Would You Take My Thinning Hair?

Mom: Believe me, if I could have your symptoms for a while to give you a break, I would totally do it.
Me: i am so touched that you would want these guts of mine
Mom: I would take anything of yours, but honestly, would you want what I have in return? A bum leg that is cold and purple? Thinning hair? A sagging ass? Dark circles? A bad memory?

The Photographic Evidence

OK … I tried to send a note on facebook but something was going funky with it.

On the picture of M and B … look in the background … I look horrible!
I look like some hard old alcoholic aunt who smokes, curses, and drinks too much! Why didn’t you tell me I looked so bad? When I saw “me” in the picture I actually blanched … blah!!
Now I’m really depressed.

Premature Grandma

Holy !@#$ I was just sort of rubbing my chin sitting at my computer and found a long hair!!!!!!!!!! Old ladies have hair coming out their chins! I am rapidly turning into your grandmother! Guess you will have to start giving me grandchildren soon so I can finish the transformation.

P.S. Do get married first though!

One of those Old People Days

I have finally landed at home, so here I am to bug you. Been one of those old people days. I went looking for my coffee cup this morning, couldn’t find it anywhere. Dad looked in the fridge and pantry, I said I didn’t come and get another cup of coffee yesterday, so just hoped it would show up or else we knew the coffee cup elf had been here. Well, when I got home from church today, decided to get a cup of coffee, opened the microwave to heat it up, and there sat my cup pretty as could be, full of the coffee I never got to yesterday!

Off to the grocery store, buy 4 12 packs of coke brand cans, get a 5th free, and 2 Hillshire smoked sausage packs free. OMG, the old people were like Christmas morning toy sale buyers at Toys R Us. Fussing at each other, and the stuff was stacked as high as we are tall. I decided to do the rest of my shopping first and come back, but when I got to the sausage spot, it was get out of my way grabbing.
So glad to be home and alive!

Smell Is the Least of My Worries

Backstory: Mom emailed me telling me she pulled a muscle in her back. I recommended a sore muscle balm I’ve used before, but warned her because it smells pretty strong.

Well right now I have a hot pak stuffed down the back of my pants…..so smell is the least of my worries. I have a hump on my lower back.

ha ha ha it hurts to laugh so im not using any capital letters

Jump Rope Conundrum

Hi Honey,
Jumping rope is something I could try to do again. I used to pee when I did it but now that I’m getting older, it might be worse or better in that department. I’m not sure. Just have to find a spot in which to do it where no one will be watching and I’ll have room. I guess the garage is the only answer. hahaha

Pre-Need Planning?

Backstory: I asked Mum if she and Dad had any preferences for what will happen to their bodies/funerals when they die and told her my preferences.

I’m kinda hoping to outlive everyone, so it should be irrelevant! (he,he) Seriously though, do whatever you want with the bodies but no expensive funeral. After all, that’s only for show (to some extent) and the funeral director taking advantage of grief (to a large extent). So simple is fine.
Is there something I should be worried about…life insurance, funeral instructions?? Anything going on?

Express Train to Barstow

Backstory: my mom and I joke about me sending her to a nursing home in Barstow when she has “senior moments.”

Last night I bit my tongue really hard and this morning sneezed and peed in my pj’s. When you come home you might want to look into Barstow for me.

To Pee or Not to Pee

Mom was preparing us for our Christmas visit. My husband found this hilarious (instead of gross): just more proof that he’s a keeper…

Last (AND least), I want all of you to be aware of a few “household habits” we’ve developed because I’m sure they’ll be apparent & I want to prepare you: so better admit this to your men-folk too. Because Daddy can’t walk much, and because we don’t have a bathroom on the main floor, I’ve been letting Daddy (as if I could stop him!) pee into a small bucket in the kitchen & pour it down the sink. He’s not exactly shy, but thank goodness he won’t do this if anyone is around in the kitchen, so if you ever notice the kitchen doors closed, please know not to come in. If this grosses anyone out, get OVER it or reach for the Lysol in the cabinet.

mad as hell and not taking it anymore

Backstory: This was mom’s rant about her bosses the day she quit her job at the local newspaper.

I told my boss he was a soul-less suit and walked out. He’s such a tool. He has his head so far up Nancy’s ass and she’s just an old, bitchy, dried-out-uterus hag!

Dad’s Arm Looks Like an Udder

Your Dad is playing outside with Dan & that boat motor. (His elbow seems some better & is black & blue; so he must have bruised it & didn’t notice it.  It still looks like a hanging udder, but I have enough flapping around myself in the upper under arm area!  Maybe we are just showing our age!)

my menopausal brain is short circuiting

I am very excited about coming down on Friday night and going to the BEACH!!  It will give us some “bonding time”. Don’t worry, I have no agenda, I’m just using the old cliche. It will be fun spending time with you. You are a very intelligent woman and I learn alot every time we are together.  I went to a dinner put on by the drug reps on the HPV vaccine. It was informative and the food was incredible-it was at the Simon Pearce, an eatery (I tried to spell restaraunt but my menopausal brain is short circuiting this morning). The place is in Quechee, very la de da. Anyway, I should be getting ready for work, I don’t think I will make it by 8am since it’s 7:54 now. By the way-I do have a problem with my left breast implant-it has formed scar tissue and it’s encapsulated so it’s as hard as a rock. Massage and vit E are supposed to help loosen things up. The right side is great but on the left it’s a true Barbie doll breast. See you on Friday night.


Save This Email And Remind Us

Dad and I will move to assisted living when we are 75.  Save this email and remind us that we promised to never make you deal with this – there will be plenty of other craziness we will put you through.

Cuz that’s why you have children!

Love , Mummy

It’s Hell To Get Old

FANX!!!!!!!!  For fixing the disposal!!!!!!  It’s hell to get old-I knew that the wrench thing was all it needed, but I would have had to bend down and put my reading glasses on and with shortterm memory, try to retain the concept of clockwise vs counterclockwise.  You are my best girl.

The Porcelain Launchpad

Your poor Dad has now been on the porcelain launchpad multiple times.  The first pill was at 6 pm and it is now 10ish, so they are fast-acting!



…Old Is Old

Backstory: I am turning 26 in a few weeks and am not excited about it. Thinking of staying 25 for another year.

Your life has just begun…..But 57 for me needs to stick around for a least 6 years. By that time it doesn’t matter if your 57 or 107… old is old.

Love, Mom