Stepford Wives at Work

Me: Ok so the new girl at work is like Martha Stewart. She came in today with cupcakes.  The cupcakes have the prettiest liners I have ever seen. I think she is trying to buy our sugared-up affection, which would work for me, but on a female team where the baking pecking-order has already been established, she is about to make herself some enemies…
Mom: Tell the stepford wife wannabe she better watch her aproned backside! ;-)  Ok, but before you all burn her at the stake…for being a baking witch and all…tis the season!  Ask her where she got the pretty papers!!
Me: No.  I refuse.  She took my desk. We are not friends.
Mom: It’s ok, someone will find a hair at some point…or maybe a roach leg…just be patient! ;-)

Posted on 10.22.2010 at 11:00 am// Tagged: , ,

Mood: Smiley Faces

The mood of this email is: SMILEY FACES :-) :-) :-) :-)

Magazine project does sound FUN. Features Director is the most fun job – but you should do the sub editing role as well (you are good at picking up grammatical errors and spelling etc). :-) :-)

No need to spaz out. All will be good tonight. I am looking foward to it. :-)

Love you lots xx :-)

;-) :-P

Posted on 09.21.2010 at 10:22 am// Tagged: ,

Special Delivery

Backstory: I didn’t get the job I wanted.

Deposited beer money in your checking acct. Love, mom

Posted on 05.12.2010 at 1:30 pm// Tagged: ,

Don’t Work For Naomi Campbell

Well, if it’s a go, then you can take the pay but keep at least your perspective…Don’t work for someone who might throw a phone at you…Love, Mom

Posted on 04.06.2010 at 12:30 pm// Tagged: , ,

What Really Makes Mom Proud

Mom: Don’t forget to do your taxes! They’re due April 15th!
Me: I know, I already did them and mailed them out.
Mom: Really? I am SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!
Me: For doing my taxes?
Mom: YES!!! SO PROUD!!!
Me: You do realize I have a Ph.D. and managed to become a professor right out of grad school, right?
Mom: Yeah, yeah, finished early, way ahead of your peer, award-winning….but you’ve never done your own taxes before! SO PROUD!

Posted on 04.01.2010 at 9:30 am// Tagged: ,

Your Stubborn Legacy

Backstory: My boss tells me at work one afternoon, “Don’t let anyone ever tell you you’re not stubborn.” I e-mailed my mom the boss’ exact quote, knowing she’d love to hear this. This is my mom’s response via e-mail.
No Shit.

You might be stubborn, but I know you came by it honestly.

I imagine there’s more than one teacher who had to hit the bottle after thouroughly explaining to your complete satisfaction whatever the concept being taught that day happened to be. I always got satisfaction from knowing that they were earning every penny they made because, by golly, you made sure you understood what there was to learn. Because of that, my dear, you will always be successful.

If you use it to your advantage , you’ll go far.

I love you

Momma

Posted on 03.29.2010 at 11:30 am// Tagged: ,

Shiny Happy People, Looking for Jobs

Backstory: Like every other college grad, I’m looking for a job.  Thank goodness Mom is there to reassure me of my most important skills.

Hi Sweetie – it doesn’t look like the MediSpa job is posted on Monster or JobNoggin so that’s great news.   The more narrow the circulation the better.

I did see that Noodles is looking for happy “shiny” people.  You are the poster child for shiny. :)

Love you

Mum

Posted on 03.24.2010 at 2:38 pm// Tagged: , ,

Your Job Will Kill Me

Backstory: I have lived in Brooklyn for 15 years and am about to get tenure at my job.  This is my Japanese mom’s supportive message from Canada.  No idea why she starts by referring to me in the third person.

If Sophia gets tenure, that means
we will spend our remaining years in two different countries far away from each other. That thought always makes us sad.  Our sadness will make our life shorter, and is that what you want?

Posted on 03.23.2010 at 9:30 am// Tagged: ,

IT IS TIME TO GROW UP

Backstory: I was whining to my mom about feeling neglected by my boyfriend(who I live with) who is an accountant and obviously quite busy this time of year. I am an only child.  My mom is the oldest of three. We sometimes have a hard time understanding each other because of this.

Mom: IT IS TIME TO GROW UP AND ADJUST TO THE KIND OF BUSINESS HE IS IN. HE ALSO IS PROBABLY PRE-OCCUPIED AND NOT LISTENING BECAUSE HE HAS SO MUCH ON HIS MIND. LEFT BRAINED PEOPLE ARE NOT WELL ADJUSTED PEOPLE. THEY CAN ONLY DO ONE THING AT A TIME.

Me: LOL You’re right.

