Cold Turkey

Backstory: My brother John is a chef and frequently admonishes my mother about the dangers of bacterial spread in food left out on the counter.

I just made the most delicious enchiladas I’ve  ever eaten!
Ground turkey with seasonings, enchilada sauce,  black beans, white corn, vegetarian refried beans, a sprinkle of cheddar, and sauteed red and green jalapenos, in a whole wheat tortilla with lettuce…….heavenly!!!

However if daddy and I die from eating them (ground turkey thawed on the counter ALL DAY) please give John permission to speak at my funeral and say that he told me SO.

Veganism=Meat Fast

Backstory: I asked my mom what she thought about me becoming vegan.

Sounds good! Kind of like a meat fast, huh? Just don’t be a freak about it.

What’s Coffee Without Cream Like?

I’m trying to do coffee w/out cream & artificial sweetner and it’s like toast w/out butter or sex w/out penis…

Dessert Psychological Warfare

So, I just made brownies and they came out as thin as pancakes! When I serve them tomorrow night, say, “Oh. you made miniature chocolate bites! I love them!”. They taste good and, if you don’t think of them as brownies, they’re fine!
aka crazy lady

Powdered Milk Will Rot Your Body

Mom: maybe i just wont come then
Me: no crackers either
Mom: powdered creamer?
Me: yeah
Mom: do not use that crap ever
you stay away from that
is so so so bad for you
rot your body
Me: i dont use it ever
Mom: no coffee
Me: i have soy milk
Mom: omg
i am upset now
double ugh

Can’t Clean Without the Queen

Hi honey,
Well we need to go shopping for a new Aretha cd. To get myself in the cleaning mode, I always put her on and now she skips. How do I clean without the queen?

Got us crab legs and sparking wine for dinner tomorrow nite. mmmm

See you in the am.

love, love

Supper Club

Backstory: I had asked what was for dinner.

Well, I paid for steak which we did not eat last night and I will not be here tomorrow because I have a meeting at 5:30..Then, I also bought a pork roast, which I had tapped for Wed. Plus, there are turkey sausages for turkey lasagna…Then, I have another meeting Friday… When would you be here tonight? Plus, I am ordering Christmas gifts and planning when to buy the donations for the giving tre…And I have not even bought anything for you ,daddy, etc….When would you arrive? Tonight is the football game.

The Cupboard is Always Bare

Backstory: My mother is notorious for never having any edible food in her house. We’re not sure how she survives.

Me: i’ll come over but i bet you don’t even have anything for breakfast
Mom: I do too! I have lots of food!
Me: Yeah?
Mom: I have an egg
Mom: I have brownies!
Me: Really? I’ll eat brownies for breakfast no prob
Mom: Oh, they’re not made, it’s a mix.
Mom: And it calls for two eggs, oops. Maybe you should eat before you get here.
Me: I have no idea how I lived to adulthood in your care.

Time for Dinner

Mom: Do you want to have dinner at V’s or just grab something quick?
Me: Tonight? I am eating right now.
Mom: Oops, wrong kid.
Me: I figured it was something like that.
Mom: Good thing I’m not Jon/Kate plus 8

New Rules for Sunday Dinner

Backstory: We have been eating dinner at my parent’s house every Sunday since my sister and I moved out.

Thanks for the soup recipe K, It sound delicious!
This brings me to the next topic, Sunday dinner.
Lately it exhausts me to cook Sunday dinner, sooooo I have decided that it will become one pot Sunday dinner and everyone will take a turn.  We will have dinners that take only one or two pots to make, like spaghetti, redbeans, soup, stew, etc.  Put your recipe thinking caps on girls and get ready to cook. Next Sunday is J’s turn! K, you get dessert. I get the day off, however I will buy ingredients but you need to get me a list by Saturdays at noon. And I will have the booze. HAhaha
Happy searching
Love, Mom

Skinny Bitch=Great Pooping

Backstory: my mom and i have been sharing our experiences trying recipes from the “Skinny Bitch in the Kitch” cookbook.
(lyvm = love you very much)

Have a really wonderful day! I’m planning on it and feeling good.

BTW–eating word for the day–lentils!  I learned to make this French Lentil salad from the SBintheKitch book–delicious, great pooping, and I lost weight!


