Aspirational New Year’s Resolutions

Backstory: My New Year’s resolution was to quit smoking.  My mom had apparently had a few which compromised her texting abilities.

Mom: Have you quit smoking!
Me: Pretty much
Mom: Cool.  I have given up drinkin4
Me: Why did you quit!?
Mom: Still dimling.
Mom: Got any cigarettes?

I Take Pride in Staying in the Lines

Mom: Stop watching Sponge Bob, it makes your brain tired. You need to color so you can focus better.
Me: Its entirely too early on a Monday morning to already be this drunk mother.
Mom: I’ll have you know I am not drunk. It was on the news this morning they did a study with 6 year olds and determined that Sponge Bob made their brains tired. Think about how relaxed I am after coloring.
Me: I’m more concerned that you are comparing my brain to that of a 6 year old.
Mom: No you are missing the point. If it makes a 6yr old brain tired, it has to affect a grown up brain too. They just probably couldn’t get any grownups to take the test.
Me: They probably tried to find a group, but they were too busy coloring. I say we do our own study, but turn it into a drinking game. Every time Mr. Crabs says ‘SPONGE BOB!!’ we have to take a drink. When the show is over we have a coloring competition to see who can stay in the lines
Mom: you know I would win, I take pride in staying in the lines

Not That Desperate

Backstory: I recently gave my mother a few mini-bottles of port.

Mum: You know, I can’t open one of the bottles. The cap turns and turns but won’t come off.
Me: Maybe you could make a little hole in it
Mum: What?! And drink it like a baby’s bottle??  I’m not quite that desperate, I’ll have you know.
Me: Ok, ok.
Mum: Nah, what we’re going to do is your dad’s going to hold onto one end, with a set of pliers, and I’ll use another set on the cap to unscrew it. And voila!
Me: Not desperate, huh?

Mother Shuckers

Backstory: Mom goes to the beach every summer with her girlfriends (I call them the Ya-Ya’s). While on this trip, she sends me a picture of all of them in a parking lot, looking like they’d been hitting the bottle for HOURS. I’m not sure what a Mother Shucker is but I’m pretty sure my mother shouldn’t be drinking them.

Mom: Drunk bitches in the parking lot after a few Mother Shuckers
Me: Wow, mom, really?
Mom: Did you notice the full moon?
Me: No i was distracted by the ‘drunk bitches’

How to Solve a Problem, Mom-Style

Backstory: I had missed a call from my mom and texted her back a while later.

Me: Sorry, I was at work

Mom: Nevermind.  I had a problem, but it is gone and so is a bottle of wine. Go figure

Beer’s Nutritional Value

Mom: you and [your boyfriend] need to watch how much you drink when you start back next week
you’re getting too old to overdo it all the time
Me: oh we KNOW.  don’t worry
Mom: how about fewer drinks and higher quality drinking??
just a suggestion
I’m your mother so I’m supposed to say things like that
Me: i don’t drink sh*tty stuff
hahaha no worries
Mom: good, avoid hard stuff
Me: yeah i’ll just drink good beer on my bday
Mom: at least beer has some nutritional value
Me: like what?
Mom: i dunno
maybe I made it up

The Corruption of the Bible Belt

Backstory: My mom moved from the San Francisco area to a tiny town deep in the Bible Belt.

I went to a housewarming party…and the girls are around your age and had jello shots for the very first time…OMG!  they are good!  Just wanted to let you know I’m getting corrupted over here…LOL

Jug o’ Sangria

Backstory: From my mother, who is in Texas taking care of my brother’s kids while they are away.

i am so excited – i just got back from the grocery store -where they also sell beer & wine -  and i found our favorite Re’al San Gria so I bought the 1.5 liter jug and some limes, lemons and oranges – i will get through this 100* texas weather yet!

i am off to school to support *** during his end of year awards ceremony – it better be in ac

Are You Really My Daughter?

Backstory: I wrote an email to my mom telling her I was hungover Monday after staying out late on Superbowl Sunday. I said, “I guess I’m just too old to go out on Sunday nights!”

