Postcards From Yo Momma » morbid mommas

Daughter with No Soul

Postcards From Yo Momma — Mon, 20 Sep 2010 15:00:53 +0000

I love you with every breath in my body but I do think you’re a little dead inside.

Something to Tell the Police

Postcards From Yo Momma — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 15:00:31 +0000

Have fun at the beach!!! Please keep in touch with me, I’d like to be able to tell the police where to start looking for the body

Would You Like the Mounted Antlers When I Die?

Postcards From Yo Momma — Sat, 10 Jul 2010 18:15:41 +0000

Mom: Punkin, I’m going through the house now deciding who will get what when I die. Would you like me to send you all the mounted antlers and stuffed pheasants your dad had around here?
Me: Um……no
Mom: Why not? He was proud of those kills.
Me: Mom, I’m a vegetarian.
Mom: Oh yeah, I keep forgetting you’re one of “those people”.
Me: What do you mean “those people”?
Mom: You know, California hippie tree huggers. How’s that Obama working out for you, huh?

He Was Being So Damned Chipper

Postcards From Yo Momma — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 16:30:49 +0000

Backstory: My mom and I are on a family plan, and are shuffling around the accounts a bit for boring reasons. My grandmother is not dead.

Mom: I just cancelled the -1043 phone, and the guy asked me in such a chipper voice why I was doing that (“what’s going on?”) that I told him it was because my mother died.
Do you think God will strike her dead? or strike me dead?
Me: whoa
Me: why’d you say that??
Mom: I don’t know. He was being so damned chipper
Me: wow
Me: weird, mom
Mom: yeah, maybe

A Christmas Poem

Postcards From Yo Momma — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 14:30:21 +0000

Backstory: A few years ago my mom gave my brother and me her living will in our Christmas stockings. This year she enclosed a poem for us to read on Christmas morning. This is the first stanza.

If you should come to see me
and surprise! you find me dead
there’ll be a box of important papers
under Mommy’s bed.

I Will Outlive Them All!

Postcards From Yo Momma — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 16:30:14 +0000

Backstory: There has been an ongoing battle between my mum and my father (her now ex-husband) and his family

But I swear to god I will outlive all of them and dance on their graves.

Love ya chicken

Mum xx

New Haircut…Serial Killers

Postcards From Yo Momma — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 18:30:42 +0000

Backstory: I cut off a lot of my hair, and my mother asked me to send her a picture.
Hi…I like it….and its always a good thing to have a current pic of you in case a serial murderer snatches you up.

love mom.

Real Bummer

Postcards From Yo Momma — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 15:30:54 +0000

Your cousin’s fiancee’s grandmother died Sunday. The wedding is still on, but they had to bury the woman immediately to accommodate the wedding couple, and the fiancee is said to be devastated. Real bummer.

I got Botoxed today; I get Titaned tomorrow. Plane tomorrow night.

Have a super rest of vacation.

I miss you!

Texts & Death

Postcards From Yo Momma — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 15:30:33 +0000

Mother: At the ceremony now.

Me: What! You’re texting during a funeral ceremony? You stop that right now.

Mother: Well I was only AT the ceremony not actually IN it.

You’re Gonna Die.

Postcards From Yo Momma — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 14:30:50 +0000

Backstory: My mom just called me with this opener. Since I have skinny legs, it was a pretty big downer. I told her I’d call her back.

Hi hon. I just read an article about how people with skinny thights die of heart disease a lot sooner than people with fat thighs, and it made me think of you.

In Case of Meteor

Postcards From Yo Momma — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 13:30:47 +0000

Backstory: I am a criminal lawyer, and have been since I graduated law school. I got a phone call last week from my mom about preparing a power of attorney.

I asked J to prepare a Springing Power of Attorney for me. That would take effect when a Dr. says I have become incapacitated. Then she could pay my bills, make medical decisions etc. Nothing is wrong with me but just in case the POA would make your lives easier.

When that meteor comes through my roof and I am out of it for three months you will need the POA. LOL

Mom

Should my plane fall from the sky…

Postcards From Yo Momma — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 15:30:39 +0000

Children,
Your parents are leaving for Florida tonight:
Islip McArthur on Southwest flight — departing at —– arriving at West Palm Beach (THANK GOD ALMIGHTY) at —-
Returning on Southwest flight — from West Palm Beach(PBI) Wed. at —arriving at Islip at —-.

Should my plane fall from the sky, my will is in my top left hand drawer of my dresser, right on top when you open drawer in a large white envelope.
Love-MOM

I will haunt you!

Postcards From Yo Momma — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 15:30:05 +0000

Backstory: I e-mailed my mom to tell her that after she went into the great beyond, I was going to turn her into a diamond via lifegem.com.

Heh, a diamond eh? The urn treasure chest costs $700. imagine paying that much for a new, little box. Boy the funeral industry is a rip off! So I figured the stone would be around the same amount. I was absolutely astounded that it ranged from $3500 to $2500. that is twenty-five THOUSAND dollars. I am flabbergasted. If you were to do such a foolish thing, I promise you that I will haunt you! lol
Love forever, mommy

my “real” side

Postcards From Yo Momma — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 13:30:24 +0000

honey,

i just got home from debbie’s mom’s funeral. very nice. they said such nice things about both her mom (what a lady she was and a saint) and debbie (what an attentive daughter she was, blah, blah). anyway, got to thinking, and i want you to speak at my funeral and speak well about me, but also talk about my “real” side, where appropriate. i don’t want to be demonized, nor do i want to be beautified in front of people; i want people to smile, laugh, and feel happy for having known me.

xox
mom