Not This Week

Backstory: Lucy is my parents’ 9 week old black goldendoodle puppy.

Mom: Lucy is happily reunited with her laundered toys.
Me: things are so much better to chew on when they don’t smell like your own pee!
Mom: i wouldn’t know about that
Mom: since i neither pee nor chew on my toys
Me: well, there’s a first time for everything.
Mom: Not this week.

Christmas is for the Dogs

Backstory: I bought Mom a yorkie for her birthday two years ago because she had always wanted one. She treats that thing like a child and refuses to go places most of the time if she can’t take Daisy. Now she has decided that it is to cold for her to have to walk around. Its Texas. Not that cold.

Mom: Are you busy besides freezing?
Me: Nope
Mom: Do you want to play on the internet for me?
Me: Sure
Mom: You know those pouch looking things that people carry babies in on their front side, well they make them for dogs too. Can you try finding me 1??
Me: Are you sh*tting me? Why would you want one of those? If you want to carry Daisy, just buy a huge purse. Cuter and cheaper.
Mom: I am afraid it would not hold her more ways than one.
Me: Then put her on a leash :) No way in hell am I contributing to the decline of common sense and allowing the damn yankees to turn to their friends ans say “See Frank, I told you all of those southerners should have died in the civil war!” Damn yankees. :)
Mom: Thanks for the laugh. I will look tomorrow on the neighbors computer. Thanks anyways brat baby.

The Second (Feline) Coming

The cats respected the closed door last night, but when I came out they were all hovering around like Born-Agains awaiting Jesus.

Do All Dogs Go to Hooters?

Me: Where is Lola?
Mom: In bed where all little dogs should be. You get my text about Hooters at four next Saturday?

Can You Feel the Zen Tonight?

Backstory: My friend Bill wrote & performed a comedy sketch in which he cruelly berates a dog about his incessant barking.  All the while, the dog continues to gaze at Bill lovingly.  By the end of the sketch, Bill realizes that a dog’s neverending loyalty and love is really what it’s all about.  This is Mom’s response after having watched said sketch.

The more I think about the whole idea of that skit, the more I aspire to being very dog-like in temperment. Maybe it’ll be my New Year’s resolution even though I don’t believe in making them. Or maybe I’ll just start today. Maybe if Aunt J tells me AGAIN about the on-going crisis in her life (loose tile in her condo), I, too, will be able to just listen and smile contentedly. Or maybe when the business phone rings and I know I shouldn’t answer it but I do and it’s the Police Benevolent Society asking for a donation, I’ll be able to a)listen to the whole spiel without crumpling into a pile of self-hatred at having answered the phone in the first place and b) give generously, without dramatically sighing and sputtering with irritation. Maybe if I ever win the Nobel Peace Prize, I’ll be able to say, and I quote, as will so many others, “It all started with Bill and a dog.” Can you feel the Zen?

An Empty Nest Means More Room for Everyone

Mom: Just an FYI, I was in Penny’s room/closet last night looking for a video and while moving stuff around, was able to pull that blue tub that has some of your stuff in it.  Right now, it’s on the bed in Penny’s room if you want to come over sometime to look around in it.

Me: Since when did Penny get her own room?!

Mom: When everyone moved out.

[Penny is a very fat, spoiled cat.]

Meeting and Greeting the New Pets

Backstory: My boyfriend and his two cats moved in with me apartment this week.

hi,

please tell me again the name of the cats and a brief description of each. i want to be able to call them by name when i meet them. don’t want to be rude.

luv u,
mom xoxo

Poop in the Sky

Forgot to tell you….  the other night (actually morning), I was up at 3:30ish, took the dog out and couldn’t believe all the stars in the sky and how clearly I could see everything, the Big Dipper (upside-down), Venus, etc.  What was funny was that I saw poop!  Remember?  There’s a bunch of them on your ceiling and I looked at them this morning when I was changing the sheets on the bed and remembered.  Just wanted to let you know ;)
Love, Mom

A Horse is a Horse, Except When It’s a Dog

Backstory: Charlie is my mom’s dog.

Yesterday Charlie and I walked into town.  On the way I passed a man with a huge dog.  I commented that he was as big as a horse.  He said he is bigger than some horses, but he is very friendly.  A few minutes later I passed a woman walking a miniature horse down State Street on the sidewalk like it was a dog.  Pretty funny.  You don’t see that every day.

