Terminal Cuteness

Backstory: My mom is a retired psychiatrist and often informally diagnoses those around her.  Sophie and Joey are our dogs and today Joey was the lucky recipient of her diagnostic ability.

Joey was  beside himself with jealousy, trying his best to disrupt the game of tug-of-war between your father and Sophie. Joey suffers from multiple diagnoses, among them: attachment disorder and narcissistic disorder (along with terminal cuteness, of course.)

That’s a Really Old Dog

Me: I like a new guy, he has a dog and he might be over 35.
Mom: That’s a really old dog.

Old Dog Blues

Backstory: Our 14 year old beagle Snickers is nearly blind, deaf, incontinent, and has a slew of age and anxiety related disorders…this email came along with a creepy pic of Snicky staring off into space, looking like she’s thinking about eating your head.

Here’s a pic of Snicky at the Vet for consult to change all her Meds. The long staring into space like  we know her to exhibit are related to decreased cognitive function they say… Or as papa george Says: She Has. The HAMMER.
Snickers would say hi if she could remember who you were!
Love you girls

Ever Wonder Where Your Brothers Came From?

Backstory: I was telling my Mom about how my dog ate a loaf of bread off my kitchen counter.

Mom: Rondy, our old dog, ate my birth control pills, foil and all. Spit out the plastic compact. It was all chewed up. Had to take him to the vet because I thought he was going to die…………embarrassing!
Me: hahaha
Mom: 4 1/2 months before I could get a prescription for more at the Air Force Hospital
Ever wonder why your brothers are 19 months apart?

New Year Shoe Concern

Mom: May I suggest boots/sturdy shoes for the walk tonight from your car to my front door? Sorry if this offends you, but I don’t want you to lose a pair of shoes. The snow that was there this morning may melt into ice or just freeze in place. Either way, it will be wet. Please place a rawhide in your pocket to leave with me for Archie. I checked my supplies this morning, and that’s all I need. Thanks.
Me: I’ve been wearing snowboots every time I step outside. Thank you for your concern.
Mom: I apologized in advance for my comment. Please remember the rawhide.

Christmas is for the Dogs

Backstory: I bought Mom a yorkie for her birthday two years ago because she had always wanted one. She treats that thing like a child and refuses to go places most of the time if she can’t take Daisy. Now she has decided that it is to cold for her to have to walk around. Its Texas. Not that cold.

Mom: Are you busy besides freezing?
Me: Nope
Mom: Do you want to play on the internet for me?
Me: Sure
Mom: You know those pouch looking things that people carry babies in on their front side, well they make them for dogs too. Can you try finding me 1??
Me: Are you sh*tting me? Why would you want one of those? If you want to carry Daisy, just buy a huge purse. Cuter and cheaper.
Mom: I am afraid it would not hold her more ways than one.
Me: Then put her on a leash :) No way in hell am I contributing to the decline of common sense and allowing the damn yankees to turn to their friends ans say “See Frank, I told you all of those southerners should have died in the civil war!” Damn yankees. :)
Mom: Thanks for the laugh. I will look tomorrow on the neighbors computer. Thanks anyways brat baby.

Do All Dogs Go to Hooters?

Me: Where is Lola?
Mom: In bed where all little dogs should be. You get my text about Hooters at four next Saturday?

Bring an Extra Pillow

Are you bringing your dog when you visit this weekend? Make sure you bring an extra pillow for him to get busy with so he doesn’t hump my blankets into shreds this time.

A Horse is a Horse, Except When It’s a Dog

Backstory: Charlie is my mom’s dog.

Yesterday Charlie and I walked into town.  On the way I passed a man with a huge dog.  I commented that he was as big as a horse.  He said he is bigger than some horses, but he is very friendly.  A few minutes later I passed a woman walking a miniature horse down State Street on the sidewalk like it was a dog.  Pretty funny.  You don’t see that every day.

How Poodles Are Better Than Dads

Mom: want a dog
me: no do you
Mom: i might inherit a french poodle named coal
me: why
Mom: standard
me: i don’t think i’m ok with that
Mom: and he lies down when i tell him too
thats more than dad does

Ear Plug Discovery

Maysie just pooped a bunch of clear plastic looking stuff. So it looks like I found your ear plugs. Ha’

Checking Up On the Dogs

Backstory: While dog sitting for a friend, I asked my mom to swing by and check on them while I was at work….

Just told ur dogs 2 go 2 bed. Cherie was sleeping on ur pink pillow. Anje hopped up and started humping her. I left them that way.

Twitter the Dog?

Me: Do you have Twitter yet?
Mom: No. I’m at your brother’s baseball game right now. Is he coming here?
Me: What?
Mom: What is Twitter? I thought you were talking about your dog.
Me: His name isn’t even Twitter. Doesn’t even SOUND like it.
Mom: Oh.

Smarter Than A Sixth Grader

Backstory: my mom tells us things that are not true and then we repeat them and look like idiots. This “weenus” fact was actually told to her by a sixth grader. She believes everyone and everything.
mom: Did you know that your elbow flab is called your “weenus”? How are the boys [our dogs]?
me:That can’t be true. Is that a medical term?
mom: Truth…bodhi [our dog] knows…or he will poop on your head…weenus.

Doggie Prozac Experiment, Part I

This morning I accidently took Spike’s pill. I feel a little light-headed but that’s about it. I wonder how he feels when he takes it. No wonder he just lays on Jared’s bed all day.

Dog Poop Update

I took Rufus for a walk and he pished and pooped, after being home alone all day without a single accident that I could locate!!!!

It’s unfortunate that he peed on the upstairs hall carpet yesterday and pooped on the den rug this morning. Luckily, his morning poop was dry and left no stain. I treated the rug anyway. Nice to have to do when I have to be at work by 8 a.m. !

News From the Dog

G.G. wanted me to tell you that she pooped out a poop in the shape of a C in honor of your birthday. Sorry I didn’t send it out to you – you will just have to take my word for it.

Bye for now

your old Mom

Halloween Goes to the Dogs

The vest to the cowgirl costume for Lily is tight and she hates it. It was XLarge, the biggest this company makes, I might keep it for Ava because her cow costume is also tight. I could return them but the shipping cost to return and then shipping and handling for something else probably wouldn’t be worth it.

Maybe you could find something for Lily in Target. I heard they have halloween costumes for dogs. Wal Mart has costumes too but they all seem to be too small for bigger dogs.

See you Sunday.

Love Mom

Dog Language

Mom: It’s funny, I leave food out for the dogs all day and they don’t touch it. They wait until I’m there and then they gorge it all down. They’re like, ‘Karen’s home! Time to eat!’

Me: They call you Karen? Doesn’t that bother you?

Mom: Well, they know I’m not their mom. Actually, I’m sure they have some special name for me in dog-language that I don’t understand, but I’m sure it is very respectable.

Her biological clock is tick, tick, ticking.

Samantha says she doesn’t want to snuggle.  Says she’s a dog and if you want to snuggle you should be looking for a two legged snuggler.  Says her “mom” would certainly appreciate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Her biological clock is tick, tick, ticking.

See you Saturday.

Love, Mom