Thanks Homies.

So what does that song…somethin somethin i’m so fly like a g6. what is g6? Thanks homies.

“Sex and Defenders”

Mom: I’ve been getting into law shows lately.
Me: Which ones?
Mom: Sex and Defenders.
Me: ….what? Is that like some kind of warped Judge Judy?
Mom: No, they investigate sex crimes.  And they go to court a lot.  There are two separate groups.
Me:…you mean Law & Order: Special Victims Unit?!
Mom: No.  Every episode begins with a “dun dun.”
Me: Yeah, that’s Law & Order.  Here’s a youtube link of the opening.
Mom: Ok, that’s the one.

I give it 3 weeks

I watched a real crappy show last night called Mercy. It was about nurses who are portrayed as sluts and know-it-alls. The acting was awful. I give it 3 weeks. The fall line-up sucks.

Lady Who?

Sorry to bother you, but could you tell us who lady gaga is?

Momma Needs A Brand New Jag

Me: Guess who I saw at Disney World Yesterday?
Mom: Who?
Me: Pharell! (He’s a rapper.)
Mom: Rapper?! What are you going to ask him if you can be his bitch or something?
Me: OMG.
Mom: Well I’m sure you wouldn’t be his first. And I need a new car.
Me: He was with a woman holding a baby! Wait, are you trying to be my pimp?
Mom: Well there you go. And yes, Momma needs a brand new Jag!

XOXO, Gossip Mom

Backstory: Mom loves the shows Gossip Girl and Jon & Kate Plus 8. I sent her an e-mail about Jon’s recent affair with a young girl and this was her response..

I bet K will be pulling J’s hair transplants out or maybe plucking some from down under!

Gossip Mom

Should I Be Insulted?

Who is Meredith’s mother on Grey’s Anatomy? A girl in the elevator just told me that I look like her and I am trying to figure out if that was a compliment or not.

Channeling Slumdog Millionaire

My mom is a 1st and 2nd grade teacher at an alternative school. They have special days pretty frequently, and they’re usually pretty cute.

Primary had its India Day today.  It was a blast but I’m glad it’s over!  In the morning we had “India School” for which we had moved the tables and chairs out of the way so lthe kids could experience school on the floor. … We began the day with affirmations.  In India they begin with prayers and we didn’t want to go there!  We did a three part rotation in which S did some reading activities, K did a geopgraphy lesson and I taught yoga and some simple Bollywood dance routines.  Yes, Bollywood dance routines….and yes, I just made them up inspired by Dhoom 2 and Slumdog Millionaire.

Jewish Momma Discovers the Bachelor

I’m watching episode 7 and am not sure what is going on.  He is just so darn cute.  He is involved with all of them and has to choose 1 to marry?  What a stupid show!  Is he a member of the tribe?!  what does he do for a living?

Good Music to Sex To

Backstory:  My fiance and I spent the weekend at my parent’s lake house, and evidently left behind a CD that I burned for him to listen to in the car, a long while back.
Mom: I found a CD on the bureau in the third bedroom that had “I (heart) you” on it.  Looks like your writing.

Me: Oh.  Sry.  We must have left that by accident.

Mom: Is that your lovemaking cd?

Me: What?  NO!  Did u LISTEN 2 it?

Mom: No, I did not want to think of you and Jason making sweet love on that new mattress that I just bought, tainting it.

Me: MOM!  It’s a CD with rock music on it.  Seether, Three Days Grace, Breaking Benjamin, Shinedown, etc.  I highly doubt that we would be hittin’ it to that!

Mom: I have never heard of those bands.  Is that what Denise calls “Kill Your Mother Music”?

Me: Knowing her, probably.

Mom: Well, it could be possible you use it for that.  Some people like rough sex.

Me: OK Mom, that’s enough.  But no, it is not our “lovemaking” CD.

Mom: Ok….I’ll mail it.  Wait!  Does it have any music on it from that Kahnyay person?  A nurse at the hospital was having a fit her daughter was listening to his music?????????  I wanted to hear some.

Me: NO, there is no KANYE West on there.

Mom: Okay, well maybe you should check him out.  He might make some good music to sex to.

Me: Ok, mom.  Enough.

White Party, Just Like P. Diddy

Not too much is happening. We go to the Club tomorrow for officer installation (yea) and then I’ve been invited to “an afternoon in white” retirement party Sat. (What the heck does that mean?) I am told it is based on something P. Diddy did. The only thing I could find on Google was about a “hissy fit” he threw in Nov. when the all-white decorations for his birthday party were not to his liking. He pulled the gazillion yards of white fabric off the walls. I don’t know what he did to the white roses. Doesn’t anyone know it’s WINTER?

Diet Margaritas: A Mom Ahead of Her Time

Just a reminder on how ahead of my time I am…
I was watching Letterman last night and Anne Hathaway was on, and she was talking about how Kate Hudson taught her about ‘diet margaritas’. You mix tequila, grand mariner, a little soda, and you queeze in a few lime slices. How long have I been drinking that?!?! For like ever!!

Baby Oil in the Shower

Me: Be very careful when you take your shower, I spilled some baby oil.

Mom: What? Don’t oil up the shower, do you want me to fall and die like Jett Travolta?

Me: too soon.

Jealousy and Johnny Depp

Backstory: There’s never an inappropriate time to use quote “So I married an axe murderer” to poke fun at the size of someone’s face. Jealousy does hilarious things to mom.

Mom: I was reading the local newspaper online and saw this little article in the “Who’s news” section [link to story about a girl I knew in high school meeting Johnny Depp]. She must’ve graduated a year before you but she went to your high school, so you might know her. Lucky little puke!

Me: Yea I know who she is. People I know used the code name Miss Piggy when referring to her because of the obvious resemblence. Not in a mean way, though.

Mom: Yeah, you’re right! Must be the big-ass face on her…
“I’m not kidding, that girl’s head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! She’ll be crying herself to sleep tonight, on her huge pilla.”

New Love for Kanye

Backstory: My mom probably hasn’t listened to anything besides Christian and/or country music for the past twenty years.

Mom: Have you heard of Kanye West?

Me: Umm, yes?

Mom: Have you heard his new CD? Track 11?

Me: Yes, I have heard it, but I don’t know that song… why?

Mom: Well your sister played it for me and I LOVE IT. I made her put it on my computer.

Me: hahaha hahahahahahhaa

Mom: What?

Me: That’s just… random.

Mom: Is he someone bad? What, is this the same as if I liked Eminem or something?

Celebrity Baby News

I saw in the paper that some guy in a band and his skanky wife had a kid.

They named the kid Bronx Mowgli no shit. Try to top that one……………

Her Life is a Movie

mom: my life is like a fellini movie.

me: how so?

mom: the dogs are killing each other at my feet

me: have you ever seen a fellini movie?

mom: no, but i thought it sounded like woody allen.

A Difference of Aesthetic Opinion

Backstory: My gchat status message was the Lonely Island’s “Jizz in my pants.”

The you’ve got, is really in poor taste. I just thought I should say it. I’m not telling you to delete it or change anything else, but yuck (we saw it on SNL too). The production value is pretty good, but that’s about it…

Dad Embraces Desperate Housewives

Who killed Mary Alice? What & why did her husband put what he did in that box & dump it in the river? We both saw two shows-episode 3&4. Dad wants answers!

Grammy News

Me: My fave guy, Lil Wayne, got 8 Grammy nominations last night. What now, hater?
Mom: Congratulations, b**ch!

Love, Mom