me: hello!
mom: hello
me: welcome to the 21st century
mom: i cant see you
me: i don’t have a webcam
mom: when i skyped with your sister i could see her
me: that was a skype video conference. i can only do instant messaging.
mom: how is this better than a phone call?
me: for one, you don’t have to deal with the awkwardness of hanging up on someone when you get sick of talking to them.
mom: who is this?
me: ?
mom: i have no way of knowing who this is.
me: umm…
mom: my son would never talk to me this way.

Backstory: I’m almost 40.

Mom: Where are you today?

Me: Lynchburg, Virginia

Mom: Oh that sounds fun.

Me: I’m going to run and get a salad for dinner

Mom: Are you leaving the hotel?

Me: Yes.  I’m going across the street

Mom: Well don’t talk to strangers

Me: Thanks, I missed that in pre-school.

Mom: One of these days someone will kidnapp you and I’ll have to get money together to get you back.

Mom:  So when we come to Sydney can we stay at yours?

Mom: Hello?

Me: Oh. Sure. Well, actually there are a number of awesome hotels just a two minute walk from my house. I’ve just emailed you a bunch of links. Have a look! Am happy to book any of them for you. But, yeah, of course you are welcome to stay at mine, if you really want to.

Me: Mom?

Mom: You were welcome to stay in my uterus for nine months, and then my house for 17 years. But I understand, a week at your apartment might be a bit … much. :)

Me: Don’t you passive-aggressive-smile-face-ME, woman.

Mom: Fuck off. Love you – M.

Me:  I think i just gave your number to a scam artist, Im sorry  :*{

Mom:  What happened?

Me:  Some guy from the streets wanted to sell me magazines, i told him if you all renew you might do it thru him, but Sara says its a scam

Me:  I love you  O:)

Me:  His name is John if that helps

Mom:  That doesnt sound good – was this by phone?

Me:  No.  met him on the street.  he was wearing a nice suit, but didn’t have any teeth

Mom:  R U shitting me?

Me:  No maam, R U mad?

Mom:  No, but id like to know why he wants to call me

Me:  To buy his magazines, Mom!  His friend was framed for fraud and he’s tryin to help her get back on her feet

Mom:  Hell no.

Me:  you don’t have to, tell him u went bankrupt tonite.  but the man already knows I’m spoiled.

Mom: I had a great sandwich, whole wheat pita, ground turkey meat seasoned w/garlic salt, avocado (lots),lettuce, parsley, cucumbers,waterrcress. Yum-Yum

Me: did you make it

Mom: Yup. I keep a fresh salad in the fridge, with romaine,parsley,cuces, and watercress.Then we put a dressing of balsamic vinegar, olive oil, and lemon juice.  Again Yum-Yum You can used the salad for anything.

Me: i hate watercress

Mom: What are you a comunist?

Me: sort of

Mom: I don’t know how to spell comunist.
You need to try it again. I am sure you will like it.

Me: it’s communist. and i dont like the texture. jesus

Mom: Oh jesus yourself x-(
watch out I just learned to use the little pop-outs. I hope I can control myself

MOM: Have a good day, Darling!

ME: thanks…

MOM: Oh, and make sure your sister doesn’t forget her weed today.

ME: …

ME: you mean her oboe reed?

MOM: Yes

ME: you wrote “weed”

MOM: Did I? Oops! You know what I mean.

my away message: getting cut is the most liberating thing in the world.

mom: cut how?

me: let go early

mom: oh, you scared me

me: haha why?

mom: cut like ouch

mom: like bleeding

me: hahaha no. from the schedule.