How Poodles Are Better Than Dads

Mom: want a dog
me: no do you
Mom: i might inherit a french poodle named coal
me: why
Mom: standard
smart
me: i don’t think i’m ok with that
Mom: and he lies down when i tell him too
thats more than dad does

Ham Junkies

Backstory: Mum likes to keep me updated on the cats while I’m at uni.

I gave them your message and Bubbles just looked at me, like – you cow, what have you done to my mummy? Squeek seemed to understand but still looked a bit sad, so I gave them some ham and now they both love me more than you so you don’t need to worry about them now because they have forgotten you. They are now ham junkies and I am their dealer.

Checking Up On the Dogs

Backstory: While dog sitting for a friend, I asked my mom to swing by and check on them while I was at work….

Just told ur dogs 2 go 2 bed. Cherie was sleeping on ur pink pillow. Anje hopped up and started humping her. I left them that way.

The Cat Came Back?

Backstory: Cookie was a cat that we got as a kitten when I was 9 years old; she expired about 15 years later.

Don’t tell anyone – but Cookie is in our freezer. She’s all wrapped up in a box with plastic and tape. I know that it’s kinda creepy but we couldn’t think of where else to keep her until spring. I’m going to ask Emily, the elderly lady who lives next door, if we could keep her in her garage. Nobody uses it and it’s secure. I have a key because I keep her bird feeders filled and the bird food is is her garage. I miss having her around – the dear old bat.

Doggie Prozac Experiment, Part I

This morning I accidently took Spike’s pill. I feel a little light-headed but that’s about it. I wonder how he feels when he takes it. No wonder he just lays on Jared’s bed all day.

Dog Poop Update

I took Rufus for a walk and he pished and pooped, after being home alone all day without a single accident that I could locate!!!!

It’s unfortunate that he peed on the upstairs hall carpet yesterday and pooped on the den rug this morning. Luckily, his morning poop was dry and left no stain. I treated the rug anyway. Nice to have to do when I have to be at work by 8 a.m. !

Her Life is a Movie

mom: my life is like a fellini movie.

me: how so?

mom: the dogs are killing each other at my feet

me: have you ever seen a fellini movie?

mom: no, but i thought it sounded like woody allen.

Why Not to Get a Cat

DO NOT GET A CAT…I’VE HAD IT WITH ALL FUCKEN CATS… EVER TRY AND GIVE A CAT A PILL?… IT SUCKS AND YOUR DAD DOESN’T HELP! I CAN HARDLY WAIT TILL ALL OF THESE MOTHER FUCKERS DIE AND LEAVE ME IN PEACE.

SORRY, I JUST HAD TO VENT… YOUR BROTHER WENT OUT. MOM

Your Cat Daughter’s Atomic Poops

Just wanted to drop a line to let you know what your daughter has been up to. She managed to get the back door open and let Cory in and then Cory attacked her. Then later she went into the front room and climbed two screens because a gecko was taunting her over and over again. I kept going outside and running him off and he kept returning to taunt her. A little while ago she was on the bench in the breakfast nook and she had chewed through a cord before I could get to her.  (History of poor parental control!)

She is really good at playing fetch. I throw the wad of paper and she runs and gets it and brings it back to me. She has been eating three cans of food a day and she doesnt have atomic poops anymore. Must have been the dry food. She just doesnt drink much water. Wolfie gives her lots of kisses which she really likes.  I think she will be really happy to see you. Hope you had a good evening and have been getting your studying done,
Love , Mom

Halloween Goes to the Dogs

The vest to the cowgirl costume for Lily is tight and she hates it. It was XLarge, the biggest this company makes, I might keep it for Ava because her cow costume is also tight. I could return them but the shipping cost to return and then shipping and handling for something else probably wouldn’t be worth it.

Maybe you could find something for Lily in Target. I heard they have halloween costumes for dogs. Wal Mart has costumes too but they all seem to be too small for bigger dogs.

See you Sunday.

Love Mom

Roymeo and Juliet

I believe we have  a situation going on. Roy was outside over by the fence. That new Pomeranian was barking and Roy was crying a little bit. I think he likes her! We’ve got a Roymeo and Juliet thing perhaps. She (?) had her paws up on the deck, like a balcony, calling out to him. But they are the Capulets and we are the Montagues. She’s not getting her claws into our Roy! Cheeky thing. It’s good he’s going away for the weekend so he can forget about her.



Love, Mom