Too old to go out on Sunday night?   Need 8+ hours of sleep? Exercise?  Eat Healthy?  WHERE IN GOD’S NAME DID I GET YOU??????????  HAHAHA

I’m Still Loopy

Mom: I had ome margarita 5 hours ago and I am still loopy.
Me: One, huh?
Mom: Well I tried to spell it, but I am also tanked on Ambien so goodnight, smart ass.
Mom: A mother on Ambien is altogether different than a mother. With that said, I am retiring to my bedchambers. Unfortunately McSteamy will not be joining.

Snowed in at the Bar

Me: Why are you @ the bar?  Isn’t it snowing?
Mom: I’m here for the nite!
Me: You’re at the bar for the night?  like snowed in?
Mom: havin a burger a brew n a ball – shveaty ball

When You Google Your Kids

Mom: Hey not to sound creepy but I googled your sister
Me: Ummmm…okay
Mom: Have you seen her latest facebook picture?
Me: yeah
Mom: What exactly is she doing?
Me: It’s called a beer bong
Mom: Oh THANK GOD!  I was worried that she might be doing drugs
Me: christ

New Rules for Sunday Dinner

Backstory: We have been eating dinner at my parent’s house every Sunday since my sister and I moved out.

Thanks for the soup recipe K, It sound delicious!
This brings me to the next topic, Sunday dinner.
Lately it exhausts me to cook Sunday dinner, sooooo I have decided that it will become one pot Sunday dinner and everyone will take a turn.  We will have dinners that take only one or two pots to make, like spaghetti, redbeans, soup, stew, etc.  Put your recipe thinking caps on girls and get ready to cook. Next Sunday is J’s turn! K, you get dessert. I get the day off, however I will buy ingredients but you need to get me a list by Saturdays at noon. And I will have the booze. HAhaha
Happy searching
Love, Mom

Best Depression Cures: Food and Wine?

Backstory: I emailed my mom about my suspected seasonal affected disorder in Minnesota winter and how I was having trouble finding a therapist who was taking patients.

Depression seems to run in my family. Both my mom and I have had bouts of it. I was a bit unhappy at the holidays and have managed to pull out of it. Your uncle sent your father a case of merlot, so that always helps me. Is it the job situation? I have ordered a honey baked ham to be sent to your apartment, so keep an eye out. That should help you feel better!

Keep trying to find a therapist.

Best regards,

Booze Face

me: OMG!!! MOM!!! My dermatologist said my pimpleface is from hormones and TOO MUCH BOOZING!!!!

mom: gives a new meaning to booze face.

We DID shower and change

Sleeping in one’s clothes is often the best indicator of having a wild night. When we woke up in Chicago, at S’s apt, on Sun, I noted that all of us still had our original clothes on. We DID shower and change before going out but oftentimes I do wonder why we bother packing other clothes for our weekends.

What’s Up With This Swine Flu??

We can talk tomorrow….sorry I was a little down….I’m sure tomorrow will be better. And what’s up with this swine flu?? It should be the WINE flu and we could all drink to it!!!

xoxo Love you much,

How Dad Enjoys Life

Dad got the OK from the doctor yesterday, everything is perfect and he told him to go enjoy life. Which he already does with drinking and smoking and gambling. Did I miss anything?

You Could Even Pass Out!

You know…food, drink, play…at our house. Did you have something else in mind? You could tell me what you want for food and a birthday dessert and I’d make you bloody marys or whatever. You could pass out and I wouldn’t let anyone take your picture and post it on the internet.

Where Should Dad Pee? In the Trash, Of Course

Backstory: My dad doesn’t often drink… cb is my brother.

Mom: i am so ahhhhh
Mom: your father just peed in the trash can
Me: HWAT?!
Mom: yeah cb screamed what are you doing and he said ive got to go
Me: why a TRASH CAN?!!
Mom: it was close
Me: so are BATHROOMS
Mom: but it wasnt totally empty
Mom: he said he didnt know what time it was
Me: iosfadsgidfsgjkf what does that have to do with ANYTHING
Mom: too many drinks at los cabos
Me: clearly
Me: wow
Mom: demon rum
Mom: well at least he got up and didnt do it in the chair while he sat there

Love, Mom