Backstory: I am a hairstylist and while my mom was waiting I had a very rude client who was insulting me.

I left my water bottle there. Fill it up, put it in the freezer, then hit the bitch in the head with it.

remember when i toyed with getting leather pants…and you talked me out of it…thank you thank you and again thank you…there was a teacher at last night’s faculty party in leather pants…ho ho ho

Backstory: I recently started a new job and sent my mom an email complaining about my incredibly strange boss.

Ah yes – plays well with others. Much harder as an adult. As I look back at all the freaks I’ve worked with, its definitely better looking back at the situation than being in the middle of it. Put your patience sombrero on and breathe deep. Some people are truly strange and beyond help. I know this is why they made you do group projects in school – to build your frustration tolerance.

Backstory: I had just received a really good performance appraisal at work and sent my mom a copy for her to see how well I did.

WOW you are an exceptional employee. I could have told her all that myself if she would have asked me. Your mama is very proud of you!! Here is my rating for you:

___Exceptional
___More than Exceptional
_x__Off the Hook

It’s official you are off the hook with me yo!I love you, you little over achiever!!!!MOM

That’s great about your new job, I’m so proud of you babygirl!
So you know what I was thinking?…you live in the Bronx and work in Manhattan and Derek Jeter lives in Manhattan and works in the Bronx. You should give him a call & get together.

Thought I was getting fired, got a bonus instead.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

YOU ARE THE WORLDS BIGGEST GIRL WHO CRIED WOLF I HAVE EVER KNOWN BUT I LOVE YOU TO PCS.  So nice that my lil princess can afford half of her own crown now. muhahhahhah

Backstory: This was mom’s rant about her bosses the day she quit her job at the local newspaper.

I told my boss he was a soul-less suit and walked out. He’s such a tool. He has his head so far up Nancy’s ass and she’s just an old, bitchy, dried-out-uterus hag!

Hi, luv,

My pleasure!  Both of us really like your excellent resume but we hope you don’t mind us mentioning that we feel that “hot” in your e-mail address might deter a serious employer from hiring you.  It tends to sound more erotic than professional (more like for a stripper than a fitness instructor).  Also, someone might actually be too embarrassed to respond to such an address.

It’s interesting that the references’ addresses are more toned down.  Dad suggests:  fitveganmomma!

Much love as always and hoping that you won’t take offense.
See you tomorrow, Mum (& Dad)   xxx

Backstory: I am saving money to leave on a full time mission for my church but my work doesn’t know that I am leaving.  My mother sent an email to my work address asking if I would like to rake leaves for money for my mission fund.  I emailed her back saying sure but didn’t she have german class.  I also told her to ixnay on the “M” word in work emails… this is here smart alec response.

ok your *o* would appreciate it if you could co*e over on saturday during the day and rake and bag leaves.  I dont have to be there…As for ger*an class your aunt and I are going to see a ger*an play at Stratford and to brunch at one of our class*ates.

NEWS FLASH–Your grandmother called me and told me that she would really like to have you and Ben up for Thanksgiving. She also told me, “I suppose I should send her an e-mail. We’ve learned how to get e-mails, of course, but we’re not sure how to give them.”

Give e-mails. That’s so cute.

Call her honey.

I have a meeting with the president so I have to go.

Love you-
Mom

P.S.–Did you know how many certifiably dysfunctional people there are who are gainfully employed? It’s frightening.