Me: question,LOL, in Grade 2 did I ever come home complaining about some kid trying to give me CPR?
Mom: gees you really do sound like you are in a good mood. No, you never shared that trauma on me.  Who was the kid? CRP or just the ‘R’ part which stands for respirations meaning mouth to mouth.  Was it a pick up line for a Grade 2 kid.
Me: He was just telling me about this, I don’t remember it happening actually. I think he dreamed it.
Mom: The question is.. Is he single? Does he want to try an updated version of CPR?

Mom: I think the guy at starbucks likes you.

Me: Ew. We call him Jethro – cause he’s dumb.

Mom: I can’t listen to you say mean things. Don’t call him Jethro – he’s cute.

Me: He’s on drugs.

Mom: Well, I don’t want you mixed up with someone on drugs.

Me: But you want me mixed up with a barista!? Do you want me to have to bring your grandchildren to live with you after my barista/drug dealer husband leaves us????

Backstory: I’m working on a Ph.D. in Medieval History. My mother despairs of me meeting “nice boys”.  When I met a promising chap at a Chaucer lecture, she wanted all the details.

Mom: By the way what is [he] studying ….is he also history?

me: no, philosophy

influence of medieval ideas on twentieth-century thought

Mom: Ah…..and yet can discuss Jane Austen too! A little scary, no?

me: only in a good way

and it’s kind of mutual

Mom: oh goody…

me: so the Nerd Scores are even ;)

Mom: Ha! I forgot that part of the “list”…

“Matching Nerd Score!”

me: yes, it’s very important

Backstory: D is my former stepfather that neither of us are too fond of.

Me: I saw Mildred Pierce today and I’ve already seen Lolita.  Are these movies the reason you never brought your really hot boyfriends over while I was living there?

Mom: what do you mean?  How hot was D?

Me: that’s what I’m saying.  You were hiding all the hot ones around because you knew I’d seduce them
If you brought them around.

Mom: I had no other choice!

Mom: Darling, I was just talking to Ms. X the neighbor and we realize you have never brought a boy home to meet us. So I just want you to know, I will fully support you and love you if you are a lesbian.

Me: Not a lesbian, stop talking to nosy neighbors, this nuttiness is why I don’t bring men home to meet you.

Mom: How was dinner?
Me: Good I think.  I just have a hard time reading him and whether he’s really interested in me or not.
Mom: Well is he physical?
Me: Like physically affectionate?  Yes.
Mom: That’s a good sign.
Me: Yeah, but that could also mean he is just trying to get into my pants.
Mom: You know dear, sometimes it’s okay to have a relationship that is “mutually satisfying.”
Me: …
Me: Wait, are you talking about being f*** buddies?
Mom: Just think about it honey.  Your mother loves you!

Backstory: I ran into a guy I haven’t seen in the ten years it’s been since high school at a bar; I was telling my mom about it & asked if it was bad that I was hoping he was single.

Mom: of course that is not bad… it is day dreaming… dreaming is a life rope
Me: oh ok.
Me: i’ll trust you this time. :P
Mom: heh, my mother, on the other hand, used to always say, get your head out of the clouds
Mom: thank god i didnt listen to her

Mom: ok. you know there will be drinking. use your judgment.
Mom: also, boys have certain expectations when they take girls to lake houses. is this boy trustworthy?
Mom: are there any other girls going?
Mom: call your sister
Me: I am the shuffleboard champion!
Mom: great  !sounds much moe wholesome than i feared!
Mom: you could be at home with your dad watching Tiger win again!

Backstory: the TA in question was my constitutional law TA, whom I asked out on a date once the course was over.

me: im having coffee with my TA today!
mom: yeah baby. who’s your momma? (just kidding) SEND DETAILS
me: of course, i’m going to wear a pushup bra
mom: just make sure you don’t rub up against the constitution…young lady
unless he rubs back
then again probably gay

Mom: Have you been to this website? It has a lot of jobs on it.
Me: Yes mom, I know about it.
Mom: Well, you should read it. I just e-mailed it to you.
Me: Yes dear.
Mom: I was bored on my lunch hour so I did that.
Me: You were bored so you looked for jobs for me? If I had a better job already would you be looking for a husband for me?
Mom: That’s next. That’s why I asked you if you knew about J Date.

Backstory: My mom recently ran into a family friend who is older than both her and my father.  I have known him my whole life and think of him as an uncle.

mom: I ran into B today and he was asking about you.

me: well thats nice, how was he?

Mom: he’s fine, I told him you were single.

Me: why would you do a thing like that? You do realize that he is older than you right? And he lives with his mother…

Mom: Well who do you expect to date, 13 year old boys?