Mom: ACCOUNTANTS ARE DULL AND BORING PEOPLE. YOU HAVE BEEN THE CENTER OF ATTENTION FOR A LONG TIME. PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES AND GET OVER IT.I WAS NEVER THE CENTER OF ATTENTION. BIRTH ORDER!!!!

Posted on 03.20.2010 at 10:30 am// Tagged: , ,

New Job Advice

Hope your first day at the magazine is fun and exiciting and that you were able to cover the hickeys – fun but not professional.

Much love,
Mom

Posted on 03.17.2010 at 11:30 am// Tagged: ,

Mom Was a Showgirl

Me: You know you’re at a classy restaurant when they are advertising their new location as ‘next to platinum showgirls’

Mom: Yeah I start work there tomorrow

Posted on 02.28.2010 at 11:55 am// Tagged: ,

Customer Service

Backstory: I am a hairstylist and while my mom was waiting I had a very rude client who was insulting me.

I left my water bottle there. Fill it up, put it in the freezer, then hit the bitch in the head with it.

Posted on 02.17.2010 at 11:30 am// Tagged: ,

AC/DC Is the Best Medicine

Me: And now wonderful Rhonda is giving me a hard time because of her own incompetence.  Absolutely perfect day.
Mom: you are having a bad day.  i hope it gets better.  or do like i do on lunch play your favorite hate song for ex: dirty deeds done dirt cheap by ac/dc and play it real loud and think of all the people who have made me mad today.  it helps me.

Posted on 02.15.2010 at 11:30 am// Tagged: , ,

Leather Pants Advice: Taken

remember when i toyed with getting leather pants…and you talked me out of it…thank you thank you and again thank you…there was a teacher at last night’s faculty party in leather pants…ho ho ho

Posted on 12.20.2009 at 11:55 am// Tagged: , , ,

Involved with the Police Department

Backstory: My youngest sister’s looking for a new job, and my mom wrote this in response to her e-mail telling her she was applying for a job as a case manager.

YOU CAN MENTION IN THE COVER LETTER THAT YOUR FAMILY IS VERY INVOLVED WITH THE POLICE DEPARTMENT. YOUR COUSIN BECKY IS A CRIMINALIST AND YOUR UNCLE BOB WAS ARRESTED SEVERAL TIMES.

Posted on 12.15.2009 at 1:30 pm// Tagged: ,

Great Benefits

Backstory: My 52-year-old mom was just hired to work at a department store for the holidays. This is what she sent me from orientation.

Good news…I get maternity leave!

Posted on 11.30.2009 at 1:30 pm// Tagged: , ,

Looking for Jobs and Husbands

Mom: Have you been to this website? It has a lot of jobs on it.
Me: Yes mom, I know about it.
Mom: Well, you should read it. I just e-mailed it to you.
Me: Yes dear.
Mom: I was bored on my lunch hour so I did that.
Me: You were bored so you looked for jobs for me? If I had a better job already would you be looking for a husband for me?
Mom: That’s next. That’s why I asked you if you knew about J Date.

Posted on 07.10.2009 at 9:45 am// Tagged: , ,

Put On Your Patience Sombrero

Backstory: I recently started a new job and sent my mom an email complaining about my incredibly strange boss.

Ah yes – plays well with others. Much harder as an adult. As I look back at all the freaks I’ve worked with, its definitely better looking back at the situation than being in the middle of it. Put your patience sombrero on and breathe deep. Some people are truly strange and beyond help. I know this is why they made you do group projects in school – to build your frustration tolerance.

Posted on 06.06.2009 at 11:45 am// Tagged: , , ,

Work Report Card

Backstory: I had just received a really good performance appraisal at work and sent my mom a copy for her to see how well I did.

WOW you are an exceptional employee. I could have told her all that myself if she would have asked me. Your mama is very proud of you!! Here is my rating for you:

___Exceptional
___More than Exceptional
_x__Off the Hook

It’s official you are off the hook with me yo!I love you, you little over achiever!!!!MOM

Posted on 04.17.2009 at 9:10 am// Tagged: , ,

That’s my girl!

me: This job is just awful. And I can’t manage to meet my quota for the life of me.
mom:Quit. Then include it in your blog–another miserable day temping.
me: Okay. I should be more optimistic. But I hate harassing people on the phone.
mom: There really is no upside to it. It’s appropriate to be pessimistic. It’s not going to get better!
me: Wise words mom, wise words.
mom: Are you finished work? Are you drinking?
me: No, but maybe I should take some shots before going in tomorrow morning.
mom: That’s my girl!

Posted on 04.14.2009 at 1:30 pm// Tagged: , ,


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Love, Mom