Cracker Barrel Chicken Capers

I had an experience yesterday that has me thinking of becoming a vegetarian.  Cracker Barrel served me raw chicken and I mean raw.  I had eaten half of it before I noticed and I can think about it now and almost get sick.  The manager said they push a timer when they fry food and that they had pushed the wrong timer.  Your daddy wanted me to throw up, but I’m not good at that.  I’m waiting for my friend e-coli or salmonella to hit.

Dad’s Zucchini (Not a Euphemism)

dad's zucchini We just picked Daddy’s one and only Zucchini.  We’re going to make it for dinner.  Look at the size compared to daddy’s foot.  Nice pedicure, HUH!!!



so which one of you temptresses left an ice cream cake in the freezer.   my dilemma:   coffee vs. ice cream for breakfast.     demon children!!!!!


Kitchen Kapers

Okay, so I’m standing in front of the counter here where we keep the coffee pot, fridge and microwave, warming up some coffee and eating some cherries, and a cherry pit drops out of my mouth, onto the floor, in between the wall and the fridge. There’s not enough room for me to stick my hand in there to get it, so I go get my ruler. I stick the ruler down there and I’m swatting around the pit disappears under the fridge. So, I start thinking gee,it might attract bugs, so I get down on the floor on my stomach with the ruler, and I let out this huge fart, and I burst out laughing and spit all over the wall, and I never did find the pit.

You Are Keeping Yourself Occupied, but Not Regular

Your neurotic mother is concerned about your bowels. Granola bars and a roll for4 days is not adequate. Can’t you find any fruit? Please, at least get some juice. Of course, I would be happy if you got in a little protein. Isn’t there a market where you cold get some wonderful bread and ham? Do you have a kitchen in your flat? Take a little red pill if you need.

Are you sleeping? Are you over your jet lag?

I’ll call you this w/e. Just let me know when it would be best. Sounds like you are keeping yourself occupied. Buy yourself a ganga deal. You deserve it.

Love you,

Paging Rachael Ray

Backstory: My mom sent me this in an email after a weekend of not so great cooking.

I have decided to boycott the kitchen for a while since my cooking skills (and level of interest in it) have both disappeared like that stimulas package we were suppose to receive. Between the failed crabmeat au gratin, burnt & greasy fried chicken, over cooked squash, I’m done for a while. Did manage to come thru on the milk gravy but now you know how to fix it. Cans of soup & PB&J all sound just fine to me. See you Friday, mom

Preparing Meals for the Grandson

Backstory: Here’s what happens when you do provide a grandchild, and then agree to leave that small person with your parents for a week so you can go away.  (Please know I got this maybe 5 minutes after my mom and I rang off)

What vegetables does he like? Baked Beans?,salad? stewed tom? fresh tomatoes, carrots, celery, Fruit; peaches and pears i know he likes; what others? Flavors ice cream? Meat? Hot dogs? Chinese food? Hamburgers and sloppy joes are all know. Chicken, turkey? chinese food? You roast your potato chunks at 425 degrees for how long? Beef or chicken gravy. Sliced ham? What for sandwiches other than PB?J. What goes in his lunch box?All of this you may already have covered in your notes to me but if not, these are my questions! Love ya Mom

Mom Knows Too Much About Her Plumber


donnie’s son came about 4:30..
he took enough tree roots out of trap to make wigs for 10 bald people!

poor donnie had been in the hospital..they accidentally burned a hole in his colon!
taking polyps out..they ended up taking 12 inches of his colon!

well then i asked for a discount..since it was only in oct he did it..
so he charged 100 bucks instead of 135!

ok..i think i’ll have an icecream cone now..

talk to you both later i hope..

love YOU:)

Just Chill!!! With the Crawfish Boil

Backstory: My brother and I both live a couple hours away from our parents, so they’re trying to get us to come in this weekend, with the promise of a crawfish boil. I sent a couple emails to make sure they wanted to do it, and apparently that was a couple too many.

to all of you retarded people; just chill!!! I am very busy at work but we can plan to do something seafood-related on Sat. if everyone is coming in. If crawfish is too expensive, we will go on with another plan. SO all of you just relax and everything will work out as it always does. So, ya’ll come home on Friday evening and we will go from there. Got it??? Love, MOM

Love, Mom