There’s just nothing like running around the neighborhood, in the wind, in your stained robe, with your braless boobs bouncing down to your waist looking for your husband and a runaway dog.  Yes, Whimsy pulled herself off the leash and had an early morning run.  She is now back home, looking very proud of herself, with all of us starving for some breakfast and a good stiff drink.

Backstory: Splash is their new bichon frise

Grandpa gave us a personal tour of his nude art collection with the latest addition from Paris & Splash pissed 3 times in the living room.

So glad to hear that you have dinner plans with friends tonight.  You know enough to try to keep busy. But, living alone, one cannot always  talk to someone else–on the other hand, you can talk to yourself.  I think I do that sometime.  Lady used to get up and look at me like “are you talking to me?”  and I realized I was talking to myself.  Perhaps you need a pet, naah–too much care.

Backstory: My parents were getting ready for a funeral where my dad (being a Scotsman) had decided to wear his kilt. They also have 5 cats.

your father is driving me mad. Cannot find tie- in wardrobe on tie rack. Cannot find sporran and socks- in sporran and sock drawer. Cannot find shoes- in corner beside his side of the bed. Additionally found long dead bird in shoe. Aaaargg.

Backstory: My parents’ dog has been really sick and not eating lately, so I emailed Mom to see how he’s doing. Clearly, she is more worried about this dog than she ever was about her human child.

Hadn’t eaten one bite of anything until just now.  I heated up a scrambled egg I’d made for him this morning.  Ate about half of it.  He threw up in the night and then again this morning after our walk.  Dr. N called a while ago.  I’m now to give him Prednisone 2 x a day, back on Pepcid 2 x a day, along with all the other meds.  Also, tomorrow I’m going to Whole Foods to find a special type of Magnesium for him to take.  His Mag is low, which Dr thought was because he wasn’t eating, but it could be low and that’s why he’s not eating.  Chicken and egg???

Chat with you tonight.

Love,
Mom/pill pusher

Backstory: My mom is a retired psychiatrist and often informally diagnoses those around her.  Sophie and Joey are our dogs and today Joey was the lucky recipient of her diagnostic ability.

Joey was  beside himself with jealousy, trying his best to disrupt the game of tug-of-war between your father and Sophie. Joey suffers from multiple diagnoses, among them: attachment disorder and narcissistic disorder (along with terminal cuteness, of course.)

there is a mouse in the fireplace. how did he get there? how do we get him out? stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of “rodent madness.” for now, i piled up bags of kitty litter in front of the fireplace doors and taped the doors shut so it can’t get out.

Where did that hat come from,  when I saw it on the stairs yesterday am (I had just got out of bed) I thought it was cat throw up – its the same color – I thought the cat was really sick – couldnt see it was a hat till I was right up to it.  I think I need glasses.

Mum: Columbus just pooed on the floor!
Me: Why would I want to know that!
Mum: Needed to share it! About to make cheese straws!

Everyone loves my dog because he’s nice and easy to get a long with because I’m nice and easy to get along with. Your sister’s dog is mean and weird because she’s mean and weird. And your dog is hyper as shit, but he doesn’t mean anything by it, he’s a sweet little dog.

We’re heading to WalMart shortly in order to buy tweezers, so we can remove a tick from the dog’s face. After that, I suspect the rest of the day will be anti-climactic, especially if Daddy finds the type of pocket combs he favors.

Dear Daughter,

Yesterday for the first time I observed Agatha pooping outside and covering it up.  I mention this because it has not been so clear to me that she knew to do this.  I have known her to beg to get inside to use the litter box.  Guess she is maturing.

We also have a pair of very stupid nesting robins hanging around the house.  They think their reflection in the windows and doors is another robin invading their territory, so they are constantly pecking at the glass — also pooping under the glass and dropping twigs and other nesting material.  I hope they tire of this soon.  I had heard of this happening, and now I know it’s true.

Maybe a stupid cat will catch a stupid robin?

OOXX Mom

There are twelve days of Christmas for a good reason! So, don’t stress about presents. We have a major problem here with a squirrel who fell down the living room chimney and is wedged behind a metal damper. The fire chief has been here and an animal control officer who lowered a trap down from the top, not him personally because he weighs 300 pounds, but that was two days ago and the animal is still there, moaning. It’s awful and I can’t go in the living room so no T.V., no plant time and no piano. Your father is planning to borrow a gun to shoot down from the top of the chimney tomorrow or I think we may have to move out. Love, Mum