That’s a Really Old Dog
Me: I like a new guy, he has a dog and he might be over 35.
Mom: That’s a really old dog.
CPR –> SEX?
Me: question,LOL, in Grade 2 did I ever come home complaining about some kid trying to give me CPR?
Mom: gees you really do sound like you are in a good mood. No, you never shared that trauma on me. Who was the kid? CRP or just the ‘R’ part which stands for respirations meaning mouth to mouth. Was it a pick up line for a Grade 2 kid.
Me: He was just telling me about this, I don’t remember it happening actually. I think he dreamed it.
Mom: The question is.. Is he single? Does he want to try an updated version of CPR?
Planning for a Barista-in-Law
Mom: I think the guy at starbucks likes you.
Me: Ew. We call him Jethro – cause he’s dumb.
Mom: I can’t listen to you say mean things. Don’t call him Jethro – he’s cute.
Me: He’s on drugs.
Mom: Well, I don’t want you mixed up with someone on drugs.
Me: But you want me mixed up with a barista!? Do you want me to have to bring your grandchildren to live with you after my barista/drug dealer husband leaves us????
Calculating the “Nerd Scores”
Backstory: I’m working on a Ph.D. in Medieval History. My mother despairs of me meeting “nice boys”. When I met a promising chap at a Chaucer lecture, she wanted all the details.
Mom: By the way what is [he] studying ….is he also history?
me: no, philosophy
influence of medieval ideas on twentieth-century thought
Mom: Ah…..and yet can discuss Jane Austen too! A little scary, no?
me: only in a good way
and it’s kind of mutual
Mom: oh goody…
me: so the Nerd Scores are even ;)
Mom: Ha! I forgot that part of the “list”…
“Matching Nerd Score!”
me: yes, it’s very important
The Truth About Mom’s Hot Boyfriends
Backstory: D is my former stepfather that neither of us are too fond of.
Me: I saw Mildred Pierce today and I’ve already seen Lolita. Are these movies the reason you never brought your really hot boyfriends over while I was living there?
Mom: what do you mean? How hot was D?
Me: that’s what I’m saying. You were hiding all the hot ones around because you knew I’d seduce them
If you brought them around.
Mom: I had no other choice!
Attraction 101
Backstory: I had e-mailed my mom a friend’s wedding website, which tells the story of how she and her fiance met, and that they were instantly attracted to each other.
Did you read that he was attracted to her at first sight? That’s why I tell you to always wear makeup and look good when you go anywhere. Guys notice your looks first. If you don’t look good they won’t give you a second look. That’s how your father noticed me. I was walking down the street with my girlfriend and he said I looked hot.
Bringing Boys Home to Momma
Mom: Darling, I was just talking to Ms. X the neighbor and we realize you have never brought a boy home to meet us. So I just want you to know, I will fully support you and love you if you are a lesbian.
Me: Not a lesbian, stop talking to nosy neighbors, this nuttiness is why I don’t bring men home to meet you.
Bagel Fantasy
Backstory: I had recently taken up with a hockey player missing a tooth.
tomorrow walking with your bagel to the office you bump into a regular enough guy with teeth, but you are not paying attention
as you are thinking about the day ahead of you, when you bump into him it is the cream cheese side of your bagel that hits him first – he is shocked – he stares at his suit, then into your doe-like brown eyes and asks if he can buy you a new bagel….
The (Physical?) Possibilities Are Endless
Mom: How was dinner?
Me: Good I think. I just have a hard time reading him and whether he’s really interested in me or not.
Mom: Well is he physical?
Me: Like physically affectionate? Yes.
Mom: That’s a good sign.
Me: Yeah, but that could also mean he is just trying to get into my pants.
Mom: You know dear, sometimes it’s okay to have a relationship that is “mutually satisfying.”
Me: …
Me: Wait, are you talking about being f*** buddies?
Mom: Just think about it honey. Your mother loves you!
Waiting for That Relationship
Backstory: apparently my mom really does think I’m the only 27 currently not in a relationship.
