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Fart Credit

hey bub- got dad to & from the surgery center- he had no pollips or anything of any concern. They told him that the procedure filled him with air and the faster he could pass it out, the faster we could leave. The nurse said, “Just rip ‘em!” and boy- he did! all the recovering people were just in a big room with curtains seperating them- the lady next to your dad was having a terrible time coming out of the anesthesia and expelling her gas. Her husband kept trying to get her to stay awake & to fart- every time your dad farted, he thought it was her & the husband would brag on her, She’d just say, “that wasn’t me.” I got tickled after a few times of her getting the credit for all dad’s farts!

Posted on 02.25.2010 at 1:30 pm// Tagged: , ,

It’s Just a Bloody Nuisance

Well try and rest up and dont get down on it – you seem to get upset so easily – in the greater scheme of tragedies this is a drop in the ocean, just a bloody nuisance  – remember -  you dont have cancer, a tumour, a terminal blood disease, multiple sclerosis, mental illness   (I hope), melanoma, dementia or a myriad of other ghastly incurable curses – just a tummy upset.  It WILL pass.   I will ring you tomorrow Possum .  (dont forget to disinfect your toilet and wash your hands often – recommended by WHO – I made that up but it seems like common sense so do it)  From your Mum (who knows everything medical) and Nanna  (who uses methylated spirts to cure everything)  who love you.

Posted on 12.23.2009 at 9:30 am// Tagged: ,

Between Two Metal Plates

Calling the doctor has always been a pain. Then when you finally get through she is scheduling appts for at least 4-6 weeks in advance. I just scheduled my first mammo, I do not look forward to that event. I have heard it is painful. The smaller the breast, the more painful as they try to squeeze it between two metal plates. A test designed by men i am sure. Funny how the test for prostrate cancer does not involve squeezing the testicles between two metal plates.

Posted on 11.11.2009 at 9:30 am// Tagged: , , ,

Possibly Counterproductive Medical Advice

My potassium is low and the doctor is recommending that I simply eat potassium-enriched foods….on the list is chewing tobacco!
I think I’ll start to chew!
love, mom

Posted on 11.08.2009 at 12:30 pm// Tagged:

Beware the Killer Pancakes

Just concerned, that’s all.  Make sure you wash your hands often to keep the flu away.  The hand sanitizers arent as affective as people think.  Soap and water still best.
Also, never use any outdated Bisquick mixes or cake mixes or anything like that. The yeast in them goes bad and creates a deadly bacteria.
OK I’m done.
Love you

Posted on 11.08.2009 at 9:30 am// Tagged: , ,

Headache Solution: Vibrator

Backstory: This came from my very Southern Baptist, anti sex mother while I was on Spring Break.

mom: do you have a vibrator?
me: ummmm no. random much?
mom: i need one, i have a headache.
me: omg i seriously did not need to know that’s what you do for headaches
mom: what? it’s a sinus headache. if you put the vibrator up to your head sometimes it can break up all the gunk and relieve your headache. what did you think i was doing?

Posted on 10.29.2009 at 9:30 am// Tagged: , ,

Love Story

I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I’m finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

Posted on 10.21.2009 at 9:58 am// Tagged:

For the Love of Painkillers

Backstory: My mom sent me a thermometer at school because everyone is getting sick. I texted her back to tell her I already had one, and to ask her if she wanted me to return the extra one. She just had foot surgery and is a little loopy.

Me: Much appreciated but I actually already had a thermometer. Do you want me to bring the extra home?
Mom: Keep it. some day You may want to verify temp orally and rectally ;)
Me: What is wrong with you!! Did they amputate your soul when they operated on your foot????
Mom: PERCOCET!!!!

Posted on 10.15.2009 at 3:30 pm// Tagged: , ,

How to Cure a Yeast Infection

Backstory: I called my mom because I got an awful (though aren’t they all) yeast infection and wanted to know natural remedies besides just using monistat.

Did you get anything for your problem?  It was your sister who told me yesterday that she is taking antibiotics for sinus infection and we talked about yeast.  She really doesn’t get them.  if you get the cream you can swab it on and give you relief.

Posted on 09.09.2009 at 12:57 pm// Tagged: , , ,

Lice and Rhumba

Don’t go to the clinic for the lice yet. I have some other thoughts…and you should have seen yo mama shakin’ her bootie in rhumba class this morning! Love you, mom.

Posted on 08.23.2009 at 10:30 am// Tagged: , ,

How Dad Enjoys Life

Dad got the OK from the doctor yesterday, everything is perfect and he told him to go enjoy life. Which he already does with drinking and smoking and gambling. Did I miss anything?

