sunday.

Will call when we get back…love you!!!

Mom

PS:  If anything happens to us, coordinate with Aunt Sue and Matt.  Matt and you will split everything 50/50.

Murder. Lol.

Backstory: On the way back from dropping me off at university for the first time, I received this text.

just driven past soham, where ian huntley murdered those 2 girls. lol. love you, mum xxx

Macho Died With Your Father

Mom: I found a box in the attic full of your Dad’s Fields & Streams magazine collection. They are from 1976 through 1981 and surely are worth something, do you want them? Course some of them are missing pages because he would take these on his fishing trips and would pull pages out to use as toilet paper. He was such a macho man (sigh).
Me: Mom, I don’t even know how to respond to this so I’ll just say no thanks.
Mom: What? I thought his machoness was kinda hot.
Me: Trust me, it’s not and no one say’s “macho” anymore.
Mom: So you’re saying machoness died with your father?
Me: Um, ok, I’ll go with that.

Watch out for Spike

Me: When I pick up the cake where should I put it?
Mom: just make room in the freezer in the garage – just watch out for Spike
Me: I’m sorry, Spike the cat?
Mom: yes, he died
Me: he died in the freezer??
Mom: No he died in the yard – but we can’t bury him yet the ground is frozen.
Me: so you put the DEAD CAT in the freezer?
Mom: Oh stop whining – I liked that cat. All we keep in there is sodas and stuff.

A Christmas Poem

Backstory: A few years ago my mom gave my brother and me her living will in our Christmas stockings.  This year she enclosed a poem for us to read on Christmas morning.  This is the first stanza.

If you should come to see me
and surprise! you find me dead
there’ll be a box of important papers
under Mommy’s bed.

We Go On, We Live Life

Backstory: My mom died when I was 14.  Reading this site has made me realize that though I don’t have a mom, I do, at least, have her sister, who sets me (and my brother) straight about as often as a mom would.  She’s currently mad that other, out-of-touch family members have said I haven’t “gotten over” the loss.  Anyway, thank you, Post Cards from Yo Momma, for giving me a glimpse into adult mother/daughter relationships.

I just want you to know that I don’t expect to ever get over my sister’s death, and you will never get over your mother’s death.  For anyone to tell you “get over it” is foolish.  It will always be a significant part of your life, and hopefully, the greatest loss you have to suffer.  We go on, we live life, we remember all the good, and we miss her.  We won’t get over it, but the pain lessens and we can feel blessed she was in our lives at all. To this day, even your uncle says it was the saddest time of his life!

Hugs to both of you and Happy Holidays……

Auntie

It was good to be involved with death?

Went with Pam to watch the Detroit Marathon. James did really well, just missed qualifing for New York by 19 seconds. Pam is so good to include me. 3 people died. It was good to be involved.

Love,
MOM

No Marriage in Heaven

Grandma: I can’t wait to see your grandpa again in heaven someday.
Me: You know grandma, according to the Bible, there is no marriage in heaven.
Grandma: What, so everybody’s a floozy? Even better!

Thoughts on Death

Backstory: I was discussing with my mother how callous my family can be about the death of a loved one.

Mom: That is true. We are ruthless and efficient if nothing else
Me: it’s the German in us
Mom: Yep. Our motto is ” die already. We got better newer versions of you who could use some furniture”

Real Bummer

Your cousin’s fiancee’s grandmother died Sunday. The wedding is still on, but they had to bury the woman immediately to accommodate the wedding couple, and the fiancee is said to be devastated. Real bummer.

I got Botoxed today; I get Titaned tomorrow. Plane tomorrow night.

Have a super rest of vacation.

I miss you!

Texts & Death

Mother: At the ceremony now.

Me: What! You’re texting during a funeral ceremony? You stop that right now.

Mother: Well I was only AT the ceremony not actually IN it.

Who’s Got Dibs on the Glassware & Guns?

Hi girls,
Dad and I are making plans to write a new will…..most things will probably be divided by 3 but some specific items will be mentioned….put in your special requests for our worldly goods now.  Jewelry, glassware,paintings, guns, etc.

MOM

Memorializing Les Paul

it’s okay, someday when you come over, we will have a cocktail and just play les [paul] and mary ford and sing along with them.   first karen carpenter, who used his technique in the most beautiful way, and now les.  oh, boy.

pretty soon we’ll lose marilyn manson.  i simply can’t do this anymore.  love, kisses, and guitar strings…ma.

Making Calls from the Great Beyond

Mom: So L* and I were talking this past Sunday and we both decided that we want to be buried with a fully charged cell phone, just incase we need to phone ahead for reservations to Heaven or if we get lost and require directions…..Or worse yet if we forgot to give our offspring one final bit of info….LOL
Me: Oh lord, you’re going to haunt me from the grave?!
Mom: Only if you dress me funny….
Me: Bahahaha
Mom: I remember what you said @ that hat shop downtown in Chicago…
Me: Which was?
Mom: That I’d be dressed funny if I didn’t behave….
Me: Hehe. well…then you should just behave, huh? ;)
Mom: I behave most of the time, if I don’t I have fun…then I pray and repent….

In Case of Meteor

Backstory: I am a criminal lawyer, and have been since I graduated law school. I got a phone call last week from my mom about preparing a power of attorney.

I asked J to prepare a Springing Power of Attorney for me. That would take effect when a Dr. says I have become incapacitated. Then she could pay my bills, make medical decisions etc. Nothing is wrong with me but just in case the POA would make your lives easier.

When that meteor comes through my roof and I am out of it for three months you will need the POA. LOL

Mom

Spilling the Family Secrets

mom: Yes, you might regret asking me that later so best to probably ask me later – get me drunk.
me: you don’t drink.
mom: Au contraire little one — $20 comedy club was not that long ago . . .
me: i’ll go buy the cheapest wine i can find then i suppose and get you drunk.
then maybe i can find out what that big secret is that you won’t tell me, and you were supposed to tell me before i got married.
mom: . . . get a BIG bottle of cheap wine . . .
or some Vodka collins’s
me: will do.
mom: Maybe I’ll just leave a note attached to my Will . . .
me:rude.
mom: ha ha ha
I’m just putting it off because you might get really pissed and I could not deal with that right now. so, yeah, get me drunk and if you get pissed then maybe I’ll die and I won’t know you are pissed but you will still have all my money so then if you have the money maybe you won’t be so pissed . . .

Time to Leave

Your grandmother called yesterday. With Mother’s Day coming up, she felt lonely for Uncle C. So she took a little framed photo of him out of the box, put it on the dining room table and had a running conversation with him for a week. Mother’s Day night, she told C. that she enjoyed his company but that it was time for him to leave. So she put him back in the box.

I will haunt you!

Backstory: I e-mailed my mom to tell her that after she went into the great beyond, I was going to turn her into a diamond via lifegem.com.

Heh, a diamond eh? The urn treasure chest costs $700. imagine paying that much for a new, little box. Boy the funeral industry is a rip off! So I figured the stone would be around the same amount. I was absolutely astounded that it ranged from $3500 to $2500. that is twenty-five THOUSAND dollars. I am flabbergasted. If you were to do such a foolish thing, I promise you that I will haunt you! lol
Love forever, mommy

How to Break Important News

Mom: Hey Honey
Me: Hey mom, what’s up?
Mom: Do you remember Jake [her uncle]
Me: Ofc
Mom: Well, he died.



Love, Mom