it might be nice if you could actually CALL & just see if I am OK. Ruptured ear drums hurt and there will be no phone in my coffin. m

Good Morning Baby girl!

I haven’t talked to you in “TWO DAYS”.

Hope you are doing well?

I miss you!

Is your phone broken or lost?

Did you elope?

Did the cat suck the life out of you in your sleep?

Are you in jail?

Did cannables eat you?

Just wanted to tell you how much I love you.

Oh and by the way I am doing great.

Call if you need anything.

I love you bigger than the milkyway to the infinity power squared!

Hi there!

How are you? How come we don’t hear from you anymore? Are you still coming home for that appointment on Thursday? Please don’t cancel it; it is too important. Also, you should not have “relations” EVER before a PAP test. Did you know that? It can change the results. I’d make sure that I did not, for a couple of days before. Would you want me to try to schedule a dental cleaning, too? That IS M’s day, and she might just have an opening. You have put that off much too long, too. Let me know.

Thanks!

MOM

Backstory: My mom complains that I don’t call home enough, but she calls me even less. So when she actually did call once, and I didn’t call back, this was the result.

What’s a mother to do?  I buy you a phone.  I pay your telephone bill.  But can Miss High and Mighty Doctoral Student return a poor mother’s message? No way.  How dare an insignificant mother impinge on the important daughter’s time.  All that this mother had done- scrubbed floors, made unique designer clothes, cooked healthful meals is no matter.  Madame daughter is too busy.  Sorry I have to stop now I have an appointment with my lawyer to change my will.  Mom

p.s.  guess what I found when I was putting stuff back???  The piano books< right
where I PUT THEM__UNDER THE COUCH IN THE LIVING ROOM (I”M NOT TRYING TO USE CAPITAL
LETTERS< BY THE WAY< I JUST CAN”T GET THIS COMPUTER to stop making them>  wHAT IS
WRONG WITH THIS THING////??????  i NEED YOU JUL!!!!!!

i’m sending you David Lanz.  (Oh, I think it’s fixed now)

Have tried to phone you but no reply so 3 options
1. terrible hangover
2. found floating in lake with very high blood alcohol
3. very depressed and head under duvet
Mum

Hello! Parents – remember them? Are they wondering if you have disappeared off the face of the earth? YES! Are they thinking , well maybe you’ve gone away for a romantic break – but didn’t bother to mention it to aforesaid PARENTS? YES!! Are the wondering why you don’t reply to text messages? Do they tell themselves that it’s only because all your fingers have been broken somehow? NO! Are they feeling ignored, sad, ancient, decrepit (PS Dad got his disabled parking badge)………..what do you think? PICK UP A PHONE, SEND A LETTER (or come and get yours) POST A PIGEON, HARNESS A CAT…………
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxMUM (I think)

Backstory: my parents are spending a year in South Africa where I guess the internet connection is giving her a few problems..

Me: Mother would you please answer my email..it’s only polite
Mum: Daughter dear..i keep trying but they keep cutting me off because i take too long and it is making me a nervous wreck.

Pls let me know what you would like me to have, foodwise, in the refrig/pantry.  It’s been a year since you’ve been home, so I probably need to stock up, vegan-wise.  As long as I’m going on a grocery shopping trip, I may as well buy specific to your wants/needs/plans.  I did go to the health food place for Egg Replacer, plus some surprises. And, there are already 4 to 5 (?) boxes of tofu at home.

We can go shopping on the way home from the airport (after we go out to eat!), but you know I’ll want to go to Walmart and I’m not sure how you’re feeling about them these days, though I’d bet that the [local grocery store] employees (for instance) don’t get much/any more salary/benefits than W-mart.  So, I’ll go to Walmart in advance of your arrival, and that makes it different, ’cause you’re not a knowing participant.

Love you oodles,
Mom

Thank you, my beautiful baby, my favorite lawyer, my pride, my only reason for living up until now (I don’t know about when you have kids).

Thanks for helping me with my legal issue, don’t leave me ALONE, please

Thank your husband, take care of yourselves and love each other .

When is Ali’s wedding??

Ciao

Hi Baby Girl, How are you doing? Please let me know what’s going on. I know you aced your interview but are you sure you are ready to move? I know how hard change can be. I’m with you all the way in whatever you decide. I had a 5 month old little baby when your dad and I called it quits and it sure didn’t feel good. Somehow we plod ahead and everything falls where it is supposed to. Life is good even when you don’t feel it so be really good to yourself, make a decision and move on and don’t look back. As long as there is breath in me you will never be  alone and even when I go to the great beyond I will be with you always. You  are stuck with me!!! HahHah! Enjoy the day and the ride home. I love you always. Love, MAW

Backstory: My mom has been trying for years to get me to move back to Portland, OR.

My counselor, the postmaster, told me it was time for tough love.  I have to stop facilitating shipping boxes to the farthest place I could ship them.  I told him I was considering cutting you off and he said, “this is the perfect opportunity, lady–this is the heaviest, most expensive box going to the most expensive zip code.”

I said, she just loves that crazy NY and that zip code and he said…tell her we have crazy on the West Coast.  It’s called California and the zip code is much cheaper to ship to.

Seriously, that conversation just occurred.  I did go ahead and ship the box, by snail mail, and I committed to my counselor, the postmaster, that I would practice tough love going forward. :)

But I still love you madly!

Love
Mom
xoxoxoxox

Any news you care to share on what’s happening in your life? Any thought of getting out here for holidays? How are your eyes? I have now used up my self-imposed three question limit. Here’s hoping for some answers.

Love you. Mom