Mom’s Mind Is Out to Sea

Backstory: My Dad was a Navy Captain and was always out to sea, so Mom got used to writing telegrams.  All her e-mails are one paragraph and include ALL the news fit to print, no matter how diverse the subject.  Her stream-of-consciousness updates always delight me.

Thanks for the stroke material. I was worried too which is why we went straight to emergency yesterday. Dad’s b/p and other responses were good. Did you access Jim’s attachment with all the photos? That place sure does photograph well. The inside, while incredibly charming, needs lots of TLC (e.g. paint, floor refinishing, new appliances). But it really is like a mini-estate. ANd the price is a bargain. I think they paid more plus the new roof but now they have three houses and prefer the latest one. Did you see it? Meanwhile I am laid low with IBS. I started to cook a complicated Chinese meal and then said to hell with it, we’ll have frozen pizza.

Cow Invasion

So I’m sitting here typing an email earlier and I can hear the cows mooing.. and god they seem to be so much louder than usual….or maybe corey has his Tv really loud…but. it almost seems like they are right outside the window……and sure enough there are 20 cows standing in my yard……peeing, pooping and mooing.  They look up at me like, “What?? What’d we do??”

Barking Bathroom

Backstory: This is an excerpt from this morning’s phone conversation with my mom.

Me: I had one yesterday that was sooo long and had a big arc.
Mom: A bark?
Me: What?? No, I said an “arc.” If my poo barked at me I’d be really scared.
Mom: Yeah, I’d want to do a parasite check on you.


I’m so glad a chunk of ceiling didn’t fall on your head.  I also thank you mille fois for contacting us immediately.  It was extremely thoughtful and saved me from having to wet my pants.


P.S.  Your father has started taking his laxatives and is shitting every 5 minutes. I’ll be worrying about our septic system all night.

Granddog Update

Well, how long do I have to wait for a picture of my new granddog??? How is he doing? Who is taking him out the most? Are his poops manageable?

How to Weigh Yourself

Mom: Your father weighed himself today and was complaining because he’s up half a pound. I’ve told him he’s only supposed to weigh himself once a week, though.
Me: yeah, otherwise there’s too much variation
Me: I always weigh myself first thing in the morning so I’m lighter.
Mom: You’re supposed to wait until after you poo. He didn’t wait until he’d pooed.
Me: Um
Mom: You get up in the morning, have a cup of tea, poo, and then weigh yourself.

What You Missed on Christmas

Backstory: Bad weather prevented us from traveling across the state to my parents’ house for Christmas this weekend, so my mom took it upon herself to let me know about the festivities I missed out on.

We decided not to open our gifts (not that they were wrapped) until you and Jeff are here (I’m not getting anything anyway, I’m pretty sure).  Grandma called and you called and that has been a round up of our festive day.  Oh, I took a nap.  Your dad took a crap.  The end.



A Painful End to the Day

Backstory: Mom decided to text me and my sister when she arrived home safely after spending the day with us.

Home. Diarrhea so bad my butt hurts. Go ahead laugh. Had a great time w my goils.

Panic Attack False Alarm

Sometimes… I think I’m having a panic attack.

And then I realize I just have to poop.

Arts and Craps

Mom: Want to come meet me at Hobby Lobby after school?
Me: Yeah but let me come home first to change. Im dressed up for a speech I am giving.
Mom: Good. I’ll meet you at home I need to shit anyway.

Ear Plug Discovery

Maysie just pooped a bunch of clear plastic looking stuff. So it looks like I found your ear plugs. Ha’

A Truly Beautiful Day

What a beautiful day! Hope you’re not tooooooooooooooo tired for your big trip home today!
So the topic of breakfast conversation this morning with your father was,”You should see the big poop that some animal,( probably a deer because they are vegetarians, right?) did right in the middle of the backyard! Before I had time to comment, he continued with the fact that the consistency was different from Chloe’s and you could see the yellow forsythia flowers in it! I hope that this is not an indication of how the rest of my day is going to go! Stay safe and see you soon!
Mama xoxo

Passover Concerns

Me: i forgot how good matzah with butter and salt is
Mom: careful of the constipating action in case you have too much without enough fruits and vegs fyi. I enjoyed mine this a.m. too.

Mom Wants To Be Number One, Not Number Two

Mom: why arent you answering the phone?
Me: i was in the bathroom
Mom: did it come out alright?
Me: i hate you
Me: i’m not answering that

hot messes all around

Backstory: Mom just recently learned to use the term ‘hot mess” and she LOVES it.
me: why did your boyfriend wear a white suit with tennis shoes to the wedding party?
mom: he was a hot mess…someone sh** in our bathroom today…it was a hot mess…all over the seat…we share a bathroom with all the businesses…i can almost smell it through the computer.
me: That is disgusting. What did you do about it? Did you have to call maintenance?
mom: we run and hold our pee all day until the cleaning people show up tonight.
me: run where?
mom: run out of the bathroom and don’t go back

Dog Poop Update

I took Rufus for a walk and he pished and pooped, after being home alone all day without a single accident that I could locate!!!!

It’s unfortunate that he peed on the upstairs hall carpet yesterday and pooped on the den rug this morning. Luckily, his morning poop was dry and left no stain. I treated the rug anyway. Nice to have to do when I have to be at work by 8 a.m. !

News From the Dog

G.G. wanted me to tell you that she pooped out a poop in the shape of a C in honor of your birthday. Sorry I didn’t send it out to you – you will just have to take my word for it.

Bye for now

your old Mom

Your Cat Daughter’s Atomic Poops

Just wanted to drop a line to let you know what your daughter has been up to. She managed to get the back door open and let Cory in and then Cory attacked her. Then later she went into the front room and climbed two screens because a gecko was taunting her over and over again. I kept going outside and running him off and he kept returning to taunt her. A little while ago she was on the bench in the breakfast nook and she had chewed through a cord before I could get to her.  (History of poor parental control!)

She is really good at playing fetch. I throw the wad of paper and she runs and gets it and brings it back to me. She has been eating three cans of food a day and she doesnt have atomic poops anymore. Must have been the dry food. She just doesnt drink much water. Wolfie gives her lots of kisses which she really likes.  I think she will be really happy to see you. Hope you had a good evening and have been getting your studying done,
Love , Mom

Pooping in the Dark

Mom: after jury duty I went to Academy. I went to the bathroom. was pooping and all the lights went off. I had to pop in the blackness!

Me: haha what happened?

Mom: A man opened the main door and said, anybody in here.

Mom: I said, yes me.

Mom: He said I’m gonna leave the main door open a little bit to let light in.

Mom: I don’t know. Acaemy lost thier lights. It was light by back up in the store but the bathroom was black

The Straight Poop From Mom

here’s what I’ve done so far:
correctol 2 yesterday, one today, or 2, can’t remember. Miralax powder per pharmacist. giant salad, I mean giant with extra veggies and a few beans.
I did jog, but not that far. one enema: just a couple of small poops. This is the end of day 4. Ahhhhhhh! I will try your suggestions tomorrow– a whole watermelon?????? If none tomorrow, then it’s colon cleanse and you know i dread that.

Love, Mom