The True Pain of a Colonoscopy

Backstory: My grandmother went in for a routine outpatient colonoscopy.

Apparently they didn’t use enough anesthesia because your grandmother just yelled through the whole thing.  Afterward she asked them if this was Elmwood Hospital or Auschwitz!

Jug o’ Sangria

Backstory: From my mother, who is in Texas taking care of my brother’s kids while they are away.

i am so excited – i just got back from the grocery store -where they also sell beer & wine -  and i found our favorite Re’al San Gria so I bought the 1.5 liter jug and some limes, lemons and oranges – i will get through this 100* texas weather yet!

i am off to school to support *** during his end of year awards ceremony – it better be in ac

My Googilly

Mom: I like pantyhose. It holds in my googilly. I’m a grandma a proud of it.
Me: Are you drunk? What’s a googilly? And you are not a grandma.
Mom: I’m a step g’ma through marriage and no I’m not drunk. Googilly is what continues to move long after you stopped.

Grandma’s Fables

Backstory: My grandmother is French and started writing and self-publishing books in her 70s. She sent this to all of her children and grandchildren.

I am thinking of writing a new book, Called “The stories I forgot to tell” it would consist of the true stories with you kids over the years. Like when Joanie beat the shit out of that bratty boy in Miami, or when Jay helped me to find out who had thrown all the stones in our house windows in Burlington, so if you have any that you’d like me to include that I might have forgotten- please let me know OK! love you guys, xoxox ma

Grandma Knows Best

Backstory: I emailed my mom a book suggestion: “How to Sew a Button and Other Nifty Things Your Grandmother Knew”.

Why don’t I just write one myself?  All I’ve experienced as a grandmother.  I’ll look through my nightly journals, even though some of them ramble because of the Ambien.  Well, that could be a nifty tip right there. If you wake up in the morning with a spoon of peanut butter stuck to your face, you should not be taking Ambien.  See?

My Leisure Suit Is Jade Green

Backstory: My Gran is 83 years old and has just taken it upon herself to get fit. Hence ‘gentle movement to music.’

I’ve to tell you about my new keep fit class. It’s called ‘Gentle Movement to Music’!! I thought it would be like my League of health & Beauty which I did years ago – sort of waltzing and waving our arms about and breathing etc….. NO We’re certainly moving to music – but it’s MODERN music and we’ve to do movements like ‘The Shadows’ only fast and move
in boxes and back and forth and our arms side to side and up and down AND try to breathe at the same time !!!

Oh lord – I was sweating something awful (and I don’t sweat) The teacher is a wee slim thing and moves about like a snake and, of course, I was trying to do the same ( HELP )

I’m knackered. I’ve got new trainers ( Nike ) and a new ‘ leisure suit’ – a vision of loveliness !!! But , as I told Mum, if you meet me you don’t even have to let on that you know me !!! My leisure suit is jade green and my trainers are bright white and pink – Mum says ‘Grannybal’s gone mental’

No Marriage in Heaven

Grandma: I can’t wait to see your grandpa again in heaven someday.
Me: You know grandma, according to the Bible, there is no marriage in heaven.
Grandma: What, so everybody’s a floozy? Even better!

Grammy Was Thrilled.

Your phone accidentally called my office on Saturday afternoon about 5:45 and recorded a conversation you were having with two male friends. Included in this conversation was discussion of Axing Lexie and being stopped by the policy for smoking MJ.

Grammy was thrilled by your call. She is so pleased when you take the time to call her.

I am glad you are getting paid today. Let me know what is going on on the housing front.

Much love,

Mom

Grandmas Gone Wild

Backstory: My mom and my Nana went to Las Vegas to celebrate my Nana’s 79th Birthday.  My mom took her to a Chippendales show. Peyro is our cat and HC stands for Horny Cat.

Wait til u c her pictures the dudes were calling her NANA GONE WILD THEY WERE CHANTING IT WAS SO FUNNY

Mommy

Yeah i will send a preview later we went to play bingo to calm her down very hyper real funny

She looked like peyro when she grabbed the dude from behind doing the HC

Aunt and Uncle of Wiccans

Backstory: My parents have been helping my elderly grandma move in with my aunt. My aunt is a super-conservative Christian who thinks Halloween is devil worship, by the way…

Your dad and I are coming home tonight! We wanted to skip rush hour. But we couldn’t wait another day. So when we come home at like 3 AM and the dogs make a big commotion, don’t worry, the house isn’t getting robbed. Guess what? Your cousin *** and her partner *** are WICCANS! She wanted to tell your aunt, but I told her not to do that right now, since your aunt is under a lot of stress taking care of Grandma. So, the aunt-of-Wiccans and uncle-of-Wiccans will be home late tonight! Wiccans forever! See you tomorrow! Love you!

