It’s Taking Up Space in My Bug Head

Hey girls,
I just want you to know that I was surprised that not a single card came for me for my birthday. I love that you called but it’s been bugging me for the last few days so instead of taking up space in my bug head, I’m sharing it. As you well know I am not a “need to have a gift mom” but I guess I am for sure need to have a card/thought mom. So, no need to send one now however I want you to know the dates to which I like to receive a thought in the mail

Nov 9th (you did this year, thanks)
April 15
Mother’s Day
July 25th.

Thanks and have a good day/night.

For Future Reference

Dear Smith Boys,

Since I noticed the lack of thoughtfulness on, my birthday and Mother’s day/or the “Gee this reminds me of mommy gifts,”  and ALL OTHER
OCCASSIONS I have included a list of acceptible gifts for future reference.
Perfume:  Clinique-”Happy”
Estee Lauder -”Beautiful Sheer Paradise”
Take your father and me out to dinner ***This one is also acceptable
for Fathers Day which is June 16th*****
UoI gear-***This one is also acceptable for Fathers Day which is
June 16th*****
Chicago Bears gear-***This one is also acceptable for Fathers Day which is June 16th*****
Cards- either for occasion or just because I do so much!
Flowers-Sent to work would be best!!!! So I can OHHHH and AWWWW

Tickets to the movie theater

Gift Cards to:
Cold Water Creek
Home Goods/Marshalls

Love your dismayed mom

What You Missed on Christmas

Backstory: Bad weather prevented us from traveling across the state to my parents’ house for Christmas this weekend, so my mom took it upon herself to let me know about the festivities I missed out on.

We decided not to open our gifts (not that they were wrapped) until you and Jeff are here (I’m not getting anything anyway, I’m pretty sure).  Grandma called and you called and that has been a round up of our festive day.  Oh, I took a nap.  Your dad took a crap.  The end.



Worse Than a Lump of Coal

Mom: Please add to cookbook. I made it last night. It’s some good shiz.
Me: You KNOW how much I LOVE good shiz.
Mom: Shut your trap or it’ll be nothing but real shiz for you this Christmas.

Gift List Threat

could you please send me a list of items you might want for Christmas. If you do not I will get everyone Lenox crystal LOL

Snoop Dogg in the GPS-izzle

Backstory: To put this in context, my mom is a late 50 year-old white woman.  She also really loves Snoop and has been to one of his concerts.

Just in case any of you need Christmas ideas, I just learned that Snoop Dogg is the new voice for Tom Tom Navigation system. For only 12.95 you can download a voice skin of him giving directions. Of course I have a Garmin so either I will need a new navigation system or you will have to figure out how to make it work on a Garmin. According to Snoop he did this because he “got tired of the boring lady’s voice”. You all know how much I love dogs!!

Mom’s Christmas Wish List: Picture Frame, Toilet Seat

1.  silver-big ball earrings

2.  cover up for beach large-white

3.  Frame for picture in my mail bin of dad for on my desk at work

4.  New toilet seat for my bathroom-no kidding white

5.  Size 8-Duck Boots-like I wear in the garden to work

6.  Another one of those books i read while in Hawaii

Pepperoni for Everyone!

Backstory: This is my mom’s idea of the perfect gift for my boyfriend.

5 lbs, or 6 1/4 feet of pepperoni are now in my possession…..waiting to be mailed to a certain barrister-to-be!!

All Mom Wants for Christmas…

I want no one spending more money just LOTS of cooking & a ride to look @ Christmas lights with not one word of bickering between your sisters! no one gets car sick or complains about the temp. or reads a book instead of looking @ lights & saying Ah h h h.  O & I am not the driver!  I demand many back rubs & foot rubs too! O & we must go to bars too bad [youngest sister] probably does not have a fake ID.  that is my list maybe to go the movies too!  LOL

Hip-hop Sweater Vest

i just bought your brother that sweater vest. do not say a word. its very hip hop urban!

Making a List, Checking It Twice

Good morning girls!

Dad has given me 2 things for his Christmas list.

1.  Cordless Drill Driver
2.  12 gauge pump Shotgun – nothing fancy – all purpose for hunting – he’s thinking that when he retires he might go hunting with his son-in-laws.  He also wants to get one before they are outlawed. He thinks that is coming sometime.

