If Dogs Can Smell It, So Can I

Me: I’m going to try to grub a cigarette from someone.
Mom: No! it could be laced with PCP.  I have to smell it first.
Me: PCP is odorless
Mom: If dogs can smell it, so can I

Heavy Meds

Backstory: I had been worried about a medication I am on for my migraines and emailed my mom about it.

I had looked this up along time ago and if you Google further the med has been successful in treating Migraines.  You have some heavy meds that you take.  Try to sell them ……HAHA just kidding do not, they’ll throw you in the huscow.  Anyway I would prefer that you learn to handle your stress and anxiety through deep breathing and yoga or tai chi.  Bring the medicine home (I’ll take it or sell, I’ll throw a sneaker over the telephone wire)  AGAIN HAHA I am just cracking myself up tonight.  Love you

MOM

Travel Worries: Random Drugs

Backstory: Mum checking up on me on a 4 1/2 hr drive home.

Mum: Are you home yet?
Me: No, stopped in Bathurst by the police
Mum: What for?
Me: Random drugs test
Mum: I told you not to take random drugs!

The Best Way to Enjoy New Music

Backstory: My beloved mom is 80 yrs old. She was asking me about my best friend, who lives in another state & I was telling her that I sent her some CDs.

me: She liked the CDs but one had some music I didn’t listen to before I sent it.
mom: Music today isn’t pretty like it was in my day but what was wrong with it?
me: Four songs by the same band, one is great, the rest were terrible. How can the same band make one good song and three terrible songs and they all sound totally different?
mom: drugs
me: LOL. Maybe if I had some drugs, it would have sounded better.
mom: Well I don’t know what kind of music it is but maybe a little marijuana or cocaine would help you enjoy it more.

We Met in My Uterus

Backstory: My mom sent me this survey where the recipient is supposed to fill out the questionnaire about the sender.

Q: Where did we meet?  A: in my uterus

Q: Take a stab at my middle name: A: Lynn, should have been Kaye but I was too groggy from the drugs they gave me during your birth

Q: Do I smoke? A: You better not.

Q: What’s one of my favorite things to do? A: reading, surfing the web, napping

Q: What’s my favorite type of music?  A: Dave Matthews band,  and I think you like the new version of music, not rapp, but the new stuff

Q: Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules? A: mostly a rule follower, but there is nothing wrong with that

Q: What is my favorite color? A: hmmm.. I know you definitely like white for shirts and I think you are rather fond of black as well.

Q: How many children do I have? A: none yet, but I am hoping for 2 or 3, hint hint

Jonesing for Valium

Backstory: I’m not on valium or any kind of drug.

Hi Honey -

Do you have any extra valium?  And I’m not even kidding!!  I have run out and am in desparate need of some sleep.  I sleep for maybe 4 hours then wake-up and my mind takes off . . . and I can’t get back to sleep. Too many things going on.  I really need 8-9 hours to function well.  I would prefer not to have to go to a doctor here, so I just thought I would ask.  You could mail them to me – 3 day service.

XO
Mom

When You Google Your Kids

Mom: Hey not to sound creepy but I googled your sister
Me: Ummmm…okay
Mom: Have you seen her latest facebook picture?
Me: yeah
Mom: What exactly is she doing?
Me: It’s called a beer bong
Mom: Oh THANK GOD!  I was worried that she might be doing drugs
Me: christ

Taking Nopers

Mom: How’s your knee? Are you taking anything for it?
Me: Nopers
Mom: What are Nopers?
Me: HA!
Mom: Not Kidding…what are they? Illegal?
Me: Nopers is a joking word meaning no, nope, noper and alas, nopers…..not taking anything.

Grammy Was Thrilled.

Your phone accidentally called my office on Saturday afternoon about 5:45 and recorded a conversation you were having with two male friends. Included in this conversation was discussion of Axing Lexie and being stopped by the policy for smoking MJ.

Grammy was thrilled by your call. She is so pleased when you take the time to call her.

I am glad you are getting paid today. Let me know what is going on on the housing front.

