Post-Breakup Advice for Chronic Masturbators

Backstory: I broke up with my girlfriend and when I shared the news with my mom, she accused me of being a chronic masturbator!

Love goes through a lot of changes and seasons.  Did you once have romantic feelings for her?  To whom do you compare her?  She is a gem, a treasure of a person, albeit not a Christian.

Honestly, and this is hard to write, I saw a stack of your mail at Tom’s when you were on your long trip.  I saw the magazines, and no real woman could ever measure up – nor should they ever have to or be compared to a model, a prostitute, or other woman who has allowed herself to be subjected to the lust of strangers in return for money.  It breaks a woman’s heart to see her man’s head swivel at the image of another woman – an image he likely tucks away in his mind to masturbate about later.

Headache Solution: Vibrator

Backstory: This came from my very Southern Baptist, anti sex mother while I was on Spring Break.

mom: do you have a vibrator?
me: ummmm no. random much?
mom: i need one, i have a headache.
me: omg i seriously did not need to know that’s what you do for headaches
mom: what? it’s a sinus headache. if you put the vibrator up to your head sometimes it can break up all the gunk and relieve your headache. what did you think i was doing?

Love, Mom