So, there you have it so far.

Christmas in October

I ordered a Christmas present for you and had it mailed to the house in your name. Apparently it shipped today, so should be coming soon–so keep an eye on the front porch and DON’T OPEN IT. Don’t shake it, either. Just put it in a closet and WALK AWAY.

I Have the Grandpuppy Covered.

I need some Christmas ideas. Please provide me with a list at your earliest convenience. I will also need some ideas for DJ. I have the grandpuppy covered.

Thank you for your assistance in this important matter. I look forward to hearing from you.


V-Card Bouquet

Backstory: This was a card attached to a huge bouquet of flowers i received at my place of work exactly 1 year after i lost my virginity.





Dad’s Birthday Gift: Too Subtle?

I would so much appreciate if you called or wrote to Dad for his birthday.  And, despite any under the mustache grumbling on his part, I know he would, too.

So far I am thinking of getting him a banana plant.  Is that too subtle?

The Coffee of Despair

Backstory: My ex-boyfriend’s parents are coming to town and want me to join them and their son for dinner — on his birthday.

mom: well, if it’s his b-day, you should probably take a gift
me: oh geez
what do you get for somebody whose heart you just broke?
mom: like maybe a starbuck’s gift card or something

Best Mother’s Day Ever.

Me: Are you going to be here for Mother’s Day? I think we were wanting to take you and MawMaw to dinner or something of the sort.
Mom: YES
wow… do I have to pay??
Me: Lol… No you won’t have to pay! McDonalds it is! Wear your Sunday’s best!!
Mom: I was thinking Jack in the crack… 2 tacos .99
Me: Lol oh now mother… I can spend more than .99… hell I may even let you order a value meal!!!
Mom: oh my gosh.. that sounds awesome… not sure what I have done to be treated w/ royalty… but I am a lucky mother….
Me: Oh you are the best mother I have ever had!! You deserve this day to be papered!
Mom: papered… like weed??

Mother’s Day Request

I have reconsidered my request for a Mother’s day gift from my favorite daughter unless, of course, you have already purchased my previously requested gift.

I would like a stainless steel juice water carrying container with a capacity of at least 32 oz. I now carry a plastic water bottle but they, the intranet, say that you should not use a plastic container because it can transmit toxins into the liquid. I don’t need any more toxins thank you very much. I have quite enough of those to be sure.

You may think that this is an easy request but alas it is not for I have searched for one. I don’t really want a thermos because they are large and rather heavy. Instead, I would prefer a lightweight something that would easily fit into the free Ikea black carry case that I have.

So that is my official request that supersedes my previous request.

Hopefully I will see you on Sunday.

Your Beloved Matriarch

That’s No Gag Gift

Mom: OK….This is really weird.
I’m looking at S and B’s bridal registry on line…. They’ve registered for “Operation”… You know, that goofy kids game.  What the heck?
Me: maybe because S is going to medical school?
gag gift?
Mom: …and Clue, and Monopoly…and…
a bunch of electronic games….Wii and so forth
Me: huh, eeehh maybe they like to entertain?
Mom: Ok.
Mom: And a poker six deck shuffler, and Risk
Mom: Hmmmmm.  Maybe they’ve figured out some kind of kinky, newlywed way of playing these games…
Me: ew gross mom no
Mom: “I don’t have a Clue what you want dear…”  “Let’s take a Risk, shall we?”  “Don’t Monopolize the [fill in the blank here]
It could work.

Don’t All Jump at Once

Having spent three hours this afternoon in Papa’s unheated house while waiting for the furnace to be repaired, I had plenty of time to take inventory of the treasures I want to offer to you girls. Up for grabs are the following:

One wooden plaque of a Conestoga wagon (Daddy said this was in his boyhood bedroom)
Two very creepy CLOWN woodcuts
Three mirrored bathroom pictures depicting WHIMSICAL cartoon children in the bathtub and sitting on the toilet!
A modernistic oil painting depicting a French street featuring a woman with an enormous ass in the foreground
A large Motel-Art Style oil painting of a Sicilian fishing village
A Venetian glass clown (goes beautifully with the woodcuts)
Several “Fummels”

Plenty more, too numerous to mention. Please let me know if I should label any of the above for your future use, no fighting please!


Love, Mom