It’s Not Called Mom’s Nipple Book

Backstory: Mom had breast cancer and then subsequent breast reconstruction.  Three years later she finally had the nipple construction and was so excited she posted about it on facebook.

Mom: Did I horrify you?
Me: No lol I already knew. I don’t care. It’s your nipple do with it what you will.
Mom: Yeah but no one wants to see their Mom’s nipple on Facebook.

Meat Burglars

Backstory: My sausage had disappeared in an otherwise vegetarian household. Mom, new to Facebook, but not at all new to boundary violations, somehow thought this was fit for public consumption.

Daughter’s Status Update: I think someone came into my house and stole my meat.
Mother’s Public Comment: I thought your boyfriend had the meat in the relationship.

Facebook Stalking with Mom

Backstory: My brother is heading to college pretty far away and doesn’t know anyone, so of course my Mom and I were gossiping about it.

Mom: I guess he’s been fb a girl from there.  They are meeting on saturday
Me: too cute. I shall have to FB stalk her
Mom: well she hasn’t met him face to face yet.
Me: FB is so creepy. I’ll probably never meet her, but i know her belly button’s pierced
Mom: ohhh gross. I don’t want to know.
Me: haha it’s her belly button, not her crotch
Mom: that will be the next thing i don’t want to know. I gotta go to work.

Mom’s Anti-Texting While Driving PSA

Backstory: These are comments on a pic I took of being at a standstill in traffic trying to get home from work – made by my mother who applies her make up while driving, usually rushing cuz she’s always late and has been known to take out a few mailboxes with her car. The most precious possessions are my kids.

Mom: It’s a cool picture. And I am prepared to help take care of your most beautiful and treasured possessions when you crash and become a prisoner, a vegetable, or an angel.

Me: OMG Ma I was multi-tasking while driving. I learned from the best ;)

Mom: I can’t help it. I love you and I worry.

There Are No Dumb Questions

This might be a dumb question, but on John’s facebook post….
what does FML mean???

A Little Husband-Related Advice

Backstory: My mother in law sent this in an email titled “little advice” after she saw pics of my hubby in my summer photos on facebook.

mom: Sweetheart, if you must take a photo of my baby without a shirt, PLEASE DON’T POST IT.  He looks very big and I worry about him.  Has he gained a lot since last year?  Love, Mom

me: Sure but I guess I will be posting no pics of him then except winter because he is always shirtless in the summer. Also Everyone looks heavier in photos and rest assured he hasn’t put on any weight since last year. He works out religiously and has passed all his check ups. Hope your all well. How are you doing on the quitting smoking? Love, Me

It Is Your Future Network!

Backstory: I assume she’s referring to a photo I took of a mural in NYC where there are kittens engaging in immoral activity (drinking from a beer bong, etc).  I tagged my friends and brother on it and I got this message later that day.

PULEEZE be careful of your language and what you say on FB, baby. It is not only a social network. It is Your Future network! I love you and only interfere when I feel it is absolutely necessary. Mention that to Bren sometime, ok??!!

I Do Not Want to See What You Are Doing

I did not mean to make you a (Facebook) friend, I love you but I do not want to see what you are doing so please unfriend me…. I did the same thing to your brother,  Somebody needs to show me how to do that thing.

“Free Communication Weekend”

Backstory: My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years. My mom feels he’s an underachiever. My mom feels that even IF he did propose, he wouldn’t be able to give me the life that “I” (read: she) would want. Also, my 30th birthday is in mere days and this to her renders me a lukewarm commodity in the dating sphere.

Mom: Hey, I just heard it’s “free communication weekend” on eHarmony. Just saying…
Me: uh…I’m not single. Isn’t that like false advertising?
Mom: Can you say “it’s complicated” like on Facebook?
Me: Uh… I don’t think so… I think if you’re on that site, it’s pretty much like you’re single and looking for a date.
mom: Well, he said you could start looking if he didn’t propose by June, and next weekend will be July;-)
Me: true… but I have a problem with looking while we’re still together.
Mom: Ok, I just thought “free weekend”.

True Online Scrabble Confessions

Backstory: Me and my mom play scrabble on Facebook and she’s borderline obsessed with it.  I went to her house one day to find a dictionary RIGHT BESIDE her laptop.  She tried to say she wasn’t cheating by looking up words, but I guess she couldn’t take the guilt anymore.

I am sorry I used the dictionary.  I won’t any more.  I will probably never win again but I will play fair.  Sorry.  Bad example from your mother.

