Backstory: I was telling my Mom about how my dog ate a loaf of bread off my kitchen counter.

Mom: Rondy, our old dog, ate my birth control pills, foil and all. Spit out the plastic compact. It was all chewed up. Had to take him to the vet because I thought he was going to die…………embarrassing!
Me: hahaha
Mom: 4 1/2 months before I could get a prescription for more at the Air Force Hospital
Ever wonder why your brothers are 19 months apart?

Mom: May I suggest boots/sturdy shoes for the walk tonight from your car to my front door? Sorry if this offends you, but I don’t want you to lose a pair of shoes. The snow that was there this morning may melt into ice or just freeze in place. Either way, it will be wet. Please place a rawhide in your pocket to leave with me for Archie. I checked my supplies this morning, and that’s all I need. Thanks.
Me: I’ve been wearing snowboots every time I step outside. Thank you for your concern.
Mom: I apologized in advance for my comment. Please remember the rawhide.

Backstory: I bought Mom a yorkie for her birthday two years ago because she had always wanted one. She treats that thing like a child and refuses to go places most of the time if she can’t take Daisy. Now she has decided that it is to cold for her to have to walk around. Its Texas. Not that cold.

Mom: Are you busy besides freezing?
Me: Nope
Mom: Do you want to play on the internet for me?
Me: Sure
Mom: You know those pouch looking things that people carry babies in on their front side, well they make them for dogs too. Can you try finding me 1??
Me: Are you sh*tting me? Why would you want one of those? If you want to carry Daisy, just buy a huge purse. Cuter and cheaper.
Mom: I am afraid it would not hold her more ways than one.
Me: Then put her on a leash :) No way in hell am I contributing to the decline of common sense and allowing the damn yankees to turn to their friends ans say “See Frank, I told you all of those southerners should have died in the civil war!” Damn yankees. :)
Mom: Thanks for the laugh. I will look tomorrow on the neighbors computer. Thanks anyways brat baby.

Me: Where is Lola?
Mom: In bed where all little dogs should be. You get my text about Hooters at four next Saturday?

Mom: want a dog
me: no do you
Mom: i might inherit a french poodle named coal
me: why
Mom: standard
smart
me: i don’t think i’m ok with that
Mom: and he lies down when i tell him too
thats more than dad does

Me: Do you have Twitter yet?
Mom: No. I’m at your brother’s baseball game right now. Is he coming here?
Me: What?
Mom: What is Twitter? I thought you were talking about your dog.
Me: His name isn’t even Twitter. Doesn’t even SOUND like it.
Mom: Oh.

Backstory: my mom tells us things that are not true and then we repeat them and look like idiots. This “weenus” fact was actually told to her by a sixth grader. She believes everyone and everything.
mom: Did you know that your elbow flab is called your “weenus”? How are the boys [our dogs]?
me:That can’t be true. Is that a medical term?
mom: Truth…bodhi [our dog] knows…or he will poop on your head…weenus.

Mom: It’s funny, I leave food out for the dogs all day and they don’t touch it. They wait until I’m there and then they gorge it all down. They’re like, ‘Karen’s home! Time to eat!’

Me: They call you Karen? Doesn’t that bother you?

Mom: Well, they know I’m not their mom. Actually, I’m sure they have some special name for me in dog-language that I don’t understand, but I’m sure it is very respectable.