No Congratulations Necessary

If you get that Congratulations thingy at the bottom of the screen saying you have won a gift certificate -
DON’T BELIEVE IT! It’s a trick. Believe me. love Granny

Nana Reads New York Magazine. Also: Porn.

Me: How can that article you suggested be from New York Magazine on April 6th when it’s April 2nd?

Nana: Don’t be a nudnick. Just know that I receive New York Magazine every Monday and last Monday’s was dated April 6. Please keep in mind, my beloved Amy, that I am merely very old, not senile.

Me: Ok I’ll try not to be a nudnick – even though I have no clue what that means – I can assume.
Do you really read New York Magazine?! I’m really surprised… it’s kind of trashy… are you sure it’s not the New YorkER?

Nana: Wise ass! I have read New York Magazine before it became trashy. I also have subscriptions to magazines dealing with sex toys and porno. Love you a lot.

Me: Nana must I remind you that this is my WORK email and they filter this stuff!!! I guess they missed this one…  Anyway I am a wise ass but only out of my deep respect and admiration for you.

Nana: Go back to work. We need the money

Preparing Meals for the Grandson

Backstory: Here’s what happens when you do provide a grandchild, and then agree to leave that small person with your parents for a week so you can go away.  (Please know I got this maybe 5 minutes after my mom and I rang off)

What vegetables does he like? Baked Beans?,salad? stewed tom? fresh tomatoes, carrots, celery, Fruit; peaches and pears i know he likes; what others? Flavors ice cream? Meat? Hot dogs? Chinese food? Hamburgers and sloppy joes are all know. Chicken, turkey? chinese food? You roast your potato chunks at 425 degrees for how long? Beef or chicken gravy. Sliced ham? What for sandwiches other than PB?J. What goes in his lunch box?All of this you may already have covered in your notes to me but if not, these are my questions! Love ya Mom

Laundry and Hot Subway Boys

Hey How are you today? I’m waiting for my last load of wash to finish and take it to Gramma’s because my dryer crapped out. I’m trying to get all of it done so everything will be clean when we go to the Cape, so I did about two loads before i realized the dryer crapped out… I thought I just forgot to turn it on. SO SHIT. I ‘m aggravated. I have to take four loads of wet laundry to Gramma’s when I have all this other shit to do.   Any way did you get up enough nerve to e-mail hot subway boy? Did you hear back? I hope you did.  Talk to you later Love Mom.

Mom-Grandma Tension

Good morning love, Just wanted to send you a note to tell you I’m thinking of you and I hope you have a wonderful day.

I am getting ready to go in to see my parents  and I hope that I will be able to get out of there by 3:00. I should be pretty fed up by then with a splitting headache and I can’t tell you how much guilt she will try to throw on me. So by the time I leave there I should be ready to call the HELP line.  I will keep my cool the whole time I am there and not say a word.

I will talk to you soon . If you want to call me there I will have my cell phone on me . Then you can thank my mom [for a gift] and get it over with quickly and painlessly (I hope).
Lots of hugs to you,
mom  xoxo

Calling Grandma

Mom:  I called your grandmother and she answered with “Hi! How ARE you doing!”, then I said “Mom, it’s me.”  She dropped the act then and responded with “oh…”

Me:  I’m sorry, well she is going deaf, she doesn’t know who she is talking to most of the time.

Mom:  It’s okay, one day I’ll do it to you.

Momma Love From Two Generations

Haven’t talked to you since your trip.  I hope it was lovely.  I am becoming a nerd.  Really.  I now know how to program actions on photoshop.  You may be interested!

I have two checks for you which compromise the bulk of your inheritance.   One of Nana’s great traits as a Grandmother, is that she thought you and Anna were the most extraordinary people on the planet, same as I thought.

I love you.

x0x

“Vacation” with Grandma

Sorry to hear your reality sucks. Get over it, find joy in the small things. Would you like me to email grandma to lighten up? I’d be happy to do that for you. Been a bit tough, still in California, flying home tomorrow after the services. Remind my mom you are on vacation too and it isn’t all about HER! The travelers checks should be able to be cashed at any bank. Check and see if there is a toll free number to call on the travelers checks and if so, call and find out where the nearest place to exchange is. Take it easy, relax and be thankful that she isn’t raising you.

Love to you.

Mommy

41-Year-Old Virgin

I just talked to Grandma and your aunt’s wedding is going to be the 6th of December.  She asked if she could send your invitation here and I told her that if she wanted YOU to get it, she should mail it to YOU.  Novel idea?  Anyway, the best part of the conversation came later when she told me that your aunt had found her dress and it is beautiful but your aunt is worried that because the dress is ivory, people will think she’s not a virgin.  Are you kidding me?  She’s 41 years old.  I’d be wearing flaming scarlet so no one would think I was a virgin, especially if I were.  I didn’t think there was such a thing as a real forty year old virgin.  I thought even nuns had had an adventure or two by that age!  Geez!  At least I’m not related to them by blood.

L,

M



Love, Mom