In Case of Rapture….

Just letting you all know that I love you very much and am so glad you are in my life. Just wanted to let you know in case the rapture happens tomorrow and I don’t see you again.
Love,
M

Ann Taylor Is My Only Friend

Good morning!   Well here is my e-mail, but I have nothing to say.   Did not listen to the news this morning,  have not turned on NPR yet  -  there is nothing in my head!     Oh here is something  – how does the groupon work if you want to buy something?   I want to buy a subscription to MIdwest LIving.  After you buy it, do you print out the coupon?     If that is the case  I will have to figure out how to hook up my printer.    I think Julie and I are going out for pie today.   Did you hang out with Scott last night?    Please answer with an interesting e-mail,  all I get are e-mails from Pottery Barn, Ann Taylor, and Tony Horton P90X,   -  my only friends.
Mom

How to Solve a Problem, Mom-Style

Backstory: I had missed a call from my mom and texted her back a while later.

Me: Sorry, I was at work

Mom: Nevermind.  I had a problem, but it is gone and so is a bottle of wine. Go figure

I Ate It All

Backstory: I’ve been sick for the past few days and live 1200 miles away from my mother.

Me: I miss you.
Mom: you just want me with you when you’re a sicky
Mom: i made popcorn for you saturday night. you didn’t show up so i ate it all

This is your mother speaking

you are ignoring me, I can tell
your computer is on, I can tell via skype but you don’t answer me
you don’t love me…

OR

you are so busy with school, life, love and all the other stuff going on that you just don’t have time for your mother
I understand but…
you are ignoring me and I miss you

Love your nagging mother

Just Take That 1 Spare Minute…

Backstory: this is what I received after telling my parents they were ridiculous (I missed two texts from my mother [within 10 minutes of each other] and then received a text from my father an hour later telling me to respond to my mother)

Well. We have two options here. I could be deeply offended and stop being concerned when I contact you and 8 hours later you haven’t found 1 spare minute to get back to me. OR I could ignore your umbridge and continue to care enough about your welfare to risk your anger and pester you until I get some sort of response that would let me know that you haven’t fallen in your apartment where you are alone, hit your head, and are laying unconscious and no one knows because you are not expected anywhere. Sorry for your luck to have a parent that worries.

I Pick Option 5

Okay.  I sent you 2 texts, called once and e-mailed you this AM.  Please write to tell me if you are 1) Okay, but not feeling like writing  2)  Phone is dead  3)  In the bathroom 4)Upset at me or 5)  Drowning in chocolate pudding.

Home is Where the Mom Is

I just want to tell you I hope you come home soon.  I really miss you.  I don’t know why.  I think it is the earthquakes.

Love,
Mom

I Hope Your Two Broken Arms Heal Soon

Yes, your father & I will attend your wedding.  Many have received their invitation and have mentioned it to me, so they have been successfully delivered.  Hopefully you are getting a good response on your end.

I hope your two broken arms and sprained fingers heal soon so that you may telephone us once again.

Sigh.

Love you!

Mom

Accident, Mugging, Gender Transfer…

I just figured that I should make sure you are okay since we got cut off from you yesterday.  Hopefully there was not a train accident, mugging, bolt of lightning, spiritual enlightenment, deep hatred for your parents, gender transfer, fall into a manhole, hit your head and have amnesia, or any other general malaise.  Again, i tend to go with the “no news is good news” theory but this is the third or so time your father has mentioned it.  If you are not dead or buried, I hope things are going well for you.  Will talk to you soon.

Love you lots and lots

mom

Like Hot Dog Misses Mustard

Backstory: I hadn’t talked to her in, oh, a couple of hours.

You mad at me/ or just kinda of a poopie head? I wish you would call me, or write. I miss you like coffee misses cream, like a hot dog misses mustard, whenever you eat one, in that weird ketchup way.

Keeping the Lines of Communication Open

Backstory: My mom usually emails me first thing in the morning. If she forgets, I usually get busy and don’t email her. So, if she hasn’t heard from me all day, I get some sort of sarcastic where is my daughter email.
Mom: I had this kid, her name is L, I saw her yesterday, but today she seems to have vanished. Have you seen her by any chance?

Me: Hmm, the name is so familiar. It’s so lucky I heard from you, I’m  wondering, if you’ve seen my mom, her name is A. She’s been missing all day.

