Husband Hunting at Barnes & Noble

Backstory: At the ripe old age of 24, my Jewish mother is concerned that I will never meet my nice Jewish husband.. Apparently a visit to Barnes & Noble is exactly what I need.

“How to Shop For A Husband” by Janice Leiberman.
I was told that it is a good read. Might be worth having coffee and reading in the store.

The Subconscious Mind Is Wide Open

Backstory: My mom is very eager to see me married to my boyfriend, Nick…she also believes in the ghosts, medium, and the power of suggestion.

Mom: My fortune cookie said wedding bells are in a family member’s future…
Me: Didn’t you say Ashley and Robbie are getting married?
Mom: Next year. That’s not soon. Send Nick powerful persuasive thoughts while he sleeps. The subconscious mind is wide open then.

Are You Sure You’re Not Pregnant?

Backstory: I got a big tattoo on my back, and my mother was always against tattoos. So, naturally I was very nervous to tell her, and did not tell her about it for a month or so. Also, I recently broke off my engagement, and was single at the time, which she constantly talked about.

Me: Mom, there is something I have to tell you.
Mom: Are you getting married?
Me: No, just listen. I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time, and it is very important to me.
Mom: You are pregnant!
Me: No, mom
Mom: You have a boyfriend!
Me: Mom, i’m trying to tell you something!
Mom: You already got married?
Me: NO!
Mom: So you are pregnant!
Me: Mom?
Mom: I thought you were pregnant. Are you sure you’re not pregnant?

“Free Communication Weekend”

Backstory: My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years. My mom feels he’s an underachiever. My mom feels that even IF he did propose, he wouldn’t be able to give me the life that “I” (read: she) would want. Also, my 30th birthday is in mere days and this to her renders me a lukewarm commodity in the dating sphere.

Mom: Hey, I just heard it’s “free communication weekend” on eHarmony. Just saying…
Me: uh…I’m not single. Isn’t that like false advertising?
Mom: Can you say “it’s complicated” like on Facebook?
Me: Uh… I don’t think so… I think if you’re on that site, it’s pretty much like you’re single and looking for a date.
mom: Well, he said you could start looking if he didn’t propose by June, and next weekend will be July;-)
Me: true… but I have a problem with looking while we’re still together.
Mom: Ok, I just thought “free weekend”.

How to Know When You’ve Found “The One”

you should marry someone not because you think there isn’t anyone else out there, but because you love THAT person. like, if you had a cupcake, you would want to share it with him.

Are you a research person?

Backstory: I just started my PhD emailed my Mom an article that rendered my university a top 10 research university in the country.

Hi Honey,
awesome article!! Are you a research person?
ps please dont marry the contact person for the article. Im just not crazy about his name.

Dad Lays Down the Law to Future SIL

Backstory:  I am having trouble choosing a song for my dad and I to dance to at our wedding.  I emailed my mom lyrics to a song I like and this is what she had to say (the song has NOTHING to do with what she wrote).

Dad is telling Chris that if he hurts, leaves, touches, etc to you, then Dad will be two steps behind him hunting him down.  :-) :-)

It will be fine.  MOM

All the Latest Appliances!!!

You are a beautiful blond!
Last night I dreamed you were engaged. I can describe your fiance to you. He built a fantastic house for you. It was completely stocked with new furniture. The kitchen was filled with all of the latest appliances. Now you just have to find him. The fellow in my dream adored you and so did his family. This dream was so realistic I could describe what the people looked like and the house. Mom

you know, QUESTIONS

Backstory: Two nights before my wedding mom thinks we need to have “the talk”.

I just want to let you know that if you have any, you know, QUESTIONS, you can ask me anything. Your father isn’t the best lover in the world, so I also know a lot about toys. Let’s get dinner tonight.

Lucky Number Five?

Backstory: I had just gotten engaged literally the day before… and my mom already wanted to know when the wedding was.

Did you think about this, You were born on Nov 5, a Wednesday, and you met or had your first date on March 5, and you became engaged on a 5th!!

I guess it is to early to ask but have you talked about when?

Love ya

How to Save Your Marriage

Backstory: My parents are getting a divorce after 20 years of marriage, and word has gotten back to a certain Great-Aunt who has always had a fondness for sending us Bibles and other unsolicited Christian literature. Up to this point, my mom tactfully stays quiet about the religious stuff, but she gets kinda fierce when anyone tries to tell her how to handle the end of her marriage.

For Christmas, your great-Aunt F sent me a postcard wishing me success in the reconciliation of my marriage.
Then, a couple of weeks ago, she sent me a DVD about saving my marriage the Christian way. She said “Even though I am a Christian, I’m not trying to convert you. I accept that you are not a Christian, but I hope you’ll find this helpful.”

I’m gonna write her back- “Even though I am a sinner, I’m not trying to convert you. I accept that you’re not a sinner, but I hope you’ll find this helpful.”

The note will be attached to a vibrator.

well wishes (and guilt)

I’m glad you arrived safely and take care. I love you have a good school year.


p.s. stop being picky and get married

Goin’ to the Chapel…

Backstory: My mom flew to Reno and got married… and forgot to tell us!

I had this thought this morning…
Life is the lesson.
How you live your life is your lesson.
The choices you make are your lessons.
How other people respond to your choices are their lessons.
From our choices, is our growth.
Grow in love.
God is love.
I made a choice to follow my heart…Bill and I will be married tomorrow at 4pm. Carol & Harry will be witness.
We are all very happy & excited!
My wish for all of us is to be ourselves & grow together.
I love you more than ever…

Mom’s Wonderful Life

Me: So today I went to the city and just had a really great day to myself, I went over to Sassafraz and had a glass of wine, then..

Mom: So the wedding is in a week. I’m so excited I can’t believe it’s happening to me! I’m 54 and so in love… I just can’t wait to kiss his face!!!

Me: Yeah, I know it’s  great isn’t it? Can I finish my story?

Mom: No…. I just find my life so much more interesting :D

Love, Mom