Much love,

Mom

Job Opportunities

Me: i should go into pharmaceutical sales
Mom: legally i hope

The Joys of Drugs (and QVC)

Backstory: Mom had a quadruple bi-pass recently and i’ve hurt my knee. We both are on wacky medications to make it all better.

mom: bored, hungry and wacko. The joys of steroids LOL How’s the knee?

me: still in pain. go figure. drugs suck!!!!

mom: yes they do!! Hope it gets better soon. Try to stay off it and let Jeremy wait on you :-)

me: ha! the day i stay off my knee and rest it will be a cold day in hell more than likely.

mom: LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER!!!! SIT ON YOUR ASS AND WATCH MOVIES OR SOMETHING.

me: ok ok after we go to the grocery store

mom: Qvc is having christmas in July all weekend, sit and shop LOL Right now they are showing an hour of sponge bob toys lmaooooo

me: :) dont you dare buy anything!!

mom: hey, I’m have speed buy LOL Already have about 10 things on my wish list. Dad is used to it every year LOL

me: drug enduced qvc shopping never ends well mom!

Pot Smoking: All in the Family

Me: so (aunt) knows i smoke pot?
Mom: probably
Me: i’ve met her once in my life and she is privy to all my illicit habits?
Mom: we all did at that age
Mom: not grandma
Me: oh good, it’s in my blood then
Me: i feel better about it now
Mom: yes for sure

Diagnosis: CRS Syndrome

Me: hi momma
mom: hi daughter
Me: guess what
Mom: what
Me: Chris and i are going to see RENT next wednesday
Mom: RENT makes me cry
Me: why is that
Mom: because it is sad
Me: ur cute.
Mom: have u seen it?
Me: yes… you took me. glad it was memorable
Mom: u are the one who remembers everything…i did drugs in teh 70′s and have CRS (Can’t Remember Shit syndrome)
Me: wow you kill me
Mom: sweetie, i am making light….

Sometimes a Cheeseburger is Just a Cheeseburger

Mom: I have a question for you…I was snooping through your brother’s text messages- he’s been sketchy- is that what y’all say?- lately. Anyways, his troublemaker friend sent him a text that said, “hey, can you get me a cheeseburger?” What does that mean?

Me: Ummm…mom, what do you mean? It probably means “hey, can you get me a cheeseburger?”

Mom: Oh…are you sure? I just thought maybe it could be some sort of hip secret code for some type of drug or something…

How to Deal: Self-Medicate!

Me: I have so much to do.  I have I’m not going to be home from the concert until late tonight, then I have to wake up ealry and pack for the weekend trip.   I am stressed out by all of the things I have to do over the next couple of days.
Mom: You need to just go out today and find someone who can get you a valium and just let everything go and ride along.
Me: are you kidding me?
Mom: just go along for the ride…
Me: are you suggesting that I illegally aquire drugs to self meditate?
Mom: Yes I am.  have fun honey!

Not-So-Subliminal 420 Message

Just saw an ITT Tech school ad. They show the front of the bus. And what bus is this. It is the 420. Someone I think got a joke in there.

Momma After Dentist

Backstory: I sent my mom a link to the youtube everyone is currently obsessed with, “David after dentist”

man, I think they gave him too much medication. I guess that was the point. See you shouldn’t be afraid to go to the dentist. They have legal drugs that make you forget the pain. love ya! mom

Mom’s Recessionista Advice

Don’t do drugs!! You can’t afford them.

You Can’t Handle the Meth

Mom: So what are you doing for New Year’s Eve?

Me: Heading to Cleveland with some friends.

Mom: Are you going to the Flats?

Me: No, probably heading to the Warehouse District.

Mom: Is that in the Flats?

Me: No, it’s in the Warehouse district.

[lingering inactivity]

Mom: Is that where they do the meth parties?

Me: What now?

Mom: Meth Parties. I heard there are all sorts of meth parties up in Cleveland.

Me: No, no meth parties.

Mom: Just promise me you won’t go to any meth parties. You can’t handle meth.

Me: I promise.

A New Drug to Worry About

I just heard on the news that sugar is as addictive as HEROIN!  OMG…also results in food addiction.. You might have to commit me!



Love, Mom