Mom: Hmmm… the lines of communications appear to be malfuncting.  I have seen that Mom named A.  I think I have… she is tall, willowy and skin like an angel, voice like a gentle summer rain.  Is that the one??????

Me: Oh, yes that is certainly the one of which I speak.

I have been really worried about you.

Backstory: It’s Wednesday, I emailed my mom this morning to tell her how tired I have been this week. I haven’t received any texts or calls from her all week. I am not married nor do I have kids, I am 21 and live with my boyfriend and our new dog.

I have been texting you all week. And calling

I have really been worried about you.  I text that if I didn’t hear from you this morning I would be stopping by your house and if you weren’t there I was calling the police.

I haven’t heard from you since Saturday!

That’s just crazy – even if you don’t want to talk to me (like your sister said you said) you at least text me something.

I love you, I’m so happy you are alive and breathing, and so sorry you are so tired.  There is no rest for a working mother and wife.  I love you bigger than the milkyway exponentially squared.

xoxox

Her Talent Leaves a Little to be Desired.

Backstory: I’m my mother’s oldest child and away at school. Jane is my baby sister, she’s almost 4 and my younger brother is 17.

hi ladybug!

miss you like crazy and finding things to do around the house. jane and i have started painting—yeterday, i started an amazing portrait of a ballerina from the front of that San Francisco Ballet catalogue they always send us. i’m quite proud of the work so far, though jane’s talent leaves a little to be desired. i’m not a bitch! she’d be the first to admit it! just don’t tell her i told you that :) maybe she’ll improve once she gets as little older.

also, i cleaned out the front hall closet yesterday and found a blue and orange umbrella. is it yours? do you want me to send it to you? i thought i might also find your little brother in there, but alas, not yet. if he mentions anything to you, will you please let me know? i’m tired of waiting.

call me if you need anything or want that umbrella, i can ship it out with the cookies i just made.
love you to pieces,
momma

I Forgive You

have i told you lately how grateful i am for your existence? i forgive you for that awful labor, the episiotomy and those awful stitches, and even those 5 months of colic.

The Good Daughter

Papi and I are glad you are safe at home,  weather here is getting warmer,It,s ok about not calling, we didn’t do it either, You are a good daughter, nice title for a novel “The Good Daughter”, we are very proud of you, living on your own, taking care of yourself, something I admire very much, I hope you are happy with your life, it’s an exciting one, do as you please, wonderful!! Love you very much!!! SYS,    Mami and Papi.  besito  pajarito.amorcito,carinito

Have You Seen This Girl?

Missing…
-Freckled Face “almost 21 year old”
-Likes pizza for breakfast
-stays up late and sleeps late
-talented and friendly most of the time
-does not like to be teased. but is a good teaser

PLEASE let us know if you find her-she is supposed to take her brother to a movie and her parents are worried because they have not heard from her in days (she didn’t even call her grandmother on her 80th birthday, July 4th–very unlike her

360-**** or 347-****
ask for Bob or Denise

This is a Test

Dear Daughter,
This is a test. If you do not respond by email by 8 p.m. tonight, I will assume you never received it. Last time I tried to send you an email it was returned with a message that I was not accepted as a legitimate correspondent or something to that effect. It was months ago that this happened. Bottom line…the attempt to communicate failed not because I used a wrong address but because I did not pass muster and was halted by some GATE KEEPER. Your legal Mother

Dreaming of Armpit Hair and Hearing From You

Hi there ….

I thought you might appreciate this dream I had last night …. I dreamt that my armpit hair was all the way down my sides and it was black. Isn’t that sick?? ewwww I don’t know why I dreamed that.

Ok … well I hope you had a good night. Did you happen to mention to M about P’s ring? Just wondering.

We can look for vacuums later this week. Will you go with me to Eastern Market Saturday morning to buy flowers? Remember I’m making cupcakes for you!!!!!

Well your never online anymore for me to talk to you and you never answer my texts.

Love,

Mom (De) but you can call me MOM

What About ME?

Just thought since you did not call ME, I would email to let you know I have a stress fracture in my leg near my knee and have to be off my feet for 2 wks. Yeah right, like I have time to do that. See you soon, ME.



Love, Mom