Goiters and Such

Hi children – Some good news, and sorry to say some bad news:  Grandma from Florida had more stents today.  I was told everything went well.  Aunt Rhoda is going to a doctor today to have her nodules checked on her goiter.  Your cousin Justine was put in a mental hospital.  I just heard she had a nervous breakdown because Dave told her he doesn’t love her any more, and he has another girlfriend.  She was begging him to take her back. Grandpa Morty probably has to go to a nursing home because he keeps falling.
Love you both.

How Cousin J Broke His Penis

me: we were talking about crazy families today so of course ours came up…
me: i said how [my cousin] J broke his penis.. he broke it having sex, correct?
mom: do not know…but I assume so
mom: I did not get specifics…thank god!
mom: he has a bit of a drinking problem…perhaps he missed his aim
me: hahahaha mom!
mom: I’m just saying…..

Trapped With Dad and Bro

Backstory: My mom lives with my dad and 17-year-old brother. I asked if we were invited to my cousin’s wedding.

Don’t know. I would guess so. I cant think about such trivia now. . . We are in the process of having another blizzard here. and i am trapped with the 2 whack-nuts for the 4th time in 2.5 months. This is like being pecked to death by a chicken

Supper Club

Backstory: I had asked what was for dinner.

Well, I paid for steak which we did not eat last night and I will not be here tomorrow because I have a meeting at 5:30..Then, I also bought a pork roast, which I had tapped for Wed. Plus, there are turkey sausages for turkey lasagna…Then, I have another meeting Friday… When would you be here tonight? Plus, I am ordering Christmas gifts and planning when to buy the donations for the giving tre…And I have not even bought anything for you ,daddy, etc….When would you arrive? Tonight is the football game.

Christmas in DC or Bust!

Backstory: My mother sent this to my father, my brother and sister and me under the subject IMPORTANT: READ NOW. We never have christmas with her family because it’s too insane (hence the weirdness), and my grandmother has like 50 cats (hence the smells). But she’s decided that she will have christmas with them this year, with or without her children and husband.

Morning, everybody. This is the mother speaking. Do not delete.

This year, for the first time in 22 years, I would like Christmas to be in DC. You all know why: [your uncle] will have [your cousins] and of course he wants them to have a fun time with family. I know all of you would rather be here but that’s not the issue. I’m going to DC and I would love to have everybody there, but I don’t want anybody to go who’s going to be acting like a sullen asshole, or constantly complaining, etc. I’m going, please come, but if you come you must be there to participate and have a good time regardless of whatever weirdness or smells you might encounter.

Holiday Planning

Backstory: My husband and I both have children from previous marriages, so it’s kind of hard for my mom to keep up with what holidays we will have them.

It is the time of year when those with children need to start trying to figure out who is going to be where when for Thanksgiving and Christmas and Christmas Eve. Those of us who throw the bash need to know how many to plan for so that we can beging buying the necessary ingredients.

(How was that?  Did it sound sort of professional?) :)

New Rules for Sunday Dinner

Backstory: We have been eating dinner at my parent’s house every Sunday since my sister and I moved out.

Thanks for the soup recipe K, It sound delicious!
This brings me to the next topic, Sunday dinner.
Lately it exhausts me to cook Sunday dinner, sooooo I have decided that it will become one pot Sunday dinner and everyone will take a turn.  We will have dinners that take only one or two pots to make, like spaghetti, redbeans, soup, stew, etc.  Put your recipe thinking caps on girls and get ready to cook. Next Sunday is J’s turn! K, you get dessert. I get the day off, however I will buy ingredients but you need to get me a list by Saturdays at noon. And I will have the booze. HAhaha
Happy searching
Love, Mom

Thoughts on Death

Backstory: I was discussing with my mother how callous my family can be about the death of a loved one.

Mom: That is true. We are ruthless and efficient if nothing else
Me: it’s the German in us
Mom: Yep. Our motto is ” die already. We got better newer versions of you who could use some furniture”

Pot Smoking: All in the Family

Me: so (aunt) knows i smoke pot?
Mom: probably
Me: i’ve met her once in my life and she is privy to all my illicit habits?
Mom: we all did at that age
Mom: not grandma
Me: oh good, it’s in my blood then
Me: i feel better about it now
Mom: yes for sure

Happy Fourth of July! Bring Your Own Bail Money.

Backstory: Fireworks are illegal in Maryland where the party is being held, but that doesn’t stop Lloyd, my mom’s 50-something year old cousin, and his quite illegal holiday party.

