I Miss You, Ho

Need You Now is on the radio again. You know what? I kind of like it, it has nice lyrics. It’s better than “I miss you, ho. I’m going to trash you next time I see you.”

Impressed by his Instrument

Mom: Oh dear! Went to see Joshua Bell last Sunday. His Stradivarius he bought for $4 million…
Me: I know, you told me.
Mom: Oh, Alzheimer’s disease!
Me: I think you are impressed by his violin.
Mom: His instrument, you mean?????

The Best Way to Enjoy New Music

Backstory: My beloved mom is 80 yrs old. She was asking me about my best friend, who lives in another state & I was telling her that I sent her some CDs.

me: She liked the CDs but one had some music I didn’t listen to before I sent it.
mom: Music today isn’t pretty like it was in my day but what was wrong with it?
me: Four songs by the same band, one is great, the rest were terrible. How can the same band make one good song and three terrible songs and they all sound totally different?
mom: drugs
me: LOL. Maybe if I had some drugs, it would have sounded better.
mom: Well I don’t know what kind of music it is but maybe a little marijuana or cocaine would help you enjoy it more.

Urgent SNL Questions

OK, two questions:
has Tina Fey had breast implants? It was strange to see her staged so sexily…
Justin Bieber? The new kid on the block? I admit, I’d never heard of him. Usher discovered him on youtube? huh? probably not only teen girls who have the hots for him…\’night

Aural Harassment

Backstory: I was complaining to my mother about how one of my horrible coworkers kept listening to country music on the radio without all day at work.

Aural harassment. Cripes. And you’ll have to hope someone else complains about it, because you are vilified if you do. Does she play the radio and field calls? Ugh. And why do country-western listeners always assume they are doing you a favor by letting you listen in on their hokum? And you could, if you were similarly clueless, play Daft Punk while you work, but Noooo. Only listeners of country-western cloying sentimental faux-patriotic bunk feel they should share; like having a stick of gum is okay if you have enough for everyone.

Dropping Some Fly Beats

Mom: How do we go about promoting a Christian cd?   Do you know anyone who works for a Christian music station?
Me: No, but I can look into it.  We have a Christian station here.
Mom: Yeah, I’m thinking about recording an cd.
Me: What?  Are you really??  Or is this for Allison?
Mom: Please!!!!!!!!!!  Do you really think I could cut a record?
Me: Well, they do give out record deals to anyone these days.  You should drop some fly beats and lay down a track or two.
Mom: What does that mean?  Allison thought it maybe had something to do with dropping some turds & leaving tracks.  Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Music Whore or Something?

Mom: What’s the name of that radio station you told me about? THe online one? Music Whore or something?
Me:…It’s called slacker radio…..

Getting to Know Good Charlotte

Just saw one of your sister’s new CD covers. All this time I thought Good Charlotte was a nice little girl who sang in a choir and it turns out it’s just a bunch of boys with their hats on backwards.

Lemon Line, Limewire, Whatever!

Mom: Hey, can you get me some more Marshall Tucker Band music off your Lemon Line?
Me: It’s called limewire, mom.
Mom: Whatever. I just know it’s citrusy and provides free music.
Me: Well, technically it’s not free, its illegal.
Mom: There you go again, ruining all my fun.

music is my only companion noww!

Backstory: My mom’s office is located directly below my bedroom, and after listening to one of my showering mixes, she fell in love with the band “the rasmus” and has one of their songs up all the way. so, i’m sitting in my room, minding my own business, when all of a sudden…

mom: i love this band
me: haha, well good!
mom: like seriously love them, can i marry all of them?
me: uhmmm.. okay! but can you turn it down? i have a headache.
mom: sorry, can’t hear you. what?
me: you don’t need to hear me! you’re reading the screen!
mom: oh my goodness! i just went blind! nooo! music is my only companion noww!
me: you suck. a lot.
mom: love you too. :)

Advice on Being a Rock Star

Backstory: I’m the lead singer in a rock band and a video of one our performances ended up on youtube.

I just watched the new video and the performance was great. However, is there anything I can do to stop you from wrapping the cord around your neck? The show will not suffer if you don’t do it. I cannot believe it’s worth the risk of tripping and falling, of it getting stuck and tightening, of a fan thinking it would be funny to grab it – you catch my drift. None of that is even related to the main reason not to do it. The kid in Worcester (who had just signed with a label was getting ready to tour) died because “The pressure caused a clot in his jugular vein that and stopped oxygen from flowing to his brain. He appeared fine immediately after the performance, but later felt dizzy and had a lack of sensation in his legs. He died the following day at Boston Medical Center.” You wouldn’t even know it was a problem until it is too late.
So I am begging you, please don’t do it anymore. Maybe to give you old mom this little bit of peace of mind you’ll consider it?

No Escape From Reality?

You need to remember to wash your hands frequently even though I think the government and media are over blowing the swine flu “pandemic”. Wash for 20 seconds – that’s the length of the “ABC” song or the first 8 bars of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. – MoM


p.s.  guess what I found when I was putting stuff back???  The piano books< right

i’m sending you David Lanz.  (Oh, I think it’s fixed now)

Good Music to Sex To

Backstory:  My fiance and I spent the weekend at my parent’s lake house, and evidently left behind a CD that I burned for him to listen to in the car, a long while back.
Mom: I found a CD on the bureau in the third bedroom that had “I (heart) you” on it.  Looks like your writing.

Me: Oh.  Sry.  We must have left that by accident.

Mom: Is that your lovemaking cd?

Me: What?  NO!  Did u LISTEN 2 it?

Mom: No, I did not want to think of you and Jason making sweet love on that new mattress that I just bought, tainting it.

Me: MOM!  It’s a CD with rock music on it.  Seether, Three Days Grace, Breaking Benjamin, Shinedown, etc.  I highly doubt that we would be hittin’ it to that!

Mom: I have never heard of those bands.  Is that what Denise calls “Kill Your Mother Music”?

Me: Knowing her, probably.

Mom: Well, it could be possible you use it for that.  Some people like rough sex.

Me: OK Mom, that’s enough.  But no, it is not our “lovemaking” CD.

Mom: Ok….I’ll mail it.  Wait!  Does it have any music on it from that Kahnyay person?  A nurse at the hospital was having a fit her daughter was listening to his music?????????  I wanted to hear some.

Me: NO, there is no KANYE West on there.

Mom: Okay, well maybe you should check him out.  He might make some good music to sex to.

Me: Ok, mom.  Enough.

New Love for Kanye

Backstory: My mom probably hasn’t listened to anything besides Christian and/or country music for the past twenty years.

Mom: Have you heard of Kanye West?

Me: Umm, yes?

Mom: Have you heard his new CD? Track 11?

Me: Yes, I have heard it, but I don’t know that song… why?

Mom: Well your sister played it for me and I LOVE IT. I made her put it on my computer.

Me: hahaha hahahahahahhaa

Mom: What?

Me: That’s just… random.

Mom: Is he someone bad? What, is this the same as if I liked Eminem or something?

Pussy Cat Folks

Mom:  Are you watching the MTV Awards?

Me:  Nah, don’t really care about them much.  Thanks though.

Mom:  Oh, well the Pussy Cat Folks are performing.  You’re missing quite a show! ;)

Love, Mom