Old Friends Are the Best Friends

Backstory: my mum is getting new kitchen and was discussing it with her best friend, with whom she shares a passion for wine and cava. I got this text from her shortly after. Also, my mum had just gotten over a bout of flu.

I asked Linda whether to get a 6 or 12 bottle wine fridge. Her reply – “Well if that ain’t the dumbest question i ever heard. Must be 12. Need room for special occasion fizz, supply of day to day fizz and small corner to squeeze in a couple of bottles of the flat stuff. You are clearly still in a weakened state from the swine flu” I love my friend.

You Need a Booster in Your Butt

As far as I know, 1999 or 2000 was the last time you had a tetanus booster (for college) so you are overdue for it. Ask for it in your butt.

Are You Using?

Mom: Are you using?
Me: Drugs? Protection?
Mom: No, that nasal rinse I bought you!

Non-Nudgy Advice

Backstory: I told Mom I was getting sick, so she emailed this morning asking if I was going to the doctor ASAP for antibiotics.

oops.  you didn’t want nudgy advice, just chicken soup and good health vibes.
so I’ll retract my last email (pay no attention) and just send the positive energy. and dancing matzoh ball dreams. sorry ’bout that.  (trying hard to be appropriate here and respect your adult autonomy)
xoxoxo

On Pap Smears and Emoticons

Me: Hey Mom, just wanted to let you know that my pap smear came back negative! Love you. 12:36 AM

Mom: Thank god I’m so happy for you 12:37 AM

Me: Good night :-) I will probably be over for a few after work tomorrow 12:38 AM

Mom: Ok ({}) 12:39 AM

Me: … on my phone that looks suspiciously like a vagina. how apropos 12:40 AM

Mom: Its a big hug silly 12:41 AM

Mom: Not the vag!! 12:41 AM

Dad is Home! But…

dad is home!

he’s feeling better

he still hasn’t had a good bowel movement since last wednesday

so he is full of shit :-)

love

mom

XOXO

Something to Look Forward To

Me: I just sneezed so hard my ears popped!

Mom: Just wait til you’re 50 and you pee your pants every time you sneeze that hard.  Your ears will be the least of your worries!

Me: Thanks mom for always giving me something to look forward to.

Mom: That’s my job!

The True Pain of a Colonoscopy

Backstory: My grandmother went in for a routine outpatient colonoscopy.

Apparently they didn’t use enough anesthesia because your grandmother just yelled through the whole thing.  Afterward she asked them if this was Elmwood Hospital or Auschwitz!

Angry Mammaries

Just passed my mammo and sonogram but my boobies are really pissed!
Love
M

Fart Credit

hey bub- got dad to & from the surgery center- he had no pollips or anything of any concern. They told him that the procedure filled him with air and the faster he could pass it out, the faster we could leave. The nurse said, “Just rip ‘em!” and boy- he did! all the recovering people were just in a big room with curtains seperating them- the lady next to your dad was having a terrible time coming out of the anesthesia and expelling her gas. Her husband kept trying to get her to stay awake & to fart- every time your dad farted, he thought it was her & the husband would brag on her, She’d just say, “that wasn’t me.” I got tickled after a few times of her getting the credit for all dad’s farts!

It’s Just a Bloody Nuisance

Well try and rest up and dont get down on it – you seem to get upset so easily – in the greater scheme of tragedies this is a drop in the ocean, just a bloody nuisance  – remember -  you dont have cancer, a tumour, a terminal blood disease, multiple sclerosis, mental illness   (I hope), melanoma, dementia or a myriad of other ghastly incurable curses – just a tummy upset.  It WILL pass.   I will ring you tomorrow Possum .  (dont forget to disinfect your toilet and wash your hands often – recommended by WHO – I made that up but it seems like common sense so do it)  From your Mum (who knows everything medical) and Nanna  (who uses methylated spirts to cure everything)  who love you.

Between Two Metal Plates

Calling the doctor has always been a pain. Then when you finally get through she is scheduling appts for at least 4-6 weeks in advance. I just scheduled my first mammo, I do not look forward to that event. I have heard it is painful. The smaller the breast, the more painful as they try to squeeze it between two metal plates. A test designed by men i am sure. Funny how the test for prostrate cancer does not involve squeezing the testicles between two metal plates.

Possibly Counterproductive Medical Advice

My potassium is low and the doctor is recommending that I simply eat potassium-enriched foods….on the list is chewing tobacco!
I think I’ll start to chew!
love, mom

Beware the Killer Pancakes

Just concerned, that’s all.  Make sure you wash your hands often to keep the flu away.  The hand sanitizers arent as affective as people think.  Soap and water still best.
Also, never use any outdated Bisquick mixes or cake mixes or anything like that. The yeast in them goes bad and creates a deadly bacteria.
OK I’m done.
Love you

Headache Solution: Vibrator

Backstory: This came from my very Southern Baptist, anti sex mother while I was on Spring Break.

mom: do you have a vibrator?
me: ummmm no. random much?
mom: i need one, i have a headache.
me: omg i seriously did not need to know that’s what you do for headaches
mom: what? it’s a sinus headache. if you put the vibrator up to your head sometimes it can break up all the gunk and relieve your headache. what did you think i was doing?

Love Story

I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I’m finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

For the Love of Painkillers

Backstory: My mom sent me a thermometer at school because everyone is getting sick. I texted her back to tell her I already had one, and to ask her if she wanted me to return the extra one. She just had foot surgery and is a little loopy.

Me: Much appreciated but I actually already had a thermometer. Do you want me to bring the extra home?
Mom: Keep it. some day You may want to verify temp orally and rectally ;)
Me: What is wrong with you!! Did they amputate your soul when they operated on your foot????
Mom: PERCOCET!!!!

How to Cure a Yeast Infection

Backstory: I called my mom because I got an awful (though aren’t they all) yeast infection and wanted to know natural remedies besides just using monistat.

Did you get anything for your problem?  It was your sister who told me yesterday that she is taking antibiotics for sinus infection and we talked about yeast.  She really doesn’t get them.  if you get the cream you can swab it on and give you relief.

Lice and Rhumba

Don’t go to the clinic for the lice yet. I have some other thoughts…and you should have seen yo mama shakin’ her bootie in rhumba class this morning! Love you, mom.

How Dad Enjoys Life

Dad got the OK from the doctor yesterday, everything is perfect and he told him to go enjoy life. Which he already does with drinking and smoking and gambling. Did I miss anything?



Love, Mom