How to Get Revenge on Facebook

Mom: I don’t like the new layout, can I change it?

Me: No, that’s part of why people like Facebook, you can’t change your page layout.

Mom: But I don’t want other people to be able to edit my profile

Me: What? They can’t.

Mom: Under my picture it says ‘Edit Profile’…it never said that before.

Me: Mom that is because YOU are looking at your profile…go look at mine it won’t say that.

Mom: Whatever, I don’t like it. I want to change it.

Me: Well you can’t.

Mom: Yes I can…I can delete my page.

Me: You’re really stickin’ it to Facebook huh?

Your Roommate’s Deep Level of Depravity

Backstory: My crazy roommate made me cry at work, my mom wrote me this to make me feel better.

You know what?  I do think she is nuts, but, think about it.  God somehow can sift through all of her “stuff” and see the good.  I know that I have never met her, her Facebook Profile is base and full of self absorption, she would make a horrible spouse, she is not a very happy person deep down.  She wants to bring everyone in her circle of influence down to her level of depravity.  If someone joins her in her misery, it somehow absolves her from dealing with her wrong living.
Are you still watching Glee???
Love you,

Growing Up Creepy

Backstory: I received a Facebook message from someone who had been in my 3rd grade class 30 years ago!  I didn’t remember him, so I asked my mom.

OK I remember John Doe. His parents were really creepy.  I think possibly abusive.  He was sent to school one day with either Chicken Pox or mumps.  I think mumps.  Blonde kid who lived in the Elmtree section of Union.  Watch out.  I don’t know if he grew up to be creepy like his parents.  Mom

Time to Put Mom on Limited Profile (Or Stop Smoking)

Backstory: She recently got facebook, but refuses to interact with anyone on facebook itself. She just emails us about the things she sees on facebook.

sending this as an e-mail…not a Facebook comment – which I don’t do.
if you really smoked that cigarette at the Thursday gallery outing, you (B) will depend on M to dole out any inheritance you think you might be getting.  seriously.  She’ll be in charge of all pursestrings.

Good Thinking

Mom: btw, do you have any embarrassing you tube or facebook stuff online
Mom: they google people now
Mom: they especially look at facebook and myspace
Me: nah, all my sex tapes are under a pseudonym
Mom: good thinking

The Photographic Evidence

OK … I tried to send a note on facebook but something was going funky with it.

On the picture of M and B … look in the background … I look horrible!
I look like some hard old alcoholic aunt who smokes, curses, and drinks too much! Why didn’t you tell me I looked so bad? When I saw “me” in the picture I actually blanched … blah!!
Now I’m really depressed.

The Facebook Generational Conflict

Okay, [Grandmother] just “friended” me on FB and I’m not happy about it–confirmed with a disclaimer that my stuff will probably upset her.

So, I realized if I feel this way it would be similar for you all, so no friend request will be coming from me.  The other weird thing is I just posted this youtube video on my wall this morning before I got her request.  SOOOOO WEIRD!!!!

This is a very strange day….

Learning the Ways of Facebook: Friends and Farmville

It’s mom here!  Cindy got me on facebook and it said that you have two new friends! I’m so glad you have friends.  Also I think my cows are exploding?? Can you send me a milk machine??
Love, Mom

Maybe a Problem With Facebook

Backstory: I’m 39 years old and the mother of two.  This message was sent via Facebook about my profile as my mom sees it.

hey your home page is showing your cell phone number, your facebook number (ummm, what?), the fact that you live in _______ (which I don’t) , and you work for the ___________ (which it doesn’t), where you went to school, etc, the whole thing is on there, this could be dangerous if the wrong person got that info, i checked my home page and all it is people who i know and are sending me facebook emails, it looks like the info on your profile has maybe shown up on your home page, just thought i would let you know that it is still on there for all to see i cant even see when you are on facebook i dont know if anyone else can maybe a problem with facebook, so much for their privacy thing love you

The Etiquette of Unfriending

Mom: What happens if you unfriend someone on Facebook?  Do they know it was you?  I signed on a number of people from work because I didn’t know what I was doing but really don’t need them on my Facebook.  I can always ask them things at work or send an email if I want.
Me: I think they just drop off. No notice is sent to them. If you want, unfriend me and I’ll let you know if anything happens. =)
Mom: You won’t get mad and not take me back??
Me: I promise to refriend you. You’re stuck with me for life. =)

Love, Mom