Gma called this morning to say that we all (including your boyfriends) had been invited to Lloyd’s 4th of July party. I asked if she wanted to go and she said no, it was a bring your own bail money party.  he has tons of fireworks, is building a float to set them off from and a foot bridge over the cove.  It is being catered by a ribs place and another place is doing the salads.  So, if you want to come to MD to come to this party, y’all just let me know!

Time to Leave

Your grandmother called yesterday. With Mother’s Day coming up, she felt lonely for Uncle C. So she took a little framed photo of him out of the box, put it on the dining room table and had a running conversation with him for a week. Mother’s Day night, she told C. that she enjoyed his company but that it was time for him to leave. So she put him back in the box.

We Won the Prize

Backstory: my husband and I were on vacation in europe and my mom emailed every day with family updates.  g is my niece, p is my sister in law.

last nite g was running around the back yard in diapers only.and her fungi shopping cart………..she picked up something that stuck to her hand . p said from the deck while i was smoking……………drop it gianna……..but it stuck to her hand ……………….guess what it was………………………………………………………dog poop……………..we won the trailer park family prize………..love mom

How to Break Important News

Mom: Hey Honey
Me: Hey mom, what’s up?
Mom: Do you remember Jake [her uncle]
Me: Ofc
Mom: Well, he died.

Resentful Momma Real Talk

mom: cynic

me: inherited

mom: bitch.

me: also inherited

mom: yeah, from your aunt molly!

me: mom aunt molly died of cancer

mom: oh. well, I am going to go take a nap honey, xoxo!

To Pee or Not to Pee

Mom was preparing us for our Christmas visit. My husband found this hilarious (instead of gross): just more proof that he’s a keeper…

Last (AND least), I want all of you to be aware of a few “household habits” we’ve developed because I’m sure they’ll be apparent & I want to prepare you: so better admit this to your men-folk too. Because Daddy can’t walk much, and because we don’t have a bathroom on the main floor, I’ve been letting Daddy (as if I could stop him!) pee into a small bucket in the kitchen & pour it down the sink. He’s not exactly shy, but thank goodness he won’t do this if anyone is around in the kitchen, so if you ever notice the kitchen doors closed, please know not to come in. If this grosses anyone out, get OVER it or reach for the Lysol in the cabinet.

Don’t All Jump at Once

Having spent three hours this afternoon in Papa’s unheated house while waiting for the furnace to be repaired, I had plenty of time to take inventory of the treasures I want to offer to you girls. Up for grabs are the following:

One wooden plaque of a Conestoga wagon (Daddy said this was in his boyhood bedroom)
Two very creepy CLOWN woodcuts
Three mirrored bathroom pictures depicting WHIMSICAL cartoon children in the bathtub and sitting on the toilet!
A modernistic oil painting depicting a French street featuring a woman with an enormous ass in the foreground
A large Motel-Art Style oil painting of a Sicilian fishing village
A Venetian glass clown (goes beautifully with the woodcuts)
Several “Fummels”

Plenty more, too numerous to mention. Please let me know if I should label any of the above for your future use, no fighting please!


Valentine’s Day: A Day for Family

I wanted to ask you if you have any plans or plan to have plans on February 14 (VD). I was telling Tom that I have off for that whole week, and because I can’t really plan an entire family vacation, maybe we could come over and see you that night!

Getting Into the Christmas Spirit

Well, it just wouldn’t be Christmas without Aunt Sue either taking “shots” or criticizing people…..spread the joy!!!

Another Hallmark Thanksgiving

Hi Sweetie,
Yes, Thanksgiving was memorable. Jimmy wore his finest sweatpants and announced he was no longer giving birthday or holiday gifts or cards to anyone. He had little stubs of used candles on his table. They couldn’t have been more than 3/4 of an inch tall. When someone asked about them he replied, “Well, I thought I could probably get one more dinner out of them.” So much for graciousness. We brought the dinner. His part was preparing a vegetable. Of course to go with the Thanksgiving theme he chose Oriental vegetables in a lovely flavored sauce that positively bounced off your tongue it was so strong. Then he combined asparagus and squash which resulted in the squash being over cooked and the asparagus too tough to chew. It was a culinary delight. His niece also announced that they were not exchanging gifts but not to fret for we would all receive pictures of their children. Honestly, I can hardly wait. So there you have it, another Hallmark Thanksgiving.

Did I Miss Someone?

so when are you coming home?  Dad has tomorrow off ….he is going to go grocery shopping but you can come whenever and start making rolls – or we can do that tomorrow nite…I’m excited tooo – I love our family – and you and em and jack and dad and jill and papa and harriett, and karen and franco and indira and cairo and vicky and paul and kate and …who else???? did I miss some one – oprah??

Love, Mom