Quilting Emergency

Is there any chance you would go to a quilting meeting with nana from 7-9 tonight?  She is out of control in the bitch department and maybe this will get her out of her element, which seems to be only hassling papa.  let me know,
thanks, me

Grandma’s Teeth Trauma

Called my mom, she had a funny story about being out with Marge , and Marge got a pill stuck in her upper false teeth and had to take her teeth out in public. Mom was upset, but i thought it was funny.
Take care. Always fun to have you visit. MOM

Burying the Lede

Backstory: My mum believes in breaking bad news gently. Preferably after a short movie review, and a precis of what she’s about to watch on television.

Hi,

Hope you and Simon are welll and had a good weekend. We went to see Star Trek yesterday and enjoyed it though Dad didn’t think it deserved 5 stars and the time travel didn’t survive close inspection! Grandma was taken into hospital on Friday with a mild heart attack and is being keep in for a few more days for tests and things so I sent her a card from us all to wish her well. We are looking forward to watching 1066 tonight, a no-holds barred account of that year from the point of view of the ‘foot soldiers’. Much gore and blood curdling. Hurrah!

Mum x

Grandma Can’t Be Bothered?

What did you guys think of the article “Grandma Can’t Be Bothered” in the NY Times today? It’s about some modern-day grandmothers who don’t want to take care of their grandchildren:

Thoroughly modern grandmothers, so-called glam-mas, “feel they’ve put in their time,” Ms. Barash said. “They were devoted to children to the exclusion of their own freedom, and they’re not looking to repeat the mothering process with their grandchildren.”

In other words, it may take a village to raise a child, but these days the village may be more heavily populated with nannies than nanas.

Those of you who have kids: Is your mom like this–or the opposite? And for the grandmas in the room, did you recognize yourself?

Grandparents’ Noble Suffering

Backstory: i have a 7mth old baby. she is the first grandchild on both sides. constant grandparent company at our house…told mom i didnt want company friday nite.

I am glad baby did fine this morning. I am praying for her. No, we won’t be coming over tonight. You have made it perfectly clear that you don’t want us “horning” in on the week nights and that you don’t like company on the weekends because that is your only time with her and that is when your friends come over. Our time with her will be on Fridays when I pick her up from the babysitters. Which dad still won’t get much then. But we will honor your wishes. We will suffer from it and (baby) will too. But we will abide
by what you say. Hope you have a good one.

Don’t All Jump at Once

Having spent three hours this afternoon in Papa’s unheated house while waiting for the furnace to be repaired, I had plenty of time to take inventory of the treasures I want to offer to you girls. Up for grabs are the following:

One wooden plaque of a Conestoga wagon (Daddy said this was in his boyhood bedroom)
Two very creepy CLOWN woodcuts
Three mirrored bathroom pictures depicting WHIMSICAL cartoon children in the bathtub and sitting on the toilet!
A modernistic oil painting depicting a French street featuring a woman with an enormous ass in the foreground
A large Motel-Art Style oil painting of a Sicilian fishing village
A Venetian glass clown (goes beautifully with the woodcuts)
Several “Fummels”

Plenty more, too numerous to mention. Please let me know if I should label any of the above for your future use, no fighting please!

Mom

Grandpa’s Still Got It

Mom: So…your grandpa is still horny.

Me: WHAT?

Mom: Yeah.

Me: Well, Um all guys are like that I guess.

Mom: You know a guy like that?!

Me: no…all guys are like that.

Mom: Oh Really?!

“hands on” grandma!!

Backstory: My mom watches my sister’s 2 kids during the day, and the youngest is potty training.

They’ve been pretty good today except Ty can’t learn to point his goober down when he’s on the potty and he pees all over the floor, his clothes, and – if I’m not fast – all over me!! He’s lost all concept of pottying and I have to remind him every 30 minutes or so. I love being a “hands on” grandma!!

