Backstory: My mom and I text back and forth when we watch “The Bachelorette.” She sent me these text messages during Monday’s episode, in which Jillian (the Bachelorette) invites each of her three remaining suitors to spend the night with her in the “Fantasy Suite.”
Mom: Does she do each dude?
Mom: What else r these nites 4?
Mom: I’m hysterical! The dogs look worried

Just want to keep you updated: I have researched both our dogs for months and have confirmed… Jilly’s and Boo’s paws smell like Fritos!

If you have the time, please let us know when we can come down. We will resort to going to the zoo and “dropping in” if we don’t hear from you soon. Maybe a month at Thanksgiving, two months for Xmas, six months for Easter.
Love,
Mom
ps, I think you need a litter of puppies-3 or 4, a cat and some goldfish.Maybe a mouse or two, because you have the time.
Love some more
Mom
pps
I’m sure I can think of more unwanted advice, but I’m only into my first cup of coffee.

YOUNG LADY YOU ARE IN TROUBLE! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU THAT YOU ARE NOT A WIMP BUT THE STRONGEST FEMALE IN OUR FAMILY. Now I do agree with Dominic that you shouldn’t mess with a gas line. I would not do anything that could blow me up. Did you have to take apart the porch swing? Ted told me that you could get a replacement awning at Walmart. This is proof that I read your facebook. Kiss my “Grandpuppy” Oliver for me. Did you forget to take the toolbox that Bernie made for you? Did you remember to take the crystal bowl back with you

Next time we are all watching TV together, make room for the dog! Poor Duke was searching for a place to sit and you couldn’t spare a few inches. I hope you’ll reconsider your selfish personality. He’s a dog!
Love ya, Mom

Backstory: My neighborhood is home to wild peacocks. They recently terrorized my mom’s garden, eating the first bell pepper she ever grew. She was distraught but seems to have fallen in love with a peahen and her four babies. I receive picture updates every couple of days.

The babies seem to double in size every week. they don’t appear to be fond of corn (though they sure were last year) but definitely puddle up over a baguette. i’ll test cheese & wine over the next few days to be sure they are not my love children.

also – one baby is particularly brave and piggy. i’ve named him super pig. he just seems to run around the yard w/ his face full of bread.

After I spoke to you I checked on Barry. No bat in the mixing bowl. So we took the bedroom apart. Sheets, bedspread, magazines, drawers, pulled apart the mattress. No bat. Bob thought he crawled into one of the many holes in the floor to die. I was okay with that, I was sad but it was cool he was dead. About nine p.m., we were watching a movie on TV, everything is dark, and the bat starts flying around the room past our heads. AAAAAGGG! So I ran in the bedroom, slammed the door and Bob caught Barry with a fishing net and tossed him outside. What an experience! No more bat rehabilitation. Ever.

I just got back from Wal-Mart and was nice and bought a new scratcher that you hang on the door knob. Shorty went after it while it was still in the bag so I took it out, filled it properly with the catnip and then gave it to him on the floor where he was having a rolling, scratching fun time. I walked away and came back to find the scratcher covered with pee and pee all around it on the floor and no Shorty. Question – did he pee on it so the other cats wouldn’t use it, did he pee accidentally (so excited it just came out), or is he sick again? Looks like I have to take the cat that you and Dad love so much to the vet. It doesn’t seem right, now does it?

looks like one of us lost reception.. so anyway..yeah its ok to cash the check and damn you should see the size of the poop your lizard jsut pooped!!! OMG!!! I’ll call you tomarrow some thime and let you know how I am feeling…remember i live on;y 3 bocks from the er if i have to go in love poop cleaning mommy

Hi- just got back from the vet. He feels after asking a few more questions that the valium is better for Buster because you can give it to him as needed. He is calling it in to CVS Yeah! I will call him next week to update and as-long as we are good that will be it- Remember the valium is Buster’s – love Mom

Oughhhh,
H0w can i type? Griffin is sitting between me and the laptop (I am lying down). All purring, making funny faces, and totally disregarding my inconveniences. Now he’s all curled up and snoozing. Obviously he thinks he’s the king here, Ha! We’ll see who gives the DinDin. Hey, this is your horoscopes for today: You probably feel out of touch with who you are. To some degree you have lost yourself, and this is not a bad thing. What you’ve really lost, at least temporarily, is your ego. Your true nature shines through. How’s that? Watch tonight show, Obama is on,pretty cool i think. Some people are complaining about that, too. Geez….
Now, Griffin ignored and abandoned me and moved back to his sunken couch nest. Suit yourself, pickley guy.
Love, Mom

The new puppy is driving me nuts! He keeps peeing in the house and humping molly…the little pervert runs around the house all day with puppy wood, its disgusting. All I can say is THANK GOD for wine coolers and xanax!
Ill send pictures of the little demon soon.

Miss you bunches!

Mum

Backstory:there was a snowstorm while my dad was on a business trip.

Hi,
I just wanted to share with you how very pleased I am with myself. I “snow-blowered” the whole driveway without hurting myself!! I stayed away from rotating blades and such, but I must admit I still have to work on nozzle control, that thing where the snow blows out. I looked like a snowman when I was done!

The dogs weren’t that impressed. They were like”whatever”, Beau goes “where are the deer in all this” and Leo was wondering whether he could still find his tennis balls (which he couldn’t as it turned out).

Anyway, I’m telling you: there is nothing that can boost self-esteem like working the snow-blower. If you ever feel bad about yourself, you know what to do!

Yes, I can!!

Proud in Pennsylvania,

your mother

Backstory: My mom sent this mass-email to everyone she knows (including my sister, M!)

Anyone know of a home for 2 black fixed kittens ? (under 6 mos)

M convinced her boyfriend (against my advice!) to get these 2 kittens from the shelter. He works too much (I KNEW it) and can’t take care of them. (I told you so!). So he would like to find a home for them.

I’m trying very hard NOT to say anything. That won’t last long. hmmphh

omg

first sophie and now solomon???!!! Did you already know this? Solomon died!!!!!

Poor, poor Oprah. The terrible tragedy of it all.

Maybe she’ll finally wise up and get a Berner. Oh, no. That’s right, We do NOT want that. Never mind

Hugs

mom

so i am going to pay for tires for your brother. i am not going to allow him to drive on those roads. the rain is hitting and there is no way i want him on the road.
dont have kids. you cant afford them.
i will just have granddogs. i am fine with that.  :)