I just looked on my facebook page and m has put a question about what color panties I am wearing……. Major WTF and also if you would like to have sex with me Double MAJOR WTF. Does she put stuff like that everywhere????

How to Mind Everyone Else’s Business

Backstory: My mother doesn’t want to set up a facebook account, because she doesn’t want anyone “knowing her business.”  She, however, wants to know everyone else’s business.

Could you discreetly check B’s Facebook page to see if the baby was born and how she’s doing….

Facebook Hoes?

Me: There was something I forgot to tell you earlier and now I can’t remember at all…
Mom: about the party? money?  Facebook hoes ?

Dr. Seuss Meets M&M

Backstory: I was on Facebook and answered a questionnaire about some of my friends. One was “would your mom be a good rapper” and i wrote “sure.” Lo and behold she responded to my answer with a rap. She now raps on a daily basis and finds herself to be a lyrical genius.

My name is Dona
And I’ll rap here cause I wanna
set down my rhymes for you
I’ll make some time for you
got time to kill
playing farmville
I got no mo to prove

As you can see–my style here is Dr. Seuss meets M&M (or Dr. Seuss eating M&M’s–you choose.

“D bubble” gotta go to work:)

Reminder: We Are Not Your Friends

While sorting through Daddy’s e-mails, I see that you have befriended him on Facespace! I keep having to remind you that we are your parents and not your friends. Love, Mom

I Don’t Want to See Any of That

Me: you have a facebook?
Mom: Yes! I need one, but don’t worry. I don’t want to be friends with you or your brother. I don’t want to see any of that.

Expensive Homemade Cupcakes

Backstory: My mother is completely obsessed with Facebook, and will spend hours every evening on the computer. This was the night before her birthday.

Mom: I’m waiting for my cupcakes to be done so I can go to bed.
Me: You made cupcakes?
Mom: Yeah, and after all the money I paid for them I don’t want them to burn.
Me: Wait, you made your own birthday cupcakes? You baked?
Mom: No, on Yoville. I’m sitting at the computer waiting for them to finish – oh there, they’re done. NIGHT!

When You Google Your Kids

Mom: Hey not to sound creepy but I googled your sister
Me: Ummmm…okay
Mom: Have you seen her latest facebook picture?
Me: yeah
Mom: What exactly is she doing?
Me: It’s called a beer bong
Mom: Oh THANK GOD!  I was worried that she might be doing drugs
Me: christ

Emoticon Confusion

Backstory: Mom is very confused by the things my 13-year-old cousin posts on Facebook.

Am I crazy or does this look like an inappropriate emoticon            <333
It looks inappropriate to me, but what do I know?  I’m an old lady.

Jort Alert

Backstory: After having to explain to my Spanish boyfriend what ‘jorts’ are, he decided to find the best example he could and post a picture on facebook. This is my mom’s reaction after seeing it.

your mother loves you and that jort picture is amazing… i never want to hear any comments about my hulk hogan culottes again.

Catnip Munchies

Backstory: I am upstairs in my bedroom, and my mom is downstairs and decides to message me over Facebook…
Mom: Get down here and check out your cat. He’s dragging the treat bag around trying to get into it.
Mom: Just take it away from him and tell him to stop being stupid.
Mom: He keeps dragging it off the table.
Me: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh
Mom: I think he’s looking for munchies. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do when you’re high?

No Kind Words for an Ex-Fiance

Backstory: My ex-fiance had a baby, and I sent my mom facebook pictures of the baby and the wife.

The baby is ugly and so is she.

Procrastination is Like Masturbation

Backstory: I was griping about getting information 3rd hand from across state lines.

You know this is why we always end up being in control.  We can’t stand for someone else to not ask all the right questions.

I saw a quote on facebook.  It said “Procrastination is like masturbation.  It feels good while you’re doing it but afterwards you realize you just f*$%!!! yourself.”  I thought it was wonderfully funny and so very appropriate.  (By the way, I realize this has nothing to do with the subject at hand but I wanted to share it with you.)
Love, Mom

Pretty Facebook Pics Only, Please

Backstory: this was the only line in the email – not in any way a p.s.

ps I hate the picture you have for your facebook profile pic. Pick the one by the tree in europe. its very pretty.

Pop’s Lost His Damn Mind!

Mom: OMG, Pop is on facebook!
Me: Shut Up! Why?
Mom: Who the fuck knows, he’s lost his damn mind!
Mom: I am NOT asking him to be my friend!

Learning New Words

Backstory: I discovered that my mother had been facebook-stalking some of my younger brother’s friends.  These guys had been quoting items from the website

Mom: I have a question

Me: ok

Mom: I have been reading these quotes on facebook that ur brother’s friends keep posting

Me: ok

Mom: they are so random

Mom: one of them says something about a queef.  what is a queef?

Me: Mom, it’s kind of vulgar

Me: It’s the sound of air escaping from a woman’s vagina

Mom: Oh.  Who writes that on facebook?

Your Moral Character is Your Problem Now

Backstory: Along with freelance writing, I’m doing promotional work for a local burlesque troupe, which includes plugs on Facebook. Until today my mother and I were friends there.

How are things going? I see you are keeping busy — along with the
Al-Anon meetings and writing for Erin you are advertising for a strip joint — talk about one end of the moral spectrum to the other — oh well you are almost 31! I can’t do anything about your moral character now.

Don’t worry, it’s a MILD tranquilizer

Here’s a mild tranquilizer in case you can’t fall asleep. I don’t want you to get into a habit, but I know you need to get up early tomorrow.

Don’t get high on it and start photoshopping at 3am!

Love, Mom

No Cougars or Ugly Daughters, Please

Backstory: I sent my mom some photos from college just to let her know I survived through the party weekend before finals. My facebook photo she references was of me wearing a leopard print shirt (that wasn’t revealing at all).

What a good looking group of friends!!

Miss you.  Where did you get the top for the facebook photo?  Just me but animal prints always seem shady or cougar like….You still look beautiful….have not changed in two weeks….hope you look the same when you get home….I could not stand having an ugly daughter…yes, I am that superficial…..dodged another bullet….I guess then we could have gotten you plastic surgery.



She needs to twitter this crap.

OK, since I’m now a friend with Anna, do I have to read every random thought and minute action she takes during the day every time I open my account? How tedious. She needs to twitter this crap. Tell me how I can avoid this, if it’s possible.

Love, Mom