Meat Burglars

Backstory: My sausage had disappeared in an otherwise vegetarian household. Mom, new to Facebook, but not at all new to boundary violations, somehow thought this was fit for public consumption.

Daughter’s Status Update: I think someone came into my house and stole my meat.
Mother’s Public Comment: I thought your boyfriend had the meat in the relationship.

Impressed by his Instrument

Mom: Oh dear! Went to see Joshua Bell last Sunday. His Stradivarius he bought for $4 million…
Me: I know, you told me.
Mom: Oh, Alzheimer’s disease!
Me: I think you are impressed by his violin.
Mom: His instrument, you mean?????

Sniffing (Bowling) Balls

Mom: Tim got a new bowling ball, and it actually makes a big difference. He’s been doing better with his new ball.
Me: So, your boyfriend has one old ball and one new ball, and the new ball is better.
Mom: Yeah.
Me: I don’t want to hear about your boyfriends balls.
Mom: And what’s really weird is that his new one smells like grapes.
Me: You can get bowling balls scented?
Mom: Yeah, which I didn’t know either. Then I went around the bowling alley sniffing everyones balls.

It’s So Hot…

Backstory: My mom had posted something on her Facebook account about how hot it is where we live, and this is how she replied to someone agreeing with her.

The squirrels need pot holders to hold their nuts!


At first glance I thought you were concerned about your bowels.

The stool is lovely – great color. I noticed in the lower right of the bottom of the page they have a black version of your mushroom table.

Your home is coming together nicely.

The Main Course

mom: sounds good to me, does he need a birthday dessert??
me: sure, how about a fortune cookie?
mom: i guess only if you are the fortune cookie–hee hee
me: OH MY GOD.
mom: lighten up –jk, jk…………
mom: why is it so gross, you’re not a little fortune cookie??? you could be a dumpling….or tofu
me: um but not a dessert!
mom: oh you’d rather be the main course??

Love, Mom