Hey girls,
I just want you to know that I was surprised that not a single card came for me for my birthday. I love that you called but it’s been bugging me for the last few days so instead of taking up space in my bug head, I’m sharing it. As you well know I am not a “need to have a gift mom” but I guess I am for sure need to have a card/thought mom. So, no need to send one now however I want you to know the dates to which I like to receive a thought in the mail

Nov 9th (you did this year, thanks)
April 15
Mother’s Day
July 25th.

Thanks and have a good day/night.

Backstory: To put this in context, my mom is a late 50 year-old white woman.  She also really loves Snoop and has been to one of his concerts.

Just in case any of you need Christmas ideas, I just learned that Snoop Dogg is the new voice for Tom Tom Navigation system. For only 12.95 you can download a voice skin of him giving directions. Of course I have a Garmin so either I will need a new navigation system or you will have to figure out how to make it work on a Garmin. According to Snoop he did this because he “got tired of the boring lady’s voice”. You all know how much I love dogs!!

1.  silver-big ball earrings

2.  cover up for beach large-white

3.  Frame for picture in my mail bin of dad for on my desk at work

4.  New toilet seat for my bathroom-no kidding white

5.  Size 8-Duck Boots-like I wear in the garden to work

6.  Another one of those books i read while in Hawaii

Backstory: This is my mom’s idea of the perfect gift for my boyfriend.

Hey!
5 lbs, or 6 1/4 feet of pepperoni are now in my possession…..waiting to be mailed to a certain barrister-to-be!!
love,
mom

I want no one spending more money just LOTS of cooking & a ride to look @ Christmas lights with not one word of bickering between your sisters! no one gets car sick or complains about the temp. or reads a book instead of looking @ lights & saying Ah h h h.  O & I am not the driver!  I demand many back rubs & foot rubs too! O & we must go to bars too bad [youngest sister] probably does not have a fake ID.  that is my list maybe to go the movies too!  LOL

Good morning girls!

Dad has given me 2 things for his Christmas list.

1.  Cordless Drill Driver
2.  12 gauge pump Shotgun – nothing fancy – all purpose for hunting – he’s thinking that when he retires he might go hunting with his son-in-laws.  He also wants to get one before they are outlawed. He thinks that is coming sometime.

So, there you have it so far.

I ordered a Christmas present for you and had it mailed to the house in your name. Apparently it shipped today, so should be coming soon–so keep an eye on the front porch and DON’T OPEN IT. Don’t shake it, either. Just put it in a closet and WALK AWAY.

Backstory: This was a card attached to a huge bouquet of flowers i received at my place of work exactly 1 year after i lost my virginity.

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER!

XOXO

Love,

Mom

I would so much appreciate if you called or wrote to Dad for his birthday.  And, despite any under the mustache grumbling on his part, I know he would, too.

So far I am thinking of getting him a banana plant.  Is that too subtle?

I have reconsidered my request for a Mother’s day gift from my favorite daughter unless, of course, you have already purchased my previously requested gift.

I would like a stainless steel juice water carrying container with a capacity of at least 32 oz. I now carry a plastic water bottle but they, the intranet, say that you should not use a plastic container because it can transmit toxins into the liquid. I don’t need any more toxins thank you very much. I have quite enough of those to be sure.

You may think that this is an easy request but alas it is not for I have searched for one. I don’t really want a thermos because they are large and rather heavy. Instead, I would prefer a lightweight something that would easily fit into the free Ikea black carry case that I have.

So that is my official request that supersedes my previous request.

Hopefully I will see you on Sunday.
Love,

Your Beloved Matriarch

Having spent three hours this afternoon in Papa’s unheated house while waiting for the furnace to be repaired, I had plenty of time to take inventory of the treasures I want to offer to you girls. Up for grabs are the following:

One wooden plaque of a Conestoga wagon (Daddy said this was in his boyhood bedroom)
Two very creepy CLOWN woodcuts
Three mirrored bathroom pictures depicting WHIMSICAL cartoon children in the bathtub and sitting on the toilet!
A modernistic oil painting depicting a French street featuring a woman with an enormous ass in the foreground
A large Motel-Art Style oil painting of a Sicilian fishing village
A Venetian glass clown (goes beautifully with the woodcuts)
Several “Fummels”

Plenty more, too numerous to mention. Please let me know if I should label any of the above for your future use, no fighting please!

Mom