Posted on 08.07.2009 at 9:30 am// Tagged: , , , ,

The Joys of Drugs (and QVC)

Backstory: Mom had a quadruple bi-pass recently and i’ve hurt my knee. We both are on wacky medications to make it all better.

mom: bored, hungry and wacko. The joys of steroids LOL How’s the knee?

me: still in pain. go figure. drugs suck!!!!

mom: yes they do!! Hope it gets better soon. Try to stay off it and let Jeremy wait on you :-)

me: ha! the day i stay off my knee and rest it will be a cold day in hell more than likely.

mom: LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER!!!! SIT ON YOUR ASS AND WATCH MOVIES OR SOMETHING.

me: ok ok after we go to the grocery store

mom: Qvc is having christmas in July all weekend, sit and shop LOL Right now they are showing an hour of sponge bob toys lmaooooo

me: :) dont you dare buy anything!!

mom: hey, I’m have speed buy LOL Already have about 10 things on my wish list. Dad is used to it every year LOL

me: drug enduced qvc shopping never ends well mom!

Posted on 07.28.2009 at 3:24 pm// Tagged: , ,

Update on Dad’s #2

Backstory: My dad had back surgery, and my mom wanted to update me on his status.

Dad is fine but they r keeping him another night. Still peeing into the pitcher and #2 is being very shy and won’t come out! Thought you’d like to know! Lol

Posted on 05.09.2009 at 11:46 am// Tagged: ,

No Escape From Reality?

You need to remember to wash your hands frequently even though I think the government and media are over blowing the swine flu “pandemic”. Wash for 20 seconds – that’s the length of the “ABC” song or the first 8 bars of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. – MoM

Posted on 05.01.2009 at 9:23 am// Tagged: , , ,

Facebook Photos Never Lie

I am very concerned about your health. I am worried that you are not eating properly. Your facebook picture shows you looking very thin. How much do you weigh?
Is it below 140? If I put money in your Emory eagle account will you go eat breakfast?
Are you eating any fresh fruit? Can you go to the grocery and buy a bag of oranges or apples? If this swine flu comes to atlanta, you need to be healthy enough to fight it,and that means you need a strong immunity system, which you can’t have if you aren’t eating healthy.

I am very worried.

Love,
MOM

Posted on 04.29.2009 at 11:44 am// Tagged: , , ,

What About ME?

Just thought since you did not call ME, I would email to let you know I have a stress fracture in my leg near my knee and have to be off my feet for 2 wks. Yeah right, like I have time to do that. See you soon, ME.

Posted on 04.29.2009 at 9:43 am// Tagged: ,

My Neck, My Back…

Backstory: I’ve had back problems for past 8 years, and have been to all sorts of doctors, and tried all sorts of thing. Nothing has worked, my next try is acupuncture.

me: looks like our insurance would cover acupuncture for me. thinking about trying it

mom: great. try it.

me: but am trying to find someone who has done it to ask them about it

mom: it seems scary, but it is not really.

me: do you know anyone that’s done it?

mom: i had it done once by a veterinarian to loose weight. and I did loose weight. it was three pins in one ear.

me: oh weird

mom: the vet was treating horses that had pain with acupuncture. so, I figured if it worked on the horses it was not a pretend thing.

me: how did you know this person?

mom: someone I know went to him. Really good looking. it was worth going just to see him.

Posted on 04.27.2009 at 3:22 pm// Tagged: , ,

Swine Flu Advice

Buy some face masks at a pharmacy NOW before they run out.
In Mexico, the masks are being issued to people.
Love,
Mom

Posted on 04.27.2009 at 9:08 am// Tagged: , ,

iPhone to the grave

it might be nice if you could actually CALL & just see if I am OK. Ruptured ear drums hurt and there will be no phone in my coffin. m

Posted on 04.26.2009 at 11:30 am// Tagged: , ,

He Should Be Doing These Things Because He Loves You

Backstory: My mom was upset that my fiance complained about taking me to the doctor.  I have a condition and I can’t drive myself right now.

He is supposed to be your partner, right?  your future husband?  You have a medical problem and he needs to be there for you and too damn bad if it’s inconvenient for him or takes him out of his way.  that’s what he’s supposed to do.  Who else out there can you depend on if not him?  I don’t care if he’s tired or put out, he should be doing these things because he loves you and he is concerned for your safety and health.  You would do the same and much more for him and I know you already have, my dear.  He needs to grow up, I know you don’t need to hear this right now, but this is the kind of thing that makes me angry when I am already worried about you and hate that you are so far away for me to help you.  Ok, I’m done.  Not quite, he needs to buck up and take care of you.  OK, I’m done now!!!!!  Just tell him he needs to get his ass up early one day and take you to the dr. if you still feel as crappy as you have been by Friday.

Posted on 04.25.2009 at 10:17 am// Tagged: , ,


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Love, Mom