Grandma’s Secret Recipe

Grandma: i really like that apron you got me for Christmas
Me: oh, yeah, no problem, I thought it’d be useful
Grandma: oh sure for when we’re entertaining guests…..or if im just entertaining your grandfather
Me: um…..sounds great

Clock’s A-Tickin’

How does it feel to be almost 30 years old? Time to start making those babies!!!!

Hippie Grandma’s Toothpaste Obsession

seems that you assiduously avoided using the natural toothpastes that were in the bathroom

your mother and I both testify to the healing properties of NEEM. your mother says that as soon as she started using it her chronic gum irritation disappeared when I started using is, my periodontist said I no longer needed gum surgery

the commercial toothpastes contain sodium lauryl sulfate you should google it sometime

Puff The Magic Beetle

Backstory: “Puff” is my mother’s VW Beetle. In this e mail she is talking about what my grandmother did.

Mom backed out into Puff this morning, on her way out with her to do list… so I now have to get an estimate on her bump and scratches. Puff seems to think she had a real “wreck”. There is no dealing with her. She likes Mom to drive her because in doing so, she thinks she is living life dangerously…. and that is no shit. Now of all the people for Mom to screw up and hit, why me? She has an ever-lessening sense of spatial determination… and for me, it is truly maddening.

Colostomy Bag Is Like Poetry

Backstory: My grandpa is in the hospital and I sent an email asking how he was doing. I got this reply after I corrected her… terminology

I DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO SPELL CATHETER. SORRY. PEE TUBE SOUNDS NICER.

God Help Us All

The weekend was fun. We went to a cocktail party on Fri. at the house with the prayer room and dance studio your friend used to live in. I took Gramma to the airport for her Thanksgiving trip. I’m worried she is going to get sick. She, on the other hand is worried about the economy and told me last night that if we needed help financially she would give up her apartment and move in with us and pay us rent. Cute, but God help me!

No Hanes in Packages of Three

Backstory: A senile grandmother misplaces things… like her keys, her teeth and apparently her underwear.

mom: guess what is missing today…

me: her teeth again?

mom: she has entirely run out of underwear
I checked at Marshalls and Kohls … lacey and bikinis … no Hanes in packages of three
just picture Gram in thong?

me: you just ruined me

mom: hahahaha

me: this is going to be very expensive therapy

mom: a spa in the Bahamas, huh?

me: that will work, but you cant come if you ever say anything like that again

mom: grandma is looking forward to seeing you at thanksgiving, but where were you all this time?

me: well at least she remembers my name

he has a odor

i’m off to fair tomorrow.  Grandpa is taking 2 shirts to wear since when he gets nervous he has a odor.  m

Backwards World

I’m living in backwards world! Mother has on thick winter socks, a jacket, & is under an afghan.  Dad has on a wool jacket.  It is 75 n house cuz I sneaked thermostat down 5 degrees!  When I get old, u r gonna have 2 tell me shit straight up.

grandma’s crimes and misdemeanors

Your Gma about stroked out when I cut the “Warning/Caution” tag off the lamp cord.

The tags are now being saved in a drawer, but not in the drawer full of twist ties.

Love, yomama

Granny’s Panties

Hi honey.

Somehow I have misplaced your home address and I want to send the car tags out to you before I leave for Florida on Saturday. So…please let me know what it is ASAP so I can get it in the mail.  Nothing much new here.  Grandma hasn’t found any more money in her undergarmets. Love you.

Mom

now, back to church on tv

hi, pooh:

grandma is using the homeopathic remedies you sent, but she still isn’t feeling well.  she says it’s not a cold or the flu, she just feels weak.  i sometimes see her holding on to something like she’s lightheaded and when i ask her what’s wrong, she says “nothing, i’m fine”.  i don’t believe her but she’s hardheaded.  give her a call when you can.

those videos are sent back and forth between me and a small group of people where i work.  they break the monotony of the day.  sometimes i laugh out loud when i first see one of them.

anyway, tell jennie i said “hey” and you two continue to be good to each other.  now, back to church on tv.

love, mom



Love, Mom