Found You a Boyfriend on Oprah

Backstory: I came out to my mom this last summer and she is awfully curious when I’m going to be bringing home a boyfriend.

Mom: Adam Lambert on Oprah – He is pretty cool.  I would like him to be your boyfriend.  He could pay your student loans!   Tweet That!
Me: Oh my goodness mom.
Mom: :-) oh come on… you know it’s a good idea.  I could borrow his nail polish!
Me: You’re hilarious.
Mom: Cute boyfriends with cosmetics should be an advantage for me!   Work with me!
Me: I’m all for it.  Send him an email and set something up.
Mom: He should be so lucky to date you!

Checking in with Oprah

Backstory: My mother was new to internet/e-mail and only learned so she could communicate with me while I spent a year in Nigeria working with Doctors without Borders.
I used the www to find Oprah’s email. I wrote her an email. I explained that I wasn’t just writing to be on the show (I’m sure lots of people do that) but since she was the only person I knew who had been to Africa I wanted to see if she thought you would be safe. No word back…yet.


Watching Oprah, Sending Texts

4:30 pm: Have u heard of va jay jay? learned it on oprah
4:41 pm: Soak your feet in brewed tea half hr a day for a wk to stop smell says dr oz
4:43 pm: Hangover cure- aspirin n water before bed egg coffee n aspirin in morning I LOVE OPRAH

Mom Discovers Twitter (Thanks to Oprah)

I did read your twitter about Gold Medal Liquors on your credit card.  Not good.   Be careful, booze can put on weight.   Your genes/jeans know expansion.

Mom’s Makeover For Susan Boyle

mom: ok, did you not LOVE the scottish woman singer that kicked condescending Simon’s A???
me: what?
mom: that was one of the sweetest stories i have ever heard. it is on u tube too
me: I think pebbles has been doing her hair
mom: no one has been doing her hair
mom: she needs glenna to do her eyebrows. but no doubt she is already getting the makeovers!
me: for a second there I thought you had started watching American Idol, I would be disappointed…
mom: oh come on, you know better.
me: well you have been watching Oprah!
mom: well, that is only because it proceeds the news, and she does have some good topics some days. someone has to tell me about menopuse
freudian typo

Oprah’s Gas Wisdom

I know you don’t much like Oprah, but she had an interesting segment last night about “gas”, and what can be done about it.  Two things I remember are eating more slowly (that lets less air in through your mouth when you are in the process of eating), and cutting down on carbonated beverages while you are eating.  there was more, explaining why it happens (from both “locations), and that lots of people have this issue.

ok, I’ll stop now.

Love you,

The 90 Day Rule

me: I have a date saturday :)
mom: with brian?
me: yeah bryan :) he’s so nice
mom: you know the 90 day rule?
me: 90 day rule?
mom: yeah no major physical stuff and no major baring of the soul. it was on oprah hahahah. men need time and women need to hold them off haahah
me: ok mom.
mom: some book called act like a lady and think like a man
me: ok I’ll think like a man just for you

Did I Miss Someone?

so when are you coming home?  Dad has tomorrow off ….he is going to go grocery shopping but you can come whenever and start making rolls – or we can do that tomorrow nite…I’m excited tooo – I love our family – and you and em and jack and dad and jill and papa and harriett, and karen and franco and indira and cairo and vicky and paul and kate and …who else???? did I miss some one – oprah??

Tragedy Strikes Chicago


first sophie and now solomon???!!! Did you already know this? Solomon died!!!!!

Poor, poor Oprah. The terrible tragedy of it all.

Maybe she’ll finally wise up and get a Berner. Oh, no. That’s right, We do NOT want that. Never mind



The Genetics of Small Boobs

Just got back from Chicago!! We had an excellent time!!!  We went bra shopping where Oprah gets all of her bras. Oprah is def. rich I only bought 2 and had a $300 bill.  She should give them away on her show.  Anyway,  the woman at the store measured me and told me that I was a D!!!  So you may now stop blaming me for your chest or lack there of I should say!  I think you must have gotten that from your father’s side!  You will be so happy when you are 80 and those suckers are still purky!!

Love you!

Oprah’s advice

Hi concentrate on work and Oprah today talk about you, you are the full monty the whole picture and guys are scared off by u

Just listen and talk less, make an effort

Do not play one up, U definitely do, if he says i have 5 bucks you think asshole I have $500

Men read this and are very insecure and run away!! Even the best catches

love you MOM

Love, Mom