Hey, did you by any chance write an inquirey about a 27 year old who has never had a serious relationship? I read it in the new ELLE and immediately thought of you. I’ll save it for you to read.
How are things going?
Love xoxoxoxoxox and God bless you, Mom
Loving Childhood Leads to Dating Losers?
Backstory: Bringing a new guy home for the weekend. Mom is unsure, considering my long history of questionable companions.
Maybe you should see someone to find out why you think you need to be with loosers. Does it stem from something from your childhood? We loved you so much and tried to protect you by not letting you do much, I hope it’s not from that
They’re Not in Bands
There are PLENTY of nice young men out there who will love you. But will you love THEM? N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! They’re too boring. They’re too emotionally mature. Ditto to being too stable. They’re not in bands. They’re too rich. They’re not psychopaths! They only want to adore one person-YOU-for the rest of your life. Oy! Where are the Tums?
Second Date Suggestions
Backstory: I went to a Jewish speed dating event and went out with a couple guys as a result, but told my mom I didn’t think I was interested. We had a day-long email debate about whether I should give one of them another chance, and when I finally gave in and said i’d try a second date, she sent me this.
Is there any chance you can go somewhere besides a bar? Where does he live? Would he be interested in the opera? What about a concert? Could you run around the park together?
Is it up to him to propose a venue for the next date?
Have you Googled him? Maybe you can find out something you have in common.
Blind Date Advice
So go out there and make a new friend out of this guy and be open and non-judgmental when it comes to his shoes. Your outfit sounds absolutely perfect.
XXOO
MA
Dreaming is a Life Rope
Backstory: I ran into a guy I haven’t seen in the ten years it’s been since high school at a bar; I was telling my mom about it & asked if it was bad that I was hoping he was single.
Mom: of course that is not bad… it is day dreaming… dreaming is a life rope
Me: oh ok.
Me: i’ll trust you this time. :P
Mom: heh, my mother, on the other hand, used to always say, get your head out of the clouds
Mom: thank god i didnt listen to her
Guy With Bentley=Pimp
Backstory: I was going out on a date with a new guy, and I texted my mom to tell her he picked me up in a Bentley.
I hope he isn’t a pimp trying to get you to work for him. Please don’t do it, even though you are poor!
Lake House (S)expectations
Mom: ok. you know there will be drinking. use your judgment.
Mom: also, boys have certain expectations when they take girls to lake houses. is this boy trustworthy?
Mom: are there any other girls going?
Mom: call your sister
Me: I am the shuffleboard champion!
Mom: great !sounds much moe wholesome than i feared!
Mom: you could be at home with your dad watching Tiger win again!
Date With a TA
Backstory: the TA in question was my constitutional law TA, whom I asked out on a date once the course was over.
me: im having coffee with my TA today!
mom: yeah baby. who’s your momma? (just kidding) SEND DETAILS
me: of course, i’m going to wear a pushup bra
mom: just make sure you don’t rub up against the constitution…young lady
unless he rubs back
then again probably gay
How a Man is Like a Sweater
Backstory: This is an email I got from my mother talking about a man I have a crush on but have not yet found the strength to speak to him.
You certainly don’t want to stand back and watch someone else walk out with that sweater you thought you might like to try on. It’s also really irritating to keep running into someone wearing that sweater — if you never had the chance to see if it was a good fit or not. If that happens, one can waste time wondering if it would have fit, and then waste more time looking for something similar, and even obsess about it - rather than resuming “shopping” & maybe even checking out a different Mall. There are some great things out there.
If it were only all that easy — could be why so many are checking out shopping online these days.
Love you,
Mom
Looking for Jobs and Husbands
Mom: Have you been to this website? It has a lot of jobs on it.
Me: Yes mom, I know about it.
Mom: Well, you should read it. I just e-mailed it to you.
Me: Yes dear.
Mom: I was bored on my lunch hour so I did that.
Me: You were bored so you looked for jobs for me? If I had a better job already would you be looking for a husband for me?
Mom: That’s next. That’s why I asked you if you knew about J Date.
