Yes, Virginia, Your Mother is Insane

mom: so i am officially crazy- i just bought the children’s book “yes virginia, there is a santa claus’
me: ???  why?
mom: for a grandchild?
mom: but no pressure
mom: haha
me: please don’t say for your future grandbabies . . . oops.  too late.

Is Mom Too Excited for Her First Grandchild?

I am bummed that the crib is gone. Maybe you can find one down there. I did get a little infant hammock type seat that vibrates (batteries) for only $5.00. You will need a chest of drawers and a rocking chair, too. I was in the bathroom here (public library), and thought how cool it would be to have a diaper changing station that folds down from the wall. Do you think if I bring a screwdriver I could get it off and run it out to the car before anyone notices?

The Politics of the Ballet Recital

Backstory: Since this is my mother’s first grandchild, she’s still getting used to the idea of parenting as a spectator’s sport.

Me: Here is a copy of the program for A’s ballet recital.  I don’t have many addresses here at work so please forward this on to M and K for me.

Mom: Is A only in the Butterfly one?

Me: If you are referring to performance 19 of 26 you would be correct…  Make sure to go to the bathroom and eat something before we go.

Mom: So, what you are trying to say is that we have to make nice and sit through every tap dancin’, glitter-spewing, fall down balling, pageant on crack event until we finally get to some real talent.  Grand…  Oh, and since K’s ex-wife’s daughter’s chubby little tinkerbell is in A’s class, I may have to hold off on that invite.

No Grandchildren Yet? An American Girl Doll Will Do

Backstory: On a trip to Chicago, my mom took my 20-year-old sister’s American Girl doll to have her gnarled hair re-braided. This woman needs grandchildren, stat!

This evening we took Molly over to the American Girl store to get her hair done – it is a rainy, blustery day in Chicago so we put her in the hotel laundry bag and off we went.

As I walked up to the salon counter, the lady there said, “Oh, has Molly come for a hair style?” Yes, indeed and we also signed her up for the Pampering Plus package (wash and cleaned up!) We were told by the hair stylist that she has seen dolls come in with far worse hair. So Molly felt better.

We were heading out to dinner so checked that Molly could stay for a sleep-over. That is where she is now – having her first American Girl sleep-over.

[A day later, another email arrives]

Molly is back with us and she looks beautiful. She even got bows, a hair clip and stick-on nail decorations. I thought we should celebrate so also got her a set of PJs and housecoat. She is now well-set in the wardrobe department.

Love you, Mom

Grandchild/Pet Accounting

Backstory: My husband and I were getting a baby boxer puppy but had not yet brought her home – this was my mom’s response to the picture I emailed her.

She is beautiful!  I can’t wait for you to get her home so Grandma can meet her.  She looks like she will be a wonderful addition to the family, bringing your Dad & I to a Grand total of 1 Granddaughter, 3 Grand-boxers, and 4 Grand-cats!  Am I missing anyone?

Premature Grandma

Holy !@#$ I was just sort of rubbing my chin sitting at my computer and found a long hair!!!!!!!!!! Old ladies have hair coming out their chins! I am rapidly turning into your grandmother! Guess you will have to start giving me grandchildren soon so I can finish the transformation.

P.S. Do get married first though!

Pregnancy Math

Backstory: My sister and I were born ten years apart, and my mother had me at a young age. She’s premenopausal and, apparently, gets baby fever when she drinks.

Mom: I was just thinking…I was your sister’s age when I got pregnant with you, and your age when I got pregnant with her. LOL
Me: Ummm….
Mom: What is really weird is we all could be! Well, I know I’m not.
Me: Fortunately I believe neither of your daughters are with child at the moment.

Preparing Meals for the Grandson

Backstory: Here’s what happens when you do provide a grandchild, and then agree to leave that small person with your parents for a week so you can go away.  (Please know I got this maybe 5 minutes after my mom and I rang off)

What vegetables does he like? Baked Beans?,salad? stewed tom? fresh tomatoes, carrots, celery, Fruit; peaches and pears i know he likes; what others? Flavors ice cream? Meat? Hot dogs? Chinese food? Hamburgers and sloppy joes are all know. Chicken, turkey? chinese food? You roast your potato chunks at 425 degrees for how long? Beef or chicken gravy. Sliced ham? What for sandwiches other than PB?J. What goes in his lunch box?All of this you may already have covered in your notes to me but if not, these are my questions! Love ya Mom

Furry Babies Don’t Cut It

Me: Thanks for giving my little furry baby a present!
Mom: No trouble at all! Now hurry up and give me a REAL baby!

Things to do Before the Apocalypse

If the world is ending in 2012, somebody better make me a grandma in plenty of time to let me enjoy it. (Don’t tell your sister this.) :)

Hear me…RABBITS.

I bought some baby clothes for you today.

I know you aren’t pregnant, but I thought that maybe if I bought the clothes it would work in reverse…like I could will you to get knocked up.

Are you knocked up?  Tell that husband of yours to get busy.  I want you two sexing it up like rabbits.

Hear me…RABBITS.


PS: Your father is getting a